After Lightning acquire 347 draft picks, NHL forced to grant Tampa second NHL team

"In the second round, we ALSO take...

A big announcement is pending from National Hockey League headquarters today, the DTV Investigation Team has found out, as the NHL will be announcing that the league will not only once again expand, but that a second NHL team will be granted to the Tampa area.  

The need for the league to expand became widely apparent after the Tampa Bay Lightning – so far the NHL’s most active team leading up to the trade deadline – acquired so many draft picks in its various transactions, 347 to be exact, that it will have enough players in the system to facilitate an entire other NHL organization in the area.  The top name candidate for the team at this point is the Tampa Bay Seconds.  

The second team in expansion is still pending, as a return of the Nordiques to Quebec has been approved on the condition that everyone in the entire organization, including the mascot, zamboni drivers, fog horn operator, and ice girls, only speaks French Canadian.   

Commissioner Gary Bettman was nearly giddy in regards to the expansion.  He had this to say:

“Any time we can bring not only a team to the Southern US, but back to Canada as well is an absolute no-brainer.  I mean, in just a few months, we managed to give back the two teams we took from Canada in the first place, and create another team in the South.  WINNING!”

Lightning General Manager Steve Yzerman was also very excited about the news:

“On the first day on the job here, I said I was adamant about winning a Stanley Cup here in Tampa.  I think this clearly proves my determination.  With a second team here, I’ve now got twice the chance to do that.  One way or the other, we’re bringing the Cup back to the Bay area.”

Despite the management’s optimism over the success of the second team, some of the reaction by Tampa locals was not as supportive.  Tampa native Reginald Oldemann offered this:

“What the fucking fuck is hockey?  Damn kids.”

Winter resident Richard Head:

“Well, that’s all well and good, but I’ll be rooting for the Nordiques.  I’m from Quebec after all.”

Local grandmother Betty Standardton:

“A hockey team? Here in Tampa? I’ve been waiting decades for them to bring hockey to Tampa! My prayers have been answered.” 

Teen hockey enthusiast Tom Focker:

“I’ll only support they second team if the first team trades Lecavalier for a goalie and the second team brings back Steve Downie.  That’s the only way.” 

Despite the initial pessimism of the locals, Yzerman was confident:

“Look, ya know, today maybe we’re not a better pair of teams, but I think down the road the fans will understand the benefits of this decision.” 

With realignment still unclear in regards to the upcoming CBA negotiations, as it stands, the NHL plans to have the second Tampa team slot into the Northwest Division, while the Nordiques will play in the Pacific Division during the 2012-2013 season.  

Steven Stamkos’ Birthday Party

"Why don't you have a party, Stamkos?" "A party? What for?"

As the great Down Goes Brown has shown us over the years, NHL personalities can throw some pretty outrageous parties.  It turns out the Lightning are no different.  Despite a devastating soul-crushing season-ending pretty standard loss to a non-Conference opponent last night, the team took the time to help celebrate Steven Stamkos’ 22^nd birthday last night.  Of course, having gotten word of the party, I sent out the DTV Investigation Team to note some of the highlights of the party last night.  

In Stamkos’ living room, Stamkos and Steve Downie are sitting on the couch having a beverage and watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Then there’s a knock on the door.  

Stamkos: Hedman!  What’s up man?  

Hedman blurts right past Stamkos and up to Downie with a big wrapped box.

Hedman:  Happy birthday, Downs!

Downie: Uh, dude, wrong guy.  

Hedman: Shit! Again? Sorry, happy birthday, Steven.  

Stamkos: No problem man, it ha….

Marty St. Louis: Hey dudes!

Stamkos: Dude, how’d you get in here?  I didn’t hear the doorbell….

Marty: Doggy door. 

All: Ohhhh.  

At this point, Tom Pyatt shows up which wouldn’t be notable except for the fact that as he walks up to the porch, he sees Mattias Ohlund with his back turned to the door poking at thin air.

Pyatt: What are you doing, man?

Ohlund: What does it look like? I’m trying to get involved in the party.  I’m ringing the doorbell, but no one is answering.  

Pyatt: Christ.  Come on.  

Pyatt rings the doorbell, and the two of them are let in.  Ohlund immediately walks over to Hedman, and the two of them begin doing shots of Svedka.  Every other shot that Hedman takes however, misses his mouth and hits the wall above and to the right of him. Stamkos sees this and walks over. 

Stamkos: Guys?  Do you have to make a mess of everything?  

Hedman and Ohlund: Skål!

Vinny Lecavalier, having been let in by Downie walks up wearing the exact same shirt as Stamkos.

