How This All Happened: Stories From the Day Steve Yzerman was Hired

So, the intrigue is (THANK GOD) finally over, and we have our Stevie (THANK GOD).  It was pretty heavily noted how persistent Mr. Vinik was in pursuing Yzerman.  As always, DTV investigated heavily into why, aside from the obvious, Vinik was trolling him so heavily.  Well, it turns out that Yzerman turned in one of the most sterling of resumes in the history of the NHL.  Be sure to click on the image to get the full effect.

Fun With Photoshop

Tee hee.... Feel free to email me your own! donttradevinny@gmail.com !

Other Hockey Terms That May Be Misused

Well, I made Montreal jealous earlier after using the term “Puck Bunny” to describe some of my followers.  Apparently… It means ‘a female that goes to hockey games simply to try and score with the players.’ I thought it was just a cute, complimentary term for female hockey fans.  Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me heard about it from those that the comment was directed at.  Embarrassing? Check. Regrettable? Check. Hilarious? Check. Once again; sorry to my lovely lady hockey fans.

Anyway, the whole ordeal got me thinking about some other hockey terms that may have meanings that may be unknown or misused.  Here’s a list of some commonly misused hockey terms.

“Successful Southern Expansion”

Implied meaning: That Gary Bettman’s southern movement was successful.

Actual meaning: None.  I know I’m a fan of one of these teams, but come on we're the only one with a cup. (EDITORS UPDATE: The Hurricanes, Ducks, and Stars have cups too. My Bad.)  

 “Clean Hit by Matt Cooke”

Implied meaning: Matt Cooke did not try to decapitate someone.

Actual meaning: A hit by Matt Cooke in which no one died.

 “Quality Versus Hockey Coverage”

Implied meaning: Versus does a good job covering the NHL.

Actual meaning: Gary Bettman is having an illicit affair with the CEO of Versus, and therefore exaggerates how well they are doing.

“Kyle Wellwood Diet”

Implied meaning: Kyle Wellwood is on a weight-loss plan.

Actual meaning: The daily 12,000 calorie intake of Kyle Wellwood.  ie; ‘The Kyle Wellwood Diet.’

“Tampa Bay Lightning Goal Tending”

Implied meaning: The goalie tandem of the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Actual meaning: Black Hole.

“Icing”

Implied meaning: Clearing the puck from your zone while at even-strength.

Actual meaning: What other hockey players do to Sean Avery’s ex-girlfriends.

“Waffle-Boarded”

Implied meaning: One of Doc Emrick’s favorite sayings; supposed to mean a blocker save towards the direction of the boards. 

Actual Meaning: A method of terrorism interrogation initially drawn up by Dick Cheney.  Terrorists are laid on a hot skillet, doused with butter and syrup, and poked with a fork until they come clean with details of their attacks.

Other Cases of Immediately Losing All of Your Followers

The Twitter World was all ablaze today after a temporary glitch wiped out everyone’s followers.  The glitch was eventually fixed, and everyone got their followers back, but it really got me thinking...  What moments in hockey has someone lost all of their fans instantly? Well, I did some research and came up with eleven high profile cases.

In an extremely costly playoff gaffe, Kerry Fraser loses all his Toronto fans after a non-call on a Wayne Gretzky high-stick.  To be fair, he gained quite a few L.A. Kings fans after this incident.

Mike Keenan lost all of his fans shortly after his first year in the NHL. Unfortunately for him, he never really got any of them back, despite coaching for pretty much every team in the league.

The entire NHL lost it's fans after a selfish Gary Bettman turned down an offer from the NHLPA to take a 24% paycut, resulting in the loss of the entire 2004-2005 season.  Keep up the good work, Betsy.  

Cliff Fletcher lost his after signing Jeff Finger.

Rick Tocchet and Brian Lawton lost their following shortly after being hired.

 

The Lightning lost theirs not long after. 

 Every Ottawa coach ever loses theirs after about 15-20 games.

 

Sean Avery lost all of his female followers, and Dion Phaneuf after an off-color remark about ex-girlfriends.  Secretly, every other guy on the planet thought this was hilarious.

Carey Price lost all of his fans after losing for the first time as a member of the Canadiens. 

One of the more strange, yet extremely consistent fall outs is how the Washington Capitals lose their fans every April or May about two days after they are eliminated in the first or second round.

Sami Salo lost all of his female followers... well... yesterday... He also apparently lost the ability to speak in an octave associated with males.  Tough break, buddy.

Gary Bettman, I've been told, lost all of his supporters about an hour after conception.

The End of an Era: The Fake Rick Tocchet

As some of you know, and for those who don’t, from the Olympic break on, 

I started and maintained a fake Rick Tocchet account on Twitter.

It never quite caught on the way I wanted it to, but through the fake accounts’ 30 followers, 

and the every growing amount of followers of DTV on Twitter, it was certainly popular enough.

Since many of my fans aren’t on Twitter, I figured, I’d recap the whole thing, Down Goes Brown/Fake Brian Burke style. For some of the ambiguous tweets I’ll provide a background, and I’ll highlight some of my favorites.

NTSC Warning: There is some language in this one, be prepared.

You’ll notice some true-to-the-real-thing traits about the fake Tocchet: A frustratingly frequent inability to spell or create coherent thoughts, an irrational, unwarranted dislike for Vinny Lecavalier, a potty mouth, a gambling fixation, and an undying crush on Janet Gretzky.

If anyone is stupid enough to hire him again, the Fake Tocchet may make its way back... We'll see.

By the way, by reading this, you acknowledge that it was not Rick Tocchet tweeting, and that if he ever has someone read this post to him, you’ll help me distract him with a nice Where’s Waldo book. Thanks.

In chronological order…. (Bolds are favorites, background in parenthesis.)

The Lightning as the Cast of Seinfeld

You might have noticed that things have slowed down here at DTV.  Well, just call me the Lightning’s defense.  Slow, unproductive, and inconsistent.  I’ll get going, no worries.

Anyway, while it’s safe to say that the past few seasons of Lightning hockey have been ‘comedy’ in their own right; I thought it would be fun to combine two of my favorite things, the Lightning and Seinfeld. 

You guessed it, Vinny Lecavalier is Jerry.  They are both the leaders of their respective groups, and both enjoy the limelight.  I don’t think Vinny is as petty as Jerry, but Vinny has been known to lose his mind temper once in a while.

Elaine would have to be Steven Stamkos.  Elaine was known as being, well, ‘loose,’ and ya know… Stamkos ‘scores’ a lot.

Marty St. Louis is Kramer.  I mean, they are both everyone’s favorite.  Yeah, I know Kramer is like a foot taller than St. Louis, but come on, you know you’d laugh at Marty advertising for ‘The Bro.’

Phil Esposito is Frank Costanza.  Cranky, stubborn, hilarious. 

Dave Mishkin = Dave Puddy.  “SCCOOORRRREEEE!!” = “THE DEVILS! THE DEVILS!!” Not that I'm trying to intimate that Mishkin is trying to steal anyone's "moves."

I guess I, DTV, would have to be Helen Seinfeld.  She was notorious for not understanding how anyone could not like Jerry.  I don’t understand how anyone could not like Vinny Lecavalier, so I guess the shoe fits. 

Newman = Rick Tocchet.  Newman was Jerry’s nemesis on the show, so it only makes sense.  Not to mention, I’m pretty sure Rick Tocchet has fleas.

 

Unemployed, lives with his parents, frequently dishonest, and consistently exaggerates his qualifications and experience.  Brian Lawton is George Costanza.  

 

Feel free to let me know any I forgot in the comments.