Your Weekly Dose of Five Reasons. Improved and Expanded

Well, today a report came out that there is a new potential buyer for the Lightning.  Needless to say, the NHL hasn't offered any information on whether or not it's true, but there has been a lot of speculation on what will happen if this new investor, Jeffrey Vinik, does buy part or all of the team.

With that in mind, I'll give you the Five Reasons it would be good if he became involved, and the Five Reasons it would be bad if he became involved.

First, the good:

- He would replace one or both of Oren Koules and Len Barrie, immediately making the team at least 20% more respectable and legitimate.  Inevitably, Koules and Barrie will engage in an entertaining pillow fight over exactly who he's replacing.

- He has a limited role in the ownership of the Boston Red Sox.  While I don't like the Red Sox (or any Boston team for that matter), experience in sports is a good thing. 

- He's known to be "innovative and aggressive."   Sounds a lot like Vinny Lecavalier.

- He's estimated to be worth over $500 million.
He would stabilize the financial situation,
and allow everyone in the organization to concentrate on
what they are actually supposed to be doing.
For Rick Tocchet, that means coming up with good line combinations. 

- Is in no way, shape, or form involved in the production of overrated, crappy horror films.

Now, more importantly, the bad:

- Don't Trade Vinny would lose approximately 35% of it's material if one of the Ringling Brothers leaves the management group.

- He evidently has no experience in hockey, which might        
lead him to believe that Brian Lawton is not a complete idiot. 

- Is involved with Boston sports, so he's probably an arrogant, classless jerk, that has his boyfriend body guard knock down camera guys. 

- Since he's made a career out of investment and finance, probably has no real interest in team success, and just wants to make money.

- Has already created a rumor that Lecavalier will be the first to go.  If this happens, the entire organization will collapse.  People will lose their jobs, homes, and families.  All hope will be lost.  I'll start gaining weight, quit shaving, consider going out and playing jacks in the middle of the nearest highway, and start crying myself to sleep every night like an alcoholic widow.  Don't Trade Vinny will be abused, neglected, and eventually shot down like an old, arthritic, washed-up race horse. (This is not Haiti.  I'm not that insensitive.)

Don't Trade Vinny now on Twitter!

Just a quick note,

Don't Trade Vinny is now on Twitter. Be sure to start following us so you know when the newest Lightning satire is available.

Should have a new post up sometime this weekend.

- DTV

Game Log 1-27-10. Canadiens at the Lightning.

Commentary on the Commentary

6:00 - Why do they say the game is going to start at 6:00 if they really mean 6:15?  Fashionably late kinda loses it's 'cool' factor after 52 games. 

6:01 - At home tonight, so Phil Esposito will be providing us with his "Grumpy Old Men" approach to commentating.  Always enjoyable.

6:02 - Dave Mishkin and Esposito discussing pre-game strategy for both teams.  Intelligent and  insightful.  Totally unlike a conversation between Oren Koules and Len Barrie.

6:04 - Man, the Lightning have some of the best ticket deals in the NHL.  No wonder they don't make any money. 

6:05 - Three Lightning ads in a row... The rumors might be true.

6:05 - A fourth ad involving the St. Pete Times Forum.  Not good.

6:06 - "Your Tampa Bay Lightning looking for their third consecutive win...."

"That's called a winning streak.  It has happened before."

6:07 - A John Mayer ad?  No wonder the NHL is doing so crappy in the US, they obviously think women listen to hockey. 

6:08 - Another game against Montreal for Vinny.  Wonder if he'll be on the top line tonight.  Try and contain your laughter.

6:09 - Rick Tocchet's wife must be singing the national anthem tonight.  Seriously, that was awful.

6:10 - I love how Mishkin describes the teams before each period like they're watching "Blades of Steel."

6:11 - For the record, Vinny is not on the top line.  Shocking.

6:13 - "The guy stepped on his stick actually" - Esposito after a tripping call.  I'm not kidding.

6:15 - Nate Thompson clears the zone during the penalty kill.  This is significant because it's the first documented indication of him doing anything in months.

6:17 - Lightning haven't yet recorded a shot on goal.  I'll leave it at that.

6:18 - Turnover in the neutral zone during a change by Vinny.  Great, I guess Tocchet will healthy scratch him next game.

6:22 - Why is Steve Downie, a career agitator, playing on our top line, but not our all-time leading scorer?

