Scenes From Around the NHL Preseason

The NHL Preseason is in full swing, which means of course that the Lightning's preseason is already over. For many of you, that means watching other teams that you loosely follow (or have completely adopted after Koules, Barrie, Lawton and gang ran this team straight into the shitter) until the regular season begins.

As a service to my loyal fans, I took a look around and found some pictures, just to give you guys a heads up on what you might see. Enjoy.

How This All Happened: Mike Smith Hurts Himself

Don’t look now Lightning fans, but Mike Smith is hurt. The injury happened today, and evidently he’s going to have an x-ray on a finger. However, I couldn’t find anywhere offering details of exactly how the injury happened. So, as always I sent my team out to investigate and, well, the results were a little surprising. 

It turns out Mike Smith injured the finger setting up a Twitter account (@SikeMmith). After talking with Dan Ellis about the benefits of social media, the goalie had decided to set up the account in order to talk with fans about friendly topics such as gun control and abortion.

Smith apparently was about halfway through the setup process, and while confirming his email address, had an errant keystroke and heard a snap. Smith wasn’t available for comment, but team PR officials had this to offer:

“While we don’t want to be accused of trying to control our players, we have generally frowned upon our guys getting on Twitter. The distractions it can cause were our primary concern, but the apparent injury risk is quite alarming.”

It has also been reported that Coach Guy Boucher, and GM Steve Yzerman are going to get together after practice and establish a team policy regarding Twitter.

After Modest Success, Dan Ellis Establishes a Stage Name

As we pointed out recently, Dan Ellis has left Twitter, and entered the world of song writing with his newly found free time. It turns out, he’s not too bad at it, and has garnered some modest attention as of late from some record labels. 

Aside from his debut hit, “Can Buy My Glove,” Ellis has released a short CD with some of his other works. The track list is as follows:

- “99 Problems, but a (Twitter) Bitch Ain’t One”

- “Money for Nothing and the Sticks for Free”

- “Careless Tweeter”

- “Material Guy”

- “He Plays Hard for the Money”

- “Jag in the Fast Lane”

- “Pink Jaguar”

- “All About the Danielmans”

Quite a list.

The real news however, is that because of the warm reception from a couple record companies, Danny Boy has officially announced that he’ll be going by his new stage name: Elli$

Dan Ellis' New Hobby

Well, as a surprise to no one, Dan Ellis announced yesterday that he was leaving Twitter.

I knew that Danny boy would have some more free time now, and I wanted to know what hobby he would choose to replace social media. So, I set out the troops on a typical DTV investigation, and it turns out that he has turned to his Music City past and has decided to take up song writing.

My stud investigators were even able to come up with the first draft of one of Ellis’ songs. Turns out he was right; he is a little more humble than people are making him out to be.

Can buy my glove, glove
Can buy my glove

I'll buy you diamond rims my Jaguar friend if it makes you feel alright,
I'll get you anything my friend, if it makes my taxes look right,
'Cause I care too much for your money, money can buy my glove,

I'll give you all goals that I am able to give, if you say you love me so,
I may not have stats to give, but, what I got I'll give to you,
I don't care too much for style, but money can buy my wicked awesome crazy ass mask art that everyone will be insanely jealous of  glove,

Can buy my glove, everybody tells me so,
Can buy my glove, oh mo mo mo,

Say you don't need no stops on center ice shots and I'll be satisfied,
Don't tell me that you want the kind of stats that money can buy,
I don't care too much for wins, but fans can buy my glove.

Huge goalie head-butt to Paul Forrise for some help on the lyrics. Give him a follow and tell him DTV sent ya.

Reasons Dan Ellis Might be in Financial Trouble

For the second time in less than a month, Dan Ellis went on a seemingly unprovoked rant about money on Twitter. While garnering no sympathy what so ever, Ellis disclosed that he was more worried about his finances now than when he was in college.

How could this be, you might be asking yourself. Ellis just signed a new $3 million contract. Well, we here at DTV (and by we, I mean me) have put together a list of possible reasons that Dan Ellis is having money trouble.

• Mistakenly thought Rick Tocchet was still the coach, and agreed to get involved in some “extracurriculars” with him and Janet Gretzky.
• Has continued legal costs involving a sexual harassment case with the Sedin twins.
• Has continued legal costs involving a protective suit against Pekka Rinne.
• May have over-indulged by hiring an international team of artists to paint his new mask.
• Possibly went a little overboard with the pure diamond/24K gold rims on his new Jaguar.
• Got conned by noted friend and Twitter buddy Reggie Bush into buying some trophies and other belongings that he was recently forced to return.
• Has not yet started his eBay store "Specialist Ellis Sellas" to sell the eight different sets of pads he uses in one season.
• Has ongoing costs for a continued search effort for his jock strap after a brief run-in with Pavel Datsyuk.
• Has been saving up for the upcoming operations his brain surgeon brother will have to perform, having lost his freaking mind touch with reality.
• Spends all his time on Twitter instead of at the rink, therefore not quite reaching his potential, and missing out on that Kovalchuk-like deal that every player deserves.

The Real Reason Paul Ranger Hasn’t Made a Decision Yet

An ongoing story in Lightning-land has been the disappearance, and complete lack of information on Paul Ranger. We know that he’s still alive, and that he and Stevie have been in talks, but other than that, no one seems to really know what the hell his deal is. Until now.

As usual, I unleashed my investigators to find out what’s going on. It turns out, it’s pretty simple. Ranger is caught in the middle of the longest game of Rock-Paper-Scissors in the history of the universe.  

According to our investigators, Ranger and his girlfriend initiated the Rock-Paper-Scissors game to determine whether they would go see “Law Abiding Citizen” or “Couples Retreat” back in October of 2009. Initially hoping for best two of three, the couple has tied an incredible record-breaking 1,873,409,399,301 times.  It has been noted that most of the ties have been “Rock.”

The investigators also disclosed that the insane tournament is a lot like Forrest Gump’s run. When they get hungry, they eat, when they get tired, they sleep, and when they have to… you know... they go.