This Week's Five Reasons: Things to do Over the Last Quarter of the Regular Season

Well, this long Olympic break is finally over on Tuesday.  So, some of you may be wondering what to look for over the final six weeks of the NHL regular season.  As a benefit to everyone, DTV has created a list of the top five things for Lightning fans to do over the next month and a half.

5.) Follow DontTradeVinny and RickTocchet64 on twitter.  The reasoning behind this is pretty simple; hopefully the humor will prevent us all from becoming raging alcoholics and deadbeat parents as our favorite team crushes our hopes and dreams quicker than John Tortorella cusses at Larry Brooks.




4.) Call for tee times well in advance at the premier golf courses in the Tampa area.   There should be a lot of our favorite Lightning players golfing around the second week of April. 

In a side note, if you ever wanted to meet
the guy responsible for the Saw series,
he'll be around the courses in the next week or so.


3.) Look over the current list of overpaid, crappy players rumored to be available at the deadline,especially if they used to play for the Penguins. 

These are Brian Lawton's favorite, and will most likely end up on a line with Vinny Lecavalier. 

2.) Get familiar with the junior players pegged to be drafted at the 14-19 positions in this upcoming NHL draft.  That's about where we'll be at.  We'll play crappy enough to just miss the playoffs, or get swept out of the first round, and play just well enough not to get anybody worth a damn. 

1.) Email Jeff Vinik and tell him you'll volunteer for the moving staff.  If enough of us offer free work, he'll be forced to get rid of Lawton and Tocchet.  We may also be able to find locker space for Steve Downie and Steven Stamkos, instead of them having to share a locker with Marty St. Louis. And! On top of that, we may even be able to move Lecavalier's locker out of the basement, and back into the middle of the locker room where he belongs. 

BREAKING NEWS!!! Rick Tocchet Apologizes!

This morning in a very unpublicized news conference, Rick Tocchet has apologized for his actions this season.  Don't Trade Vinny has acquired the only known transcript of the event.  

Rick Tocchet: 
Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my terrible coaching and stupid behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my team, and to the Lightning fans. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

The team and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Lecavalier pointed out to me, my real apology to them will not come in the form of words; it will come from my coaching over the rest of the year. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain in the locker room.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down the fans. For many of you, especially Janet Gretzky, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable financial worry to Oren Koules and Len Barrie.

To everyone involved in the team, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors and most importantly, the young fans we reach, our work is more important than ever. A few years ago, Wayne Gretzky and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through hockey and our team winning a Stanley Cup. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the guys playing in the AHL to the bantam hockey players here in Tampa, millions of kids have quit playing hockey, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Vinny somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Vinny never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our locker room, ever. Vinny has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. He deserves praise, not blame.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful to line combinations. I took advice from Janet. I gambled with the goaltending situation. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that even an average coach should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to John Tortorella apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my team, my fans, Janet, Janet's family, my friends, my community and gambling coaches all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start coaching with integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on the ice rink are only part of setting an example. Character and common sense are what really count.

One parent used to point to me as a role model for his kids. I owe him a special apology. I want to say to him that next time I will try not to get caught.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in Bettman's office receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was an idiot. I understand people want to know whether the Lightning and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between the team and me. These are issues between a coach and a GM.

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used coaching-enhancing drugs. Obviously, this is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my captain. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my captain from the public spotlight. Vinny did not do these things; I did.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my team. They have been kept separate from team sponsors, my gambling endorsements. When I took this job, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase Barry Melrose. However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow Zenon Konopka to the boxing ring and report the boxing ring's location. They staked out Marty and they pursued Steven Stamkos. Whatever my wrongdoings, and no matter how much over the top advertising we did, for the sake of my team, please leave Stamkos alone.

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my team to become a better coach. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better leader. That's where my focus will be.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.  It's also why I shave my head.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for Gary's office and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at the St. Pete Times and the players in the Olympics this year for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.

In therapy, I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me -- money, and a chance to destroy another franchise.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help. I do plan on being a good coach one day, I just don't know when that day will be.

I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do turn into a good coach, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing wishes for me to leave Tampa on the next bus available, and a handful that even want me to stick around. To everyone who has reached out to me and my team, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to me.

I want to thank the NHL, Commissioner Bettman and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my coaching. I look forward to seeing my fellow coaches in the rink.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who for some reason believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

Thank you.