6:25 - "Lightning needing to tighten things up right now!"  Dave Mishkin has spoken, Lightning Nation listens.

6:26 - St. Louis scores.  Like I said.  Dave Mishkin speaks, the team listens.  In fact, I've been told that every player has the radio feed in their helmet, much like a quarterback in football. 

6:27 - "What happened?" Esposito.  Hilarious.  He wasn't talking about the goal however. 

6:30 - Lecavalier wins a draw very cleanly.  Rick Tocchet is overheard on the bench cussing.

6:32 - Lightning power play. 

6:33 - "Ya get paid that much you should play."  Amen, Phil. 

6:35 - Stamkos involved in a turnover resulting in a scoring chance.  Tocchet rewards him with more ice time. 

6:37 - "What hustle by Thompson."  Figures.

6:38 - "And the draw is controlled by... nobody yet."  Possible Mishkin-ism of the night. 

6:42 - Penalty on the Lightning.  Half a minute left in the period.  Unacceptable.

6:43 - "I'd be in the penalty box all night." - Esposito.  Classic and so true.  No indication yet of Rick Tocchet raising his voice. 

6:43 - Period ends uneventfully. 

Second Period

7:03 - Lecavalier scores.  Rick Tocchet starts throwing equipment on the ice, yelling at the other coach, and getting in the face of the other players. 

7:09 - Stamkos scores.  Bolts up 3-0.  Mayhem, bedlam, rioting in the streets.  The replays show the OK Hockey group dancing and taking shots. 

7:15 - Thompson wins a faceoff.  Initial reports indicate this is the best game of his career. 

7:17 - Hedman fighting.  "Hedman was wailing away at a Canadiens player."  Mishkin and Esposito indicate that he evidently is almost completely naked at this point.

7:18 - Several fights going on at this point.  I immediately call and order the Center Ice package. 

7:18 - "I have no idea how Hedman's jersey, shoulder pads, and everything else ended up off.  That's weird." - Esposito.

7:19 - Evidently the linesman breaking up the scrum pulled his jersey and helmet off incidently, and Gomez throws a punch while Hedman is blinded.  Hedman goes completely ape, wails on him, and instantly becomes my favorite defenseman in the league.  What a shift for the rookie. 
Thanks, Hockey Bay.

7:25 - Linesman doesn't let Matt Walker know that icing is waived off.  They continue their unique efforts to screw the Bolts. 

7:30 - Not much going on.  Lightning seem content to just play defense and try and hang on.  While, I don't agree with this strategy, I remember who is in charge and cuddle up in a ball on the couch and hope for the best. 

7:33 - "Lightning need to respond." - Mishkin has spoken.  Let's see what happens. 

7:34 - Lightning draw a penalty.  King Mishkin nods approvingly. 

7:35 - Evidently someone cracked the glass.

7:37 - Linesmen finally notice that the glass is broken after a few minutes.  They really need a raise. 

7:38 - "Please do not dress up like a duck." - Mishkin.  No idea.  Probably the new Mishkin-ism of the night.

7:40 - Matt Sammon during the intro of the intermission report: "Yes, premature intermission.  See your doctors for more details."  Wow.  But yeah, another one-of-a-kind situation for the Lightning.  Kurtis Foster blasted a 150-mph slap shot and broke the glass.  There's 1:30-something left in the second.  They took the intermission now, zamboni it up while they fix the glass, play 1:30-whatever, switch ends, and then play the real third period.  Phew.... Play Ball!

7:57 - So, we're back with the second period, part dos. 

7:58 - Officially, the second period is over. 

Third Period

7:59 - Mishkin, the Lightning's most consistant player, despite the odd circumstances, still gives us our NES version of the offensive zone setups.  What a stud.

8:01 - "I don't know what Hal Gill is thinking about." - Esposito.  Sounds like what goes through my head every time I think about the Lightning's management group.

8:06 - Lightning tying up the neutral zone, taking short shifts, not taking many risks, and for the moment look like a real hockey team.

8:08 - Hedman is back after 10-minute misconduct. Yes.

8:09 - Nate Thompson grabs the puck.  He immediately looks around, and asks the nearest person what he's supposed to do.  Unfortunately, that's a Canadiens player that swoops it up and blasts a shot on Antero Nittymaki.  Luckily, Nittymaki makes the save.

