|Even his black eye is overpaid and terrible.|
Well, in a move that has become as trademark as a strange drum fill in a Tears for Fears song, the Lightning are losing games right and left, have fallen out of the playoff picture, and are watching fans abandon ship.
The wheels are falling off, and in true Bolts faithful form, everyone is looking for someone to blame. And as usual, that person is Vinny Lecavalier.
In a piece that he no doubt has saved with empty fields for the year and length of contract left, Tom Jones put it out there that now is the time to trade Vinny. Which of course gave half of the Lightning fan base a lot of excitement. And it gave the rest of us a headache and a good reason to punch some drywall.
And since finding a taker for a player as terrible and overpaid and worthless and villainous and terrible and overpaid as Lecavalier is easy and completely logical, and because he actually said Victor Hedman is a promising young player, it was clear to me that Jones has a pretty good head on his shoulders. So, I sent in the DTV Investigation Team to look into what other ideas he had that might make the team better. Here’s what they found:
- In games where the defense and goalie are struggling, pull an attacker for an extra goalie.
- Bring Mattias Ohlund back into the top defensive pairing because IR must stand for “Insanely reliable in his own end.”
- Make BJ Crombeen captain. He fights, and even though he never really wins or does much of anything else, that's leadership.
- While we’re at it, promote Frantz Jean to head coach. No one on the coaching staff has been as consistent over the years.
- Get more scoring from Marty and Vinny. Even though we’re trading him.
- Bring in Stephan A. Smith for pep talks after overtime games.
- Embellish a little more to try and draw penalties. Everyone loves that.
- And, if all else fails, petition the league to join the Northeast Division.