A Letter, Of Course, to Rick Tocchet

Well I hope you’re happy with yourself, dumbass.

Now, go ahead and find someone to help you sound out the big words in this letter, and try to avoid your urge to burp the alphabet.

Somehow, there are a few fans that are sad to see you go, but, as you can imagine, I’m not one of them. Now, I know you think its Lawton’s fault for not getting you better players, or better personnel, or better coloring books, or whatever you claim. But, let’s be honest, with as many different line combinations as you employed, it’s understandable that Lawton got confused with just who exactly was on our team to begin with, and that surely made trade negotiations difficult.

And, I’m aware that you took some good licks as a player, but what the hell? Lecavalier and St. Louis play on the same line for a decade and you decide to split them up? Why? Boredom? Amusement? Bad arithmetic? An addiction to alcohol? Cocaine? Is it something Janet Gretzky told you to do?

Anyway, it’s clear that you’re washed up as a hockey coach. You better learn a new game like Hungry Hungry Hippo or Connect Four. If for some reason some poor putz does decide to offer you a job, do everyone a favor and just go ahead and get fitted for the mascot costume, and leave the on-ice decisions to people who still have some detectable cognitive function.

Let’s look on the bright side though; you did manage to set a couple of records. First, you inexplicably asked (and since Gary Bettman is the only person on the planet who might be more stupid than you) and received the opportunity to play three days in a row. Even better than that, you also set the new world record for being caught on film with stupid expressions on your face.

I’ll let you go; I know you’re ready for a PB&J and some chocolate milk.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out (not that anyone would care),
Lightning Fans