8:15 - Lightning looking good.  Playing responsibly.  Confused, I pinch myself.

8:20 - Lightning take a penalty while up three goals.  Things are quickly coming back to reality. 

8:22 - Thompson involved in a 2 on 1 in the Montreal zone.  Surprisingly, the Lightning come nowhere close to getting a shot off.

8:25 - Hedman clears our zone.  Yes sir. 

8:26 - Minute to go.

8:28 - First three-game winning streak of the year for the Lightning.  I'll let that stat speak for itself. 

8:36 - Lecavalier's goal is determined the play of the game.  He also receives the number three star.  Somewhere in the basement of the St. Pete Times Forum, Rick Tocchet is throwing a temper tantrum and ignoring his calls.

Gary Bettman. A Man Battling to Do What’s Best for Himself.

Like many of you probably did, I watched some of the NHL on NBC this past Sunday after having my fill of Bill Cowher and the other 765,297,652,397,564 NFL pregame shows and waiting for the Colts-Jets game to start.  Seeing as it was the Penguins and Flyers, I had no interest in the game whatsoever, but what did pique my interest was the advertising for the upcoming games on NBC.  Three of the next four games on NBC involve the Penguins, or if you include last Sunday, four of five.  After hearing Bettman’s claims about marketing the entire NHL, I knew there must have been a mistake, so I went here and looked up all the games on “national” television.  I use that term loosely because, well, Versus. 

Unfortunately, the schedule page from nhl.com only confirmed NBC’s advertising.  Here’s the more interesting points of the TV schedule for the rest of the regular season...

Teams on TV, the amount of times shown, and which conference they play in:

Pittsburgh: 8, Eastern

Detroit: 8, Western

Washington: 6, Eastern

Philadelphia: 6, Eastern

Boston: 6, Eastern

New York Rangers: 5, Eastern

Chicago: 4, Western

Buffalo: 3, Eastern

Dallas: 3, Western

Minnesota: 2, Western

New Jersey: 2, Eastern

St. Louis: 2, Western

Colorado: 2, Western

Tampa Bay: 2, Eastern

Carolina: 2, Eastern

Atlanta: 1, Eastern

New York Islanders: 1, Eastern

Montreal: 1, Eastern

San Jose: 1, Western

Phoenix: 1, Western

Detroit plays Pittsburgh twice on national TV, including March, 22^nd, clearly impacting the conference playoff standings late in the year. 

Let’s examine some of the demographical curiosities in this scheduling:

Teams not on national TV the rest of the season at all:

Kings-Western, Ducks-Western, Senators-Eastern, Florida-Eastern, Maple Leafs-Eastern, Canucks-Western, Predators-Western, Flames-Western, Avalanche-Western, Oilers-Western.

Total number of games featuring a team from the Eastern Conference:  43.

Total number of games featuring a team from the Western Conference:  23.

Total number of games featuring a team from Canada:  One.

So, the NHL is only going to advertise one game that involves a team from the country that the game was created?  Who are they playing you ask?  You guessed it, a team from the New England/northeast area, the Rangers.  So it’s safe to assume the only reason we are seeing them is because of a scheduling quirk. 

So after all of Bettman’s empty promises, I wanted to know more.  Luckily, I was able to catch him for a quick interview:

DTV:  Thanks for joining us, Gary.

GB: Thanks for having me, this Juicy Juice is delicious!

DTV: Glad you like it.  Let’s get started, I know you have a plane to Pittsburgh to catch.  As you know, I’ve checked out the schedule for nationally televised games for the rest of the regular season.

GB: Isn’t it great?

DTV: If you like New England and the northeast.

GB: Who doesn’t?

DTV: As you know, several teams have either had documented financial troubles, or rumors of financial hardship.  Wouldn’t assuring each team at least one game on national TV in the last half of the season really help those teams out?

GB: …Whaddya mean?

DTV: If struggling teams could make up some money down the stretch on a broadcast, wouldn’t that get them closer to their revenue-sharing checkpoint?

GB: Can I have some more juice?

DTV: Never mind.  Ok, why only one game involving a Canadian team?  That’s where the game was created.

GB: I think they have their own TV stations up there. 

DTV: Yes, I know that, but we don’t get those in America. 

GB: That’s not the league’s fault.  You should call your local TV provider. 