This Week’s Five Reasons: Five Things for Lightning Fans to do During the Olympic Break

While I do enjoy international hockey, I prefer the NHL game.  With the trades being frozen, fantasy hockey being at a standstill, and our favorite Lightning players being (inexplicably) left off the rosters, we're all looking for something to do.  With that in mind, here's the five things us Lightning fans can do during the break:

(In reverse order of importance)

- Keep an eye on the games, and root for your country, or our Lightning representatives. 

- Take solace in the fact that for two straight weeks, the Lightning will not get outshot, will not blow early leads, will have no idiotic coaching gaffes, and will help you avoid awkward questions like “Honey, are you really yelling at the TV?” and “Why is there a remote-sized hole in the wall?”

-  Make the appropriate arrangements for Jeff Vinik’s Welcome Party/Oren Koules' and Len Barrie's Get the Hell out of Here and Never Come Back Going Away Party.

- Get reacquainted with friends and family, a healthy liver, the gym, hobbies, and the normal human function that the day to day operations of the Lightning consistently prevent you from enjoying.

- Hope/Pray/Wish on a Shooting Star/Throw a Penny in the Fountain/Cross Your Fingers/Blow Out Birthday Candles/Write a Letter to Santa that this season will be the last time we ever have to deal with Rick Tocchet. 

Ever. 

Please.

Rick Tocchet’s Pregame Speech

The other day during the game thread over at Raw Charge, we got talking about what Rick Tocchet must say during his speeches.  After several minutes of conjecture, the topic was dropped and left to the imagination.  Well, you’re in luck Lightning fans, as your always reliable DTV confiscated some footage of the speech.

Rick Tocchet: How was this morning, guys?

Marty St. Louis: Not bad, boss.  Pretty brisk morning skate. 

Steven Stamkos: About the same as always, coach.

Vincent Lecavalier: I spent some extra time working on faceoffs, and helping a few of the younger guys with outlet passes, and their transition game.  I really think it went well.

Younger Guys: It was great, thanks Vinny.

RT: Well, whatever.  I was talking about the Sunday morning cartoons, but I guess all that other stuff is good to know.  Well, it’s a big game this afternoon.  We face the Rangers, and they are one of the teams we really need to beat.

Mattias Ohlund: Yeah, they’re right on our heels, a couple insurance points heading into the break would be great.

RT: No, I meant because John Tortorella is their coach. 

A Few Guys: “Oh…”

RT: Last time we played them, they beat up on us pretty bad.

Everyone: “Yeah..”

RT: And I didn’t bother to call a timeout, or pull the goalie until the third, or really do much of anything.

Everyone: “Uh huh.”

RT: Well, we need to…. Lecavalier, how many damn times do I have to tell you not to talk to Marty? This is at least the 50^th time. 

VL: But coach, we’re discussing power play strategies.

RT: But nothing! The only members of this team allowed to talk to Marty are Stamkos and Downie.  Besides, you should be talking to your own linemates, you guys have been awful lately.

*Vinny looks over at Alex Tanguay who is completely asleep (much like he is most of the time when he’s on the ice) and at newcomer Mark Parrish who is still unpacking his bags and can’t seem to find his skates, and has his shoulder pads on backwards.  Vinny shakes his head in disgust, and goes on his cell phone to check out the latest post on Don’t Trade Vinny.

RT: What was I saying? Oh, right.  We need to come out and score quick!

Team: Yeah!

RT: Someone on their team needs to end up Konopka’d!

Team: Yeah!

RT: We need a power play goal from golden boy!

Team: Yeah!!

RT: We need to take a bunch of dumb penalties!

Team: Yeah!!

RT: And finally, we need a FULL TWENTY MINUTES OF GOOD HOCKEY! LET’S GO!!!!

Team: YEAH!!! LET’S GO!!!!

Five Reasons Don't Trade Vinny Loves Vinny

A few of our non-Lightning fan followers have wondered why exactly FRTHKHN (DTV) is so enamored with Vincent Lecavalier.  Well, as our weekly Five Reasons, we’ll outline the top five moments in Vinny’s career.  If you can’t see why we want him to stay after this, then you either don’t understand hockey, or you’re Rick Tocchet.

In reverse order.