Vinny Lecavalier:  Hey guys.  

Stamkos: Oh, hey man, uh… nice shirt.    

Lecavalier: Um, yeah, you, uh, too. 

At this point, several members of the team show up, as well as a few members from the NHL media. In one corner, Lecavalier and Stamkos are having a conversation, and Pierre McGuire walks up to the two of them.  

McGuire: My goodness, Stammer, that really is a fantastic shirt you’ve got on.  I mean, seriously, you’re the only guy on this Lightning team that could pull off that shirt.  Maybe in the whole league.  

Lecavalier: Fuck this.  I’m out.  

After a series of very quiet, widely spaced knocks at the door, Stamkos opens it to find Dwayne Roloson. 

Stamkos: Dawyne, what the hell happened?  The party started hours ago.  You’re way late.

Roloson:  I know.  I’m sorry.  I somehow ended up on the complete opposite side of town.  Like totally on the wrong side of the tracks.  It was weird.  Mind if I come in?  

Stamkos:  Sure man.  Drinks are in the kitchen.  

Roloson makes his way through the door, and begins his trek to the kitchen. Stamkos stands in his doorway, admiring the chaos and starts to smile.  

Brian Engblom: Steven!! Come away from there!! You just CAN’T be left alone like that.  It just CAN’T happen.  

Just then, there is some loud commotion as Dominic Moore tries to do a Jager bomb, chokes, and spills his drink all over Marty’s face.  The glass breaks and a sliver flies up, and causes a v-shaped gash on Guy Boucher’s left cheek.

All: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. 

Stamkos: What a disaster.  

Roloson, having finally made it to the kitchen, slips on the spilled drink, falls, and breaks his hip.  With Dwayne Roloson, Marty St. Louis, and Guy Boucher all in desperate need of some help, Victor Hedman runs out of the kitchen, tackles Teddy Purcell and begins giving him CPR.  

Downie: DUDE!! WRONG GUY!!!

Stamkos: What a freaking disaster.  

The Lightning as Super Mario World

Well, the Lightning are turning in another season of thoroughly disappointing hockey that has seen them write the book on shotty defense and goaltending, amass a terrible record, and plummet to the Conference cellar.  All of which are long-standing traditions of the Bolts, dating back to the early 90’s. 

 

Speaking of the early 90’s, it seems that the Lightning have a lot of similarities to Super Mario World.  They both have long-tenured heroes, long-tenured villains, were started by some weird Asian dude that no one is sure really exists, and they both have the ability to drive you absolutely fucking insane, no matter what version you’re dealing with.  

Beyond that, it turns out they both have some characters that are similar too.  

Super Mario: Steven Stamkos

The first thing anyone thinks of when you mention Super Mario is Mario.  The first thing anyone thinks of when you mention the Lightning is Steven Stamkos.

Luigi: Vinny Lecavalier

Even though he can do everything just as well as Mario, no one ever wants to be Luigi.  

 

Goombas:  Oren Koules and Len Barrie

Stumbling around, slowing everyone else down, stepping on each other, and not really accomplishing a damn thing. 

Bowser: Rick Tocchet

The evil arch nemesis of all Lightning fans, and reason to be bitter for years.  And they both look ridiculous. 

Lakitu: Dominic Moore

Just kind of throws things anywhere, not really caring where it goes, or who it hits in the face. 

 

Princess Toadstool: Eric Brewer

Seem pretty awesome the first time you encounter them, but then they quickly lose their charm when they keep making the same mistake every freaking time you turn on the game.  

Dry Bones: Dwayne Roloson

Slow, brittle, old, and usually nowhere close to where he should be.

Koopas: The Lightning defense

Not all that bright, easy to get around, and generally only move in one direction.

The Big Boo: Steve Downie

Likes to come at you when you aren’t looking.

Yoshi: Marty St. Louis

Capable of the most unbelievable of feats, cute, and known for long streaks of carrying the entire team on his back, Marty is Yoshi.  Besides, after that stick to the face in the series against Pittsburgh last season, it’s obvious that he can eat damn near anything.  

Mattias Ohlund

Mattias Ohlund isn’t actually a character from the game, but plays the role of that annoying cousin you’re forced to play with who dies on the same part of the same damn level every damn time you play, and usually because a koopa shell comes out of nowhere with his back turned and hits him squarely in the ass. 

 

If any of the original pictures belong to you, and you want me to take them down just email me, don't be a dick.  

Happy Belated Birthday... to myself

Blowing.  We've seen a lot of that this season.