DTV: Oooooookay…. Moving on..  So, if it was not your intent to give all teams even coverage, and a fair market, why have you created so much expansion during your tenure?  I love my Lightning and all, but if there were less teams, there would be more talent to go around, fewer financial burdens, more marketability, so-on. 

GB: (chuckles) It’s a funny story.  I lost all my money on a bet with David Stern back in ’91, so, I had to come up with a way to make it all back before the wife found out. 

DTV: What was the bet?

GB:  That Darth Vader wasn’t really Luke Skywalker’s father.  Boy, I missed the mark on that one. 

Yeah, kind of like missing the mark on the CBA, rule changes, the shootout, losing ESPN, and every other self-promoted, egotistical, most money-for-me stunt you've pulled so far.  Starting with leaving the NBA for the NHL. 

If There was Any Doubt Before, Things are Officially Laughable.

In my days of following sports, I've seen all sorts of unique situations.  Be it funny, sad, tragic, stupid, amazing, embarrassing, dispicable, or inspiring.

But I'm at a loss for words over the Lightning's latest news story.

How in the world does a team default on a loan from, of all people, the people they bought the team from?   How have they technically even bought the team then?  How are these idiots still allowed within the presence of children?

And why in the hell would any intelligent person say "I want to buy something from you, but I need to borrow half the money from you to do it."  I mean, come on, this is the NHL, not the government.

Apparently, they had to borrow $2 million from the local sports station too.  Now that's just downright asinine.  If it turns out that's how much we're paying Nate Thompson, someone needs to be shot.

You're probably thinking; "how does a sports team that has won a cup, and has a good fan following lose so much money so quickly?"  You're in luck, DTV has investigated, and found the budget as outlined by Koules and Barrie when they purchased the team.  As it turns out, somehow, they have managed to lose all that money.  And then some. 

OK Hockey, Inc. Initial Budget

Beginning Balance: $560,000,000.00
Payroll: $42,000,000.00
Stamkos Advertising: $130,000,000.00
Money Laundered to Finance a Saw Sequel Every Year Until We Die: $1,000,000,000.00
Money Needed to Finance Janet Gretsky's Rick Tocchet's New Gambling Ring: $20,000,000.00
Money Necessary to Pay the Contracts of Crappy Waiver's Claims That We Know Will Never Amount to Anything: $54,000,000.00
Hair Products for Melrose's Sixteen Games: $50,000.00
Money to Pay All the Contracts of Coaches, Players, and General Personnel That No Longer Work for the Team, But Through Our Own Mismanagement are Still on Our Books: $300,000,000.00
Scouting Supplies:  $1.00
Total:  - 986,050,001.00

The Lightning Claim Nate Thompson, Bolts Fans Scratch Their Heads

Another Brian Lawton Masterpiece

The Lightning announced the move Thursday.  Brian Lawton says he’s excited about the move, and that “the team will benefit greatly from his tenacity, physicality and energy as well as his overall ability.”  Seeing as I had never heard of the guy before yesterday, I wanted to see just what kind of physicality and overall ability we would be benefitting from so greatly.  Here’s what I found:

Nate Thompson's Career Regular Season Statistics.

Before I even get started, it’s probably not a good sign that you were so bad that the statistics from two years of your career have completely disappeared.

That being said, I’m no expert, but I don’t see much value in those statistics.  He’s not tenacious, 88PIM in 86 games averages out to be a minor penalty every 1.95 games, or a fighting major every 4.88 games.  Terrifying.  And given that he’s only managed to play in six more games than one regular season over the course of two, I have a hard time believing he’s not an injury risk.  This also disqualifies ‘physical.’

As far as general talent, 10 points in 86 games, I can safely say, does not qualify.  That averages out to almost nine games in between points.  Given that the Lightning evidently have to score at least nine goals to beat teams higher than them in the standings, and at least three to beat the teams lower than them in the standings, you’d think they’d go after a guy who is a little more productive.  Not to mention that at -25, it’s safe to assume he’s a defensive liability.  Gary Bettman might like that about him, but us Lightning fans shouldn’t.

So basically, he goes games at a time without doing much of anything.

Now that we’ve completely ruled out the reason Lawton claims he picked him up, let’s take a look at some of the possibilities for the real reason he claimed him.