Moment Number Five:

Now, as far as hockey fights go, this is really about as lackluster as it gets.  Neither Lecavalier, nor Iginla are exactly known for their fighting prowess.  And really, this laughable slap-fest pretty much resembles Oren Koules and Len Barrie’s tickle fights during the ownership wars before Gary Bettman was called in to tickle them both until they stopped to mediate the situation.

So, you’re probably wondering ‘ok, so why would this be in the top five then?’

The answer is simple.  This moment signified what hockey used to be.  Two team leaders fighting each other during the most important series of their lives.  Leaders showing their team what needs to be done to win the cup.  Not just skating fast, and making cool moves, and celebrating every goal like it’s a touchdown.  And not sucker punching the guy they are fighting in the crotch. They showed what it really means to be a leader.

This was a true hockey moment. At the end of the video: "John Tortorella loved it."  So did we John.  So did we. 

Moment Number Four:

Vinny scores 52 goals in 2006-2007, and wins the Rocket Richard trophy.

Not much needs to be said.  This is what happens when he’s healthy, and gets the appropriate linemates. 

Note to Rick Tocchet and staff: Did you notice how many times Marty St. Louis was in the video?

Moment Number Three: 

 

Lecavalier scores with his eye gouged out.  Again, leadership.  Any normal human being who just crapped out his own eyeball would at least skate to the bench and take a shift.  Not Vinny.  He stays on the ice and scores a goal.  This moment reminds me a lot of Marty St. Louis skating around with the cup bleeding.  Ah, the good ole days.   

Moment Number Two:

First of all, let it be known that Robert Esche is still looking for his jock strap.  He’s over in Russia looking for it now, so if anyone saw where it went after this goal, please give him a call. 

That being said, Lecavalier scores, survives an attempted beheading, and then annihilates Dennis Gauthier.  Gauthier still has an imprint on his face of Lecavalier’s fist.  He calls it “a birth mark.”  Evidently it’s the first birth mark in history to actually spell something.  (Stanley Cup Champions 2004)

Moment Number One:

(At 3:08 in this video)

Vinny hoists the cup.  The crowning achievement in hockey, and the best moment of my life.  This video brings tears to my eyes. 

(Editor’s note: After Jen reading this article and telling me that I had better change this before she kicks me out read this article and we talked, this actually falls to at least the second third or fourth best moment of my life.)

Valentine’s Day in the Bolts Locker Room

With the lover’s holiday coming up this Sunday, FRTHKHN (DTV) was curious about what pricy or valuable gifts the guys got for each other.  We made a few calls, and got the low down.  I’ve had to be very careful with these calls so that no one comes away without being surprised, so if I forgot any, please let me know in the comments.

Vinny Lecavalier – Got everyone an expensive watch, except for Marty St. Louis, as per team mandate. 

Marty St. Louis – In typical Marty fashion, got everyone the smallest box of chocolates available.  It’s also, evidently, the best chocolate ever known to man. 

Jeff Vinik – In a moment completely unfamiliar to everyone in the locker room, got the players their full paychecks on time.

 

Rick Tocchet – Provided each member of the team with a Hi-C Ecto Cooler and a Fruit Roll-up.

 Dave Mishkin – Bought the players miniature versions of the diamond-studded, 30-karat gold crown he wears during the radio broadcasts.  

Zenon Konopka - Doesn’t get the guys anything, but promises to continue killing beating the absolute crap out of anyone that even blinks an eye at anyone on the team.

Kurtis Foster – Gives everyone a free auto glass repair coupon in anticipation of the parking lot hockey game the guys are going to have during the Olympic break.

Victor Hedman – Passes out souvenir photos of him naked after his first NHL fight for everybody’s wives.

Steven Stamkos – Promises to continue to inflate everyone else’s power play stats by vowing to score a power play goal every game until he dies. 

Oren Koules and Len Barrie – Sets up an appointment for all the players with their well-trusted financial advisor, and then are immediately escorted off the premises, and thrown into the bay by Phil Esposito.

Phil Esposito – Immediately escorts Oren Koules and Len Barrie off the premises and throws them into the bay. 

A Letter to Jeff Vinik

All right big guy, you got your team.  For the time being, you are on my good side, and most of Tampa's for saving us from Dumb and Dumber.  Now before you officially take over, we need to discuss some things.

