If The Lightning Had Theme Songs

A pretty common practice among MLB teams is to play a song each time a player comes up to bat, or makes a big fielding play.  Usually it's the same song for the same player, and it's a cue for fans to cheer because a bigger name player is involved. 

Obviously, hockey is not a sport where this type of promotion could be possible, but I got to thinking, if it was plausible, what would the Lightning's player's theme songs be?

Vinny Lecavalier: Rock N Roll by Led Zeppelin
It's my favorite song, and it's performed by arguably the best band ever, so it only makes sense.


Marty St. Louis: Short People by Randy Newman
Don't let the name fool ya, the song is actually about stupid discriminatory factors, but given that Marty is the shortest guy in the league, there really is no other choice.

Nate Thompson: Dust in the Wind by Kansas
I hate to use such a great song on this guy, but, as predicted he hasn't really done much of anything.


Steve Downie: Dirty White Boy by Foreigner
Do I really need to say anything?


Steven Stamkos: You've Got Another Thing Comin' by Judas Priest
For everyone that thought he was a bust after last season.

Zenon Konopka: Beat It by Michael Jackson
He beats the crap out of everyone he sees.  This one was simple.


Sidney Crosby: Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Wait a minute, he doesn't play for us.




John Tortorella: Since You've Been Gone by Rainbow
Wait a minute, he doesn't coach for us.  Anymore.

Mike Smith and Antero Niitymaki: Four-Thirty Three by John Cage
None of the musicians actually do anything during this piece, kind of like how neither of these guys actually stop anything from going into the net. 

Rick Tocchet: Pee-Wee's Playhouse Theme Song by Pee-Wee Herman
Evidently, this is the only song Tocchet knows all the words to, and the only tune he would agree to in his contract.



Brian Lawton: None
He wouldn't really have a song, but, an elaborate collection of fart noises randomly strung together.

An Open Letter to the Eastern Conference

Dear Teams Still Alive in the Eastern Conference Playoff Seeding:

Love,

The Tampa Bay Lightning

How This All Happened: The Rick Tocchet Application

By now, Don't Trade Vinny has a modest, but decent following. And if you've stuck around this long, you, like me, are probably wondering, just how in God's name did Rick Tocchet get this job.  Well, your always dependable DTV was able to confiscate Rick Tocchet's employment file from the Lightning head offices.  Evidently, once Tocchet threw down this sterling application, Koules and Barrie offered him the job on the spot. (Click on pages for full view.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Lightning

A while ago, I made a couple of references to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while talking about the Lightning.  One was on Twitter, and the other in a game thread.  Initially not much was made about it, but as I got thinking about it, I thought it would be a great idea for a post.  So, without further ado, I give you the Tampa Bay Lightning version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

Master Splinter: Vinny Lecavalier

Intelligent, all-knowing, stellar leader, mentor.  Our captain guides the team through all levels of conflict, and provides the stability that Rick Tocchet systematically bleeds out of the locker room.

Leonardo: Marty St. Louis

Leonardo was known as the eldest and most skilled of the Turtles.  Needless to say, Marty falls in line with both of those.  Coincidentally, Marty also looks the best in the blue alternate jersey.   

Donatello: Steven Stamkos

The connection here is the lack of violence.  Donatello preferred to negotiate when possible instead of fighting.  Stamkos scores a million power play goals instead of fighting.  I’d say it’s about the same. 

Raphael: Zenon Konopka

The most aggressive of the Turtles, Raphael never backed down from a fight, and often threw the first punch.  The only difference is that while Raphael was generally content in just winning the fight, Konopka doesn’t stop until the coroners pull him off of the body. 

Michelangelo: Brian Lawton

Michelangelo was known as the comedian of the group.  Unfortunately, while Michelangelo told humorous anecdotes and one-liners, Brian Lawton is the real joke.   

April O’Neil: Dave Mishkin

 April was saved by the Turtles and became somewhat of their publicist, and assisted when she accompanied them on their adventures.  While Mishkin’s role is similar, if someone had been yelling “SCORE!!!!” during the Turtles’ fights, some integrity may have been compromised. 

Casey Jones: Phil Esposito

Casey was often seen with April, as well as helping the Turtles, and beating people up with sports equipment.  While being seen with Dave Mishkin is the obvious connection, the more important-yet lesser known- connection is that he’s been known to beat former Lightning owners with a baseball bat.  We love ya, Phil.

Shredder: Rick Tocchet

 The villainous, unequivocal archenemy of the Turtles meets the villainous, unequivocal archenemy of the Lightning.  While Shredder wanted to explode the Turtles, Rick Tocchet seemingly wants to explode the brains of Lightning fans.  No matter what version of the Turtles, they couldn’t ever seem to get rid of Shredder.  This phenomenon is similar to what Lightning fans feel everyday when they pick up the newspaper and read that Tocchet hasn’t been fired yet. 

Now That It's Official, An Open Letter to Len Barrie and Oren Koules

Len and Oren,

We'll never forgive you for this.

Sincerely,
Lightning Fans