* Thompson is a guy who hasn’t necessarily been given a “fair shot” in other systems, and Lawton wants to take a low-risk chance on him.  Likeliness: Above average.  Analysis: Fine, I just don’t understand why every crappy player who hasn’t been given a “fair chance” since 1992 decides that Tampa Bay is their shot at fairness.

* Thompson actually spends the entire game skating every possible inch of the ice over and over to make sure the zamboni drivers have something to do during the intermissions.  This could have something to do with his apparent durability issues.  Likeliness: Low, but given the bumbling bunch of idiots we’re talking about here, it can’t be ruled out.  Analysis: Sounds about right.

* Vinny Lecavalier has been scoring over a point-per-game pace over recent weeks, and Rick Tocchet needed a talentless player to stick on a line with him to slow him down.  Likeliness: High.  Analysis: With the way Lecavalier has been scoring, taking penalties, and winning faceoffs lately, Tocchet is running out of excuses not to put him on a line with Marty.

* Brian Lawton is completely unqualified to organize a surprise birthday party, let alone a professional sports franchise, is incapable of making a sound decision, and when it comes down to it is just a total moron.  Likeliness: Guaranteed. Analysis: Oren Koules and Len Barrie are his bosses.

How to Make the Coach You Fired Look Really, Really Good

As has been well documented by DTV, the Lightning’s current level of coaching is certainly a far cry from what it used to be. That point was never more evident than on Tuesday when the John Tortorella-coached Rangers absolutely knocked the smithereens out of the Lightning.

As always, I checked out the game, and the Rangers absolutely deserved to win. They came out fast, scored early and often, and took the Lightning completely out of the game by the end of the first. Torts had a great plan going into the game, which amazes me given the fact that the Bolts in no way, shape, or form resemble the respectable organization he was a part of.

Rick Tocchet looked more lost than usual, and despite needing offense, still refused to put Vinny and Marty on the same line. Much like how a kindergartener argues with his mommy about trying spinach.

Tortorella had the special teams looking good, and the Rangers put up six or more goals for the second game in a row.

After the game, Tocchet had such glorious insight as this:

“They played great. They out-hit us, they out-played us, they out-everything. They out-coached. Every facet of the game, they out-did.” That includes, evidently, out-grammaring the Lightning. Not to mention the understatement of the entire history of the universe in that bit as well.

And this:

“The only thing we did, was the bus was on time to get to this game. The bus driver was the best thing we had.”

So... Is he available to coach?

Five Reasons to Know You'll Always Have Material for Your Blog

All right boys and girls, it's time for another segment of Don't Trade Vinny's Five Reasons. I know we're less than a week away from our last installment, but given the days' headlines, it seems like it's time for another.

Reason One:
The owners of the team believe they have purchased the Tampa Bay branch of Barnum and Bailey's World Tour.

Reason Two:
The head coach has a serious rift with the team's best player and the IQ level of an eight year old.

Reason Three:
After firing a coach that cusses at reporters, the team hires a General Manager that cusses at reporters.

Reason Four:
After winning the Stanley Cup, the team sends piece after piece out of town, and important player after important player is traded for crappy draft picks and flamed-out former first round picks that have never amounted to anything.

Reason Five:
Two weeks after your first post, real life completely, 100% verifies the name of your blog.

What the First Month of the Season Really Looked Like

It's no secret that most of us hate the shootout. Another non-secret is that the NHL's original tie format wasn't much better. With that being said, I've looked up all the games from October that went to a shootout and determined an outcome myself.

The system I've used implements a hybrid of the NHL, NBA, NFL, and CS (common sense)overtime formats. Basically, it will be 4-on-4, no time limit, and the first team to score wins. With that in mind, here are the adjusted outcomes of the first month of the season.

October 2nd, Original Outcome: FLA 4-CHI 3.
In an apologetic tribute, Patrick Kane tells Tomas Vokoun that he can "Keep the change" and shoots the game winner off his mask and into the top corner. CHI 4-FLA3.

October 3rd, Original Outcome: PIT 4-NYI 3
After watching Dwayne Roloson stand on his head for the entire overtime, Gary Bettman swoops down from the rafters in a murderous rage and kicks Roloson out of the net screaming "Sidney Crosby is not allowed to lose!!!" Crosby buries the winner into the empty goal. PIT 4-NYI 3.

October 3rd, Original Outcome: NSH 3-DAL 2
J.P. Dumont knocks in a rebound to win it. Marc Crawford immediately calls Joe Nieuwendyk from the bench and demands that the team make a trade for Todd Bertuzzi. NSH 3-DAL 2.