Before I even get started, Don't Trade Vinny is always going to be brutally honest.  While I usually lean to the side of humor, as seen in my post about Gary Bettman, I can get angry too.  I've followed the NHL and the Lightning for as long as the Lightning have been around.  I deserve at least that much.

Listen, the first thing you need to do is get your pretty little rich pointer finger off the 'Trade Vinny' button.  Vinny is just now getting to 100% after a series of injuries.  That dumb looking bald guy that stands behind the bench, yeah, unfortunately he's our coach, and he doesn't like playing Vinny on the first line.  That's another reason for a slight downturn in his numbers.  Vinny will be worth every single cent that you ever pay him, I promise you.  And if you want the fan reaction you described in your interview, DO NOT TRADE HIM.  Period.  If you trade him, you will lose money on this deal.  Guaranteed.

That being said, those other idiots left you with a LONG laundry list of things you need to take care of.  And soon.  Despite what they told you, the franchise is not in that good of shape.  So, here's what you need to do:

- Hire a Team President.  As you said yourself, you want to get in touch with the fan base that surrounded the team during the good years.  To do that, you're going to need someone that was around the team back then, and someone who is in touch with the people of Tampa Bay.   Call Phil Esposito.  Do it.  Now.  He's waiting for you to call him.  He founded this team.  Now.  What are you waiting for?  Bettman hasn't made the purchase official? Oh, who cares? You met the guy, you know he's an idiot.  Just call Phil.

- Fire Rick Tocchet and Hire Ken Hitchcock Now.

- Get rid of Brian Lawton and hire anyone else.  Call Phil Esposito.

- According to this site, we have just over $4,000,000 available before we reach the salary cap.  Have whoever you hire as GM Phil make a deal for Tomas Kaberle.  Or Alexander Frolov.  Or Ray Whitney.  Or J.P. Dumont.  The team as is will not do anything in the playoffs.  If they make it at all.  You know what? Just let Don't Trade Vinny take over as GM.  That way Phil can focus on being President.

- In total seriousness, just do what you just told us you were going to do.  Create a winning environment that players want to be apart of, and fans can enjoy. 

We've been lied to and crapped
on enough by those other losers.

I'm going to let you and your family get settled in now.  If you need me, let me know. 

Stop thanking me, just get on the horn and call Phil. 

By the way, tell Phil to call me.

- FRTHKHN (DTV)

Five Reasons to Know That Your Future in Hockey Looks Freakin' Awesome

Reason One:
You are drafted second overall, stick with the big club from day one after training camp, and average over 20 minutes of ice time a game.

Reason Two:
You are 6-6, 220, and were born in Sweden.

Reason Three:
You end up with a 10-minute misconduct and in your undies during your first NHL fight.

Reason Four:
You pick up an assist and five shots on goal in your first NHL game.

Reason Five:
After having your leg chopped off by some terrorist's skate, you head to the locker room, have it re-attached, laugh at the trainer when he tells you to stay out of the game, let out a primal roar, bite your stick in half, and get back into the game.  And then when it's time to remove the stitches, use them to floss out the chunks of hockey stick stuck between your teeth.

Now that's a hockey player. 

Administrative Note

For a period of time, Don't Trade Vinny may go by the tag of "Fire Rick Tocchet and Hire Ken Hitchcock NOW!" or FRTHKHN.

Thanks.

- FRTHKHN (DTV)

If the Lightning Were Works of Fine Art

Now, for the most part, I think the Lightning are a real piece of work in the most facetious meaning of the phrase in the first place.  But, I got to thinking about it, and wondered if we went to the Lightning Art Museum, what would we find?

 

I've been told that when Vinny Lecavalier calls for a 'Players Only' meeting, it looks exactly like this.  Vinny is seated in the middle.

St. Louis symbolizes everything you could want in a player.  Much like the Statue of Liberty symbolizes everything you could want in democracy.  Commitment, discipline, toughness, loyalty, and complete badass-ness.  If "Manly Liberty" had sounded as good as "Lady Liberty", the statue would have been of Marty.

After Dave Mishkin's, and Phil Esposito's hilarious depiction that Victor Hedman was somehow almost completely nude during a fight, this only seems appropriate.

Completely respectable past, silly and condescending facial expression, and an uncertain, probably useless future.  Rick Tocchet is the Mona Lisa.

And then, there's the owners.