Don't Trade Vinny Out 3 to 4 Weeks After Breaking Hand

"I lost another follower?!"

Tampa Bay Lightning blogger Don't Trade Vinny broke his right hand during Thursday’s game against the Washington Capitals and will be sidelined from three to four weeks.

DTV, who has 72 blog posts and 611 followers on Twitter after 10 months, was hurt early in the second period. He retreated to the bathroom and then to the bedroom, but came back to the game thread.

He didn’t come out of the game thread until after the second period, when he slammed his fist in anger after Mike "Grassy" Knuble broke a 1-1 tie, and then slammed it again harder upon finding out Vinny Lecavalier was hurt. Lightning coach Guy Boucher said DTV typed until he could no longer grip his mouse.

The break occurred in the lower portion of the hand, near the knuckle of the pinky finger. Boucher did not know whether the fracture would require surgery.

DTV missed a game earlier this season with soreness in the hand.

Maple Leafs Forgetfulness Costs Them Two Games

Interesting story out of Sunrise this morning; Team officials for the Toronto Maple Leafs are saying that the players simply forgot that there are hockey teams in Florida and assumed they were in the state to enjoy the weather, get two practices in, and relax.

"Hockey in Florida. I know, good one, right?"

The officials claim they assumed the issue was handled in the Players Only meeting that the team held yesterday, after a blowout loss to The Lightning. As it turns out, that meeting was just a trip to the beach for some beers and sand volleyball.

The misunderstanding was finally cleared up in the third period of Wednesday’s game against the Panthers when a bewildered Tomas Kaberle spoke up on the bench:

“I told them… Guys, there is a scoreboard, and refs, and even some fans. I think this is a game.”

Kaberle then called his father and confirmed that indeed, the Lightning and Panthers are NHL teams.

Immediately after, Mikhail Grabovski scored, but the damage had been done. After the game, Grabovski had more insight:

“No one gives them credit in Toronto, ya know, for being real hockey teams, so we just kind of forgot they existed.”

Coach Ron Wilson, despite coaching a similar team in San Jose, was also in the dark:

“Well, I mean, we got there and their players were all tan, and with all the other crazy (expletive) Burke does, I just assumed he scheduled a couple scrimmages for us against the Caribbean National Team.”

New NHL Products: Sidney Crosby Wine

The idea here is that ‘New NHL Products’ will be a weekly feature here at DTV. But in all reality, it’ll probably run out of momentum after a few weeks. Kind of like the Lightning.

In an attempt to gain more notoriety, the NHL has begun a marketing plan to place popular players on products in markets not normally associated with hockey.

Today, a press conference was held to debut the plan with the much anticipated release of the new Sidney Crosby Wine. Features of the Sidney Crosby Wine Line include:

• 8.7% Alcohol by volume.
• Will be the only wine you'll ever think about drinking from now until we go out of business because the only wine commercials you'll ever see will be for Sidney Crosby Wine. Forever.
• Distinctive label makes it easy to find, so you won’t have to spend too much time in the cellar. 
• According to expert wine tasters, eliminates the need for beer, liquor, and cheese, because Sidney Crosby Wine can take care of everything by itself. 
• Cheaper than most wine because it’s not made with crushed grapes, it’s made with crushed nuts.
• Guaranteed to give you a good buzz, because, unless you drink it in Pittsburgh, you’ll always get plenty of boos!
• The vintage doesn’t matter! Thanks to Gary, we’ve never had a bad year! 
• Available everywhere! Even your local dive! (However, Sidney Crosby Wine not available at MMA, UFC, Martial Arts, or Boxing events, because, well, you’ll never see Sid in a fight.) 
• Makes a great gift. Even people that don't drink will all of a sudden start liking it!

Possible Reasons for Tim Thomas' Turn Around

"There's gotta be a burger around here somewhere..."

One of the most surprising stories this season so far has been the drastic turn around for Bruins’ goalie Tim Thomas this season. After a terrible season last year in which he basically lost his job to Tuuka Rask, Thomas is undefeated so far with sterling peripheral stats.

I began to wonder, as most have, what the hell? So, I put together a list of possible reasons for the turn around.

• Like the rest of us, was so inspired watch Ryan Miller play in the Olympics last winter that he came back refreshed, and ready to do his job to the absolute best of his abilities… Just as soon as someone would let him.
• Was told by team doctors that he needs to watch his cholesterol, and up to this point, has mistaken his Goals Against for his LDL count.
• Finally realized that winning the Vezina means that you should probably be kinda good at being a goalie.
• Is no longer dealing with the burden of high expectations from winning a Vezina.
• Like everyone else involved with the Bruins, has conspired against the Maple Leafs to make them bitter about Tuuka Rask.
• Got sick and tired of all the fat jokes, and decided to prove everyone wrong.
• Thought all the fat jokes were a good idea and said “Maybe I’ll bulk up a little. Just to take up a little more space.”
• Got sick and tired of all the overpaid jokes, and decided to prove everyone wrong.
• Thought all the overpaid jokes were good and said “Maybe I’ll stuff my jersey full of dollar bills. Just to take up a little more space.”
• Saw what happened to Randy Moss in Boston and has becoming increasingly more paranoid about being sent to Minnesota.
• Finally figured out how to see through that pesky mask cage joust helmet Indian Headdress thing he wears.
• Is afraid of being sent back to Flint, Michigan.

Increase in Suspensions Actually Ineffective Secret NHL Plan for Next Lockout

Part of the hype surrounding the 2010-2011 season so far has been the influx of player suspensions. After Danny Briere’s 3-game suspension for giving a noogie cross-checking the head of Frans Nielsen, the NHL suspension totals this season are nine players, and 21 games missed.

Several ideas have been thrown out as to why the increase has happened. Some say it’s the NHL finally cracking down and trying to get dangerous acts out of the game. Others speculate it’s because NHL Disciplinarian Colin Campbell is going through male menopause. 

But, alas, your trusty DTV investigation team has discovered the true reasoning behind the suspension outbreak:

It’s all part of a scheme enacted by Gary Bettman in order to set forth the next NHL work stoppage.

According to sources, Bettman is still bitter about the reaction of the fans after the last lockout, and has set in motion a plan to have every single player in the league suspended.  Bettman was overheard talking on the phone recently. This is what he had to say:

“Most people still side with the players on the last lockout just because they offered up 24 measly percent of their pay to avoid it. Well, if the sons of bitches are all suspended, the fans will HAVE to blame them! Hahahaha.”

Campbell, while on board with the plan, seems skeptical:

“It’s a great idea and all, but he seems to have missed the memo that they all have to be suspended at the same time for it to actually work. But, if I know Gary, he can make anything work. Just look at Phoenix.”