October 6th, Original Outcome: CAR 2-TBL 1
Rick Tocchet decides that he should center the top line instead of Lecavalier. He loses a crucial faceoff in his own zone and Eric Staal beats Mike Smith top shelf. CAR 2-TBL 1.

October 6th, Original Outcome: EDM 5-DAL 4
Mike Ribeiro is granted a penalty shot and makes 710 dekes before scooping the puck past an awe-struck Jeff Droin-Deslauriers. DAL 5-EDM 4

October 8th, Original Outcome: NJD 4-TBL 3
After having to make almost 20 saves in the first ten minutes of overtime, Martin Brodeur himself calls a timeout, skates to the bench, and proceeds to inform Jacques Lemaire that they are going to bring the 'Trap' back. Gary Bettman pulls out his sniper rifle and fires a warning shot at the ice that deflects and knocks the blade off of Brodeur's left skate, causing him to fall down. Jeff Halpern taps the puck into the empty net. Bettman chuckles to himself "Yeah, just what we need, more defense." TBL 4-NJD 3.

October 8th, Original Outcome: CGY 4-EDM 3
Dion Phaneuf takes an untimely boarding penalty. On the ensuing power play, Sheldon Souray takes a 136-mph slap shot that goes through Miikka Kiprusoff's glove, through the net, through the boards, and knocks an unsuspecting goal judge unconscious. EDM 4-CGY 3.

October 10th, Original Outcome: BOS 4-NYI 3
After watching the highlights of Sheldon Souray's shot, Zdeno Chara says "I can do that." He rifles a 138-mph slap shot into Dwayne Roloson's stomach that knocks him into his own net. BOS 4-NYI 3.

October 10th, Original Outcome: ANA 3-PHI 2
In his first game against his former team, Chris Pronger swoops up the puck, elbows two Anaheim players in the head, high-sticks another, takes it coast to coast, and beats Jonas Hiller five-hole. PHI 3-ANA 2.

October 10th, Original Outcome: CHI 4-COL 3
Craig Anderson gets distracted by Brian Campbell's luscious, flowing hair and John Toews puts home the winner. CHI 4-COL 3.

October 11th, Original Outcome: VAN 4-DAL 3
Marty Turco plays like the real Marty Turco, and the resulting goal tending battle lasts until 4:30AM. It only ends when Roberto Luongo falls asleep leaning on the net during a stoppage in play. Brendon Morrow banks it off his elbow and in. DAL 4-VAN 3.

October 12th, Original Outcome: NJD 3-WSH 2
Bryce Salvador coughs up the puck during a power play and Alex Ovechkin takes it in and scores on Brodeur. Ovechkin then does three somersaults, jumps into the crowd, and then crowd-surfs around the entire arena. WSH 3-NJD 2.

October 12th, Original Outcome: PHX 1-SJS 0
Shane Doan gets one past Evgeni Nabokov and Ed Jovanovski immediately starts throwing rats on the ice before Dave Tippett reminds him that he doesn't play for that team anymore. PHX 1-SJS 0.

October 14th, Original Outcome: PIT 3-CAR 2
Ray Whitney scores from the slot. Sidney Crosby stays on the bench pouting for twenty minutes and ends up missing the team bus. CAR 3-PIT 2.

October 17th, Original Outcome: WSH 3-NSH 2
Barry Trotz decides that alternating goalies every game isn't working, says "The hell with it!", and starts alternating the goalies every shift. Dan Ellis gets caught in transition, and Mike Green ends the game. Angered by the gaffe, Trotz starts Rinne every game for the rest of the month.

October 17th, Original Outcome: COL 4-DET 3
Craig Anderson comes out of the net to play the puck and sees Wojtek Wolski come off the bench. While trying to get the winger's attention, Anderson stumbles on his pronunciation several times. Pavel Datsyuk steals the puck and Anderson can't get back to his net in time. DET 4-COL 3.

October 20th, Original Outcome: MTL 2-ATL 1
Rich Peverley feeds Ilya Kovalchuk a perfect pass, and Kovalchuk buries it. Peverley and Kovalchuk hurry directly to the locker room and contact local authorities about restraining orders against the Kostitsyn brothers. ATL 2-MTL 1.

