BREAKING: Steve Yzerman Arrested in Montreal for Kidnapping

According to reports, authorities in Montreal have detained Steve Yzerman after he was caught trying to kidnap Montreal Canadiens defenseman PK Subban this afternoon.  Evidently after knocking a starstruck Hal Gill into Carey Price's locker, Yzerman snuck out the backdoor with Subban.

Yzerman was then pulled over for speeding about 30 miles outside of Montreal when Subban was discovered in the backseat.  When questioned about the kidnapping, Yzerman replied:

"Well, we had taken pretty much everything else from the Canadiens organization.  I just assumed we were entitled to whatever we wanted."

Upon arriving at an area prison, Yzerman was of course greeted with a jersey retirement ceremony, then ferocious booing from the crowd that assembled outside the entrance.  Shortly after, Yzerman posted bail and was released.  Shortly after that, roughly $400,000 of damage was done to the prison, and 65 Montreal citizens were detained after a brief riot broke out.

When asked for comment, Canadiens GM Pierre Gauthier had this to offer:
 
"We would have been fine with him taking PK, had he taken Jacques Martin with him as well."

When asked about what was going through his head during the ordeal, Subban was surprisingly frank:

"I got to thinking 'ya know, I'm pretty happy being the Canadiens top prospect, but I could be somebody else's top prospect if need be.'

"And to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to going somewhere where the fan base wouldn't dump me after my first turnover, but, ya know whatever. I'm not a big fan of black anyway."

Yzerman is scheduled to return to Tampa sometime this evening.  Initial reports are that Lightning owner Jeff Vinik has already pursued a restraining order for Yzerman against Andrei Kostitsyn and Roman Hamrlik.   Vinik didn't have much to say about the incident, only this:

"Everyone kept saying he was going to make some bonehead rookie mistake.  I guess this was it."


(Huge Glove Bump to The Active Stick blog for help on this one. Check her out.)

How This All Happened: Stevie Wars-The Philly Dumbass

Well, somehow, Stevie destroyed raided the Flyer's cupboard again.  Oddly, the negotiations resembled those from an earlier deal....

Paul Holmgren: Oh no. We’ll never get him out now.

Steve Yzerman: So certain are you. Sigh.

Steve Yzerman: Always with you, it cannot be done.

Steve Yzerman: Hear you nothing that I say?

Paul Holmgren: Master, moving Meszaros and picks around is one thing. This is Gagne. It’s totally different!

Steve Yzerman: No! *Bangs hockey stick* No different! Only different in your mind. You must un-hear what you have heard.

Paul Holmgren: All-right, I’ll give it a try.

Steve Yzerman: No! Try not. Do! Or do not. There is no try.

The Lightning Lost and Found

Well, as Steve Yzerman gets more acquainted with the organization, he’s finding more and more things he needs to tidy up. As it turns out, the other day he had to take a break from free agent negotiations in order to empty out last year’s lost and found.

As always, my scouts dug through the dumpster, and found everything that Stevie had thrown out.

Who would’ve thought?

 

The Writing on the Wall: Inside the Lightning Bathroom

Well, during the DTV investigation into how we got rid of Andrej Meszaros, my crew alerted me that there was some "unbelievable stuff" on the walls inside one of the Lightning's bathrooms.  As always, I wanted to bring my loyal fans up to date, so I had them take some pictures.



As always, click on the pictures twice to get the full effect.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

How This All Happened: How Stevie Got Rid of Meszaros

Yesterday, Steve Yzerman was somehow able to get the stupid poor Philadelphia Flyers to take on Meszaros’ gigantic salary, despite already having one of the best defenses in the league.

I knew there had to be something strange going on, and as always, I started an in-depth DTV investigation. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised to find out what had gone down.

Paul Holmgren: How long have you had this defenseman?

Guy Boucher: About three or four seasons.

Steve Yzerman: He’s for sale if you want him.

Paul Holmgren: Let me see his statistics.

Steve Yzerman: *Waves hand* You don’t need to see his statistics.

Paul Holmgren: We don’t need to see his statistics.

Steve Yzerman: This is the defenseman you’re looking for.

Paul Holmgren: This is the defenseman we’re looking for.

Steve Yzerman:  It’s a pleasure doing business.

Paul Holmgren: It’s a pleasure doing business.

Steve Yzerman: Move along.

Paul Holmgren: Move along. Move along.