The Real Reason Paul Ranger Hasn’t Made a Decision Yet

An ongoing story in Lightning-land has been the disappearance, and complete lack of information on Paul Ranger. We know that he’s still alive, and that he and Stevie have been in talks, but other than that, no one seems to really know what the hell his deal is. Until now.

As usual, I unleashed my investigators to find out what’s going on. It turns out, it’s pretty simple. Ranger is caught in the middle of the longest game of Rock-Paper-Scissors in the history of the universe.  

According to our investigators, Ranger and his girlfriend initiated the Rock-Paper-Scissors game to determine whether they would go see “Law Abiding Citizen” or “Couples Retreat” back in October of 2009. Initially hoping for best two of three, the couple has tied an incredible record-breaking 1,873,409,399,301 times.  It has been noted that most of the ties have been “Rock.”

The investigators also disclosed that the insane tournament is a lot like Forrest Gump’s run. When they get hungry, they eat, when they get tired, they sleep, and when they have to… you know... they go.