October 21st, Original Outcome: NYI 4-CAR 3
Kyle Okposo scores the final goal in overtime, and the officials at the game call Gary Bettman to inform him of the results. Bettman replies: "What... Islanders-Hurricanes? Come on, I was in the middle of playing with my Legos, I thought this was important" and hangs up. To this date, there is no record of this game having ever been played.

October 21st, Original Outcome: MIN 3-COL 2
Peter Forsberg gives his foot one more shot at NHL action. On his first shift of overtime, his foot disappears into thin air causing him to fall. Mikko Koivu scoops up the puck and slides it past Craig Anderson. MIN 3-COL 2.

October 22nd, Original Outcome: PHI 4-BOS 3
All five Philadelphia skaters take boarding and game misconduct penalties simultaneously towards the end of the third period. The short bench creates a mismatch, and David Krejci ends up with the game winner. BOS 4-PHI 3.

October 23rd, Original Outcome: PIT 3-FLA 2
Michael Frolik dekes Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Marc-Andre Fleury early in the extra period and scores. Later in the night, Gary Bettman fines Frolik $500,000 for "Conduct Detrimental to the League." FLA 3-PIT 2.

October 24th, Original Outcome: BOS 4-OTT 3
Zdeno Chara takes a slapshot so hard that it hits the crossbar and flies all the way down the ice and past an unsuspecting Tim Thomas. OTT 4-BOS 3.

October 24th, Original Outcome: BUF 3-TBL 2
Rick Tocchet gets thrown out of the game in the third after a controversial call. Associate coach Rick Wilson starts the overtime with Vinny Lecavalier and Martin St. Louis on the same line, and they score 23 seconds in. Wilson is fired before the post-game press conference even begins. TBL 3-BUF 2.

October 28th, Original Outcome: SJS 2-LAK 1
Patrick Marleau tells Ryan Smyth that he has a gray hair before the faceoff. Un-phased, Smyth says "So do you." Marleau, confused and disoriented, loses the draw, and Anze Kopitar scores blocker side on Evgeni Nabokov. LAK 2-SJS 1.

October 29th, Original Outcome: EDM 6-DET 5
Henrik Zetterberg scores at the 2:11 mark. Kevin Lowe slams his notebook down, finds the first reporter he can, and blames the whole thing on Brian Burke. DET 6-EDM 5.

October 29th, Original Outcome: VAN 2-LAK 1
Drew Doughty scores from the point four minutes into overtime. Alain Vigneault is quoted in the post-game as saying: "I wish Bertuzzi still played for us." LAK 2-VAN 2.

October 30th, Original Outcome: PIT 4-CBJ 3
Sidney Crosby maneuvers around three Blue Jackets, and beats Steve Mason low. Gary Bettman has his best nights' sleep in months. PIT 4-CBJ 3.

October 30th, Original Outcome: FLA 6-DAL 5
Bryan McCabe scoots in front of his own net, and loses control of the puck. Brad Richards takes a shot, and McCabe blasts the rebound into his own net. DAL 6-FLA 5.

October 31st, Original Outcome: MTL 5-TOR 4
Michael Cammalleri taps in a rebound about eight minutes into overtime. Brian Burke finds the first reporter he can, and blames the whole thing on Kevin Lowe. MTL 5-TOR 4.

October 31st, Original Outcome: PHX 3-ANA 2
Jean-Sebastien Giguere makes a save and starts skating the puck up the ice. As he enters the zone, Corey Perry hands him a stick and he takes off his mask. As it turns out, it's actually Greg Goldberg. He tells Ilya Bryzgalov "Happy Halloween!!" and blasts a 'knuckle-puck' high, glove side. ANA 3-PHO 2.

October 31st, Original Outcome: NJD 2-TBL 1
Zach Parise scores short-handed on a breakaway. The Lightning leave the ice without much fanfare. After the game, multiple sources capture Rick Tocchet on the team bus cuddled against the window with his blankie. NJD 2-TBL 1.

Rick Tocchet’s Five Reasons Not to Play Vinny and Marty on the Same Line

One of the things I’ve found curious (and by curious, I mean stupid/moronic/why did we hire this idiot??) this season has been Tocchet’s unwillingness to play Vinny Lecavalier and Marty St. Louis on the same line for any significant amount of time other than on the power play. After a thorough investigation, it turns out that Rick Tocchet has a reminder note (right next to his sippy cup) on his desk with his five reasons not to play them together.