Well, here we are, another January, which means DTV is another year old. 

It's been a different kind of year around here.  This past year saw me make the worst cosmetic decision of my life, cultivate a new Ms. DTV despite it, make new friends at Versus NBC Sports, piss off a whole bunch of Penguins fans (which isn't any different, I guess), break into quadruple digits on Twitter, witness a rare Lightning playoff run, and completely fall off the face of the planet.  Oops. 

I never imagined it would last this long, and the only reason it has is because of all of you.  And ya know, since the Lightning are getting things back to normal this season, I'm going to get back to normal too.  So, as you all wish DTV and the Investigation Team a big Happy Second Birthday, we're going to thank you by promising to get back to being DTV, both here and on Twitter.

So thanks from the bottom of our hearts, DTV-ers, we can't do it without you.  Keep an eye out for more ridiculousness very soon.  And if you're bored in the meantime, check out the "Best of" section and follow me on Twitter. 

-DTV

Lightning New Year’s Resolutions

Dropping the ball and the Lightning: Going hand in hand since '92.

Well, 2012 is rapidly approaching, and it’s just about time to make a promise to yourself.  A promise that’s about as likely to be kept as the Lightning making the playoffs in any given year.  

As you ponder your resolution, you might also be pondering what your favorite Lightning player’s resolution may be.  Turns out you’re in luck.  I sent the DTV Investigation Team out to do some snooping, and they came up with a comprehensive list or Bolts resolutions.  

Vinny Lecavalier:  Selflessly promises to continue to give the bored Montreal media something to talk about, such as awesome goal celebrations like last night. 

Eric Brewer: Assures everyone that he will never, ever fight again.  Or so we hope. 

Dominic Moore: Resolves to never, ever take backhands in practice.  Or at least until he gets traded back to the Pittsburgh Penguins.  

Dwayne Roloson:  Promises to remember what exactly it is we were talking about.  

Steven Stamkos:  Resolves to with that fancy shampoo contract and all, make his hair look like it's actually been washed in the last 6 months. 

Steve Downie:  Resolves to change his name to Sidney Crosby.  Ya know, so that he could actually play some hockey and not be sent to the penalty box just because every three and a half minutes. 

Mattias Ohlund: Resolves to actually face the urinal whenever he has to pee, instead of having his back turned to it, causing a big mess and everyone to shake their head. 

Guy Boucher:  Promises to disclose ALL property, homes, cars, children, scars, etc.  Who wouldn't do that?

Marty St. Louis: Resolves to burn and torture the puck that hit him in the face in a fiery ritual reminiscent of a Native American sacrificial ceremony.  And by Marty St. Louis, I mean me.  

Victor Hedman: Had great intentions of making a very significant resolution that would make even his biggest skeptics proud, but waited too long and at the last minute had to give his resolution to someone else, disappointing everyone.  

Canadiens, Maple Leafs fans stoked to be in new conference with only five teams

Yes, clearly they care more about their team than we do.

After news broke last week that the NHL Board of Governers had approved the newest and most wild plan for realignment yet, it was received with varying degrees of excitement. 

Fans of teams such as the Detroit Red Wings and Columbus Blue Jackets applaud the restructured alignment as it eliminates lengthy and inconvenient trips to the west coast, and keeps the teams in their own time zones much more often.  

However, many fans were disappointed in a return to a format in which the teams making the playoffs – four from each conference – are highly predictable and likely to be the same for several years in a row without much shakeup.  

Not all fans, though.  In fact, Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs fans have fully embraced the new alignment.  The reason for such admiration being that their teams managed to strike gold in ending up the only conference to feature just five teams.  Loyal Canadiens fan Harry O’Toole had this to say:

“I absolutely love it.  Four of the five teams are going to make the playoffs, ya know, out of us, the Leafs, Ottawa, Buffalo and Boston.  Ottawa and Toronto are usually terrible, and if they don’t build a concrete wall around the crease in Buffalo, they’ll never do anything, so I LOVE our chances in this new setup.  We’ll be in the playoffs every year!”

Maple Leafs diehard, Richard Face:

“I love how the league trimmed the fat with this.  Depending on scheduling, we could spend weeks at a time in Canada, just like it [censored] should be.  If you ask me, ‘Conference C’ stands for ‘Conference Canada.’ “

Canadiens apologist, Amanda Blowe:

“It’s just great to be a conference with real, high quality teams that are right around the corner.  And Ottawa.”

Loyal, but cynical Maple Leafs season ticket holder, Dixon Hand:

“Well, in that format, we might actually make the playoffs once in a while, so I’m down.”