Reason One:

Combined Martin and Vincent have 1348 points in 1567 games. Less than a point-per-game. How are we supposed to win if we score less than a point every game?

Reason Two:

We unleashed a huge ad campaign for drafting Steven Stamkos. He must play with a star in order to make the money back. – Per Oren and Len

Reason Three:

A couple of coaches ago, the guy played them together religiously. We don’t want any reminders of him around here. Unless of course Oren wants to use him as the villain for Saw 47.

Reason Four:

We offered Lecavalier a huge contract before this season. He owes us. His loyalty, talent, grit, leadership, popularity, and generous contributions within the community are simply not enough.

Reason Five:

Janet Gretzky says so.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Rick Tocchet has left the building!

It would be foolish to say that everyone's expectations of a coach are the same. Some people strictly determine a coach's ability based on the Win-Loss record. Others look at decision-making, player interaction, or the coach's ability to handle the media pressure as benchmarks of good coaching. With so many different aspects to look at, it's impossible to define one factor that makes a 'good' coach.

Every once in a while, a coach makes a decision that leaves no doubt about his ability. And not always in the good way. Inexplicably, after one of the most bizzare situations in recent memory caused the game to be suspended, Mr. Tocchet suggested that he would like to finish the game this Sunday. This would give the Lightning an unprecedented three games in three days.

I'm no expert, but requesting a situation that has never occurred in the history of the NHL is not the way to win over the locker room. What would cause a former NHL player (a pretty good one at that) to sacrifice his players like this? Especially with the schedule overly-convoluted as it is with the Olympics coming up. Why wouldn't you ask to play on Monday? Both teams are off Monday, play Tuesday, off again Wednesday. It would be a fairly normal back-to-back situation.
So, clearly Rick Tocchet is either forgetful, stupid, or certifiably insane. There's credible evidence to suggest all three of these possibilities.

Forgetful:

- Forgetting that sports betting by coaches is generally frowned upon.
- Forgetting to send a wake-up call to his team in Buffalo by not pulling the goalie after giving up three goals in two minutes and 11 seconds (2:11).

Stupid:
- Engaging with your boss' wife in anything beyond "Hello."
- Separating Vinny Lecavalier and Marty St. Louis after almost a decade of playing on the same line.

Insane:
- Agreeing to work for Oren Koules and Len Barrie. Twice.

The Tampa Bay Lightning Guide to Coach/Star Player Disagreements.

It happens all the time in sports. A star player doesn’t like his playing time, or who he is playing with, or what role the coach wants him to play. Inevitably, an ugly dispute gets over-publicized, the team gets distracted, and one of them ends up catching the next bus out of town.

Usually, teams take a reasonable approach to handling this situation. The ownership and management decides who still provides the most value to organization, and who will do so for several years. Several factors go into this decision:

- Contract status of the coach.
- Contract status of the player.
- How well the coach gets along with the other players.
- How well the player gets along with the other players.
- Tradability of the player.

Obviously, this is all important information to consider when a team finds itself in a situation where either the star, or the coach has to go to continue any level of success for the team.

However, in the summer of 2008, the Lightning broke the mold for player-coach disputes, and created a multi-step crisis management plan to handle John Tortorella vs. Dan Boyle.

Step One:
Fire the coach. Good coaches who take risks, accept responsibility for the team, fight for the players, and take a team from the joke of the NHL to a Stanley Cup Championship grow on trees. We’ll find another one.

Step Two:
Trade the player too. Top ten defensemen in the league are easy to find too.

Step Three:
Politely nudge the GM out the door as well. He is responsible for this clearly.

Step Four:
Fire the coach that replaced the coach we fired. This assures that the coach will no longer have any disputes with the player.

Step Five:
Trade away the main player we got for the player we traded. This assures that the player will no longer have any animosity towards the coach or organization. Then send the other player we got to the minors, and trade away one of the picks we got too. We don’t want any reminders of this mess.

Step Six:
Sign the coach who replaced the coach who replaced the coach that we fired to a contract extension. This is especially crucial since the star player has noted that the new coach was his favorite player growing up. We still have him, right?

Welcome

Thank you for visiting my blog. We've got a long way to go before this thing has the notoriety that a lot of blogs do, but we're off and running. I've got some good ideas planned, and hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I will. Stay tuned!