Other Things That Might be Boarding

Well, the Lightning lost a heartbreaker last night to the Bruins. In the interest of the fans, the on-ice officiating crew decided to mar a great game tied in the third period between two first place teams with a penalty call that at best was questionable, and at worst, the worst call in the history of the Tampa Bay Lightning. I’ll let you decide:



So, let’s watch that again, with this in mind…
Contact made with the head? No.
Hit from behind? Nope.
Did the player crash awkwardly into the boards? Nah.
Was the hit shoulder to shoulder? Yep.
Did Campbell have the puck? Yes.
Did Stamkos leave his feet? No.
Did Stamkos take more than one stride? Nope.

What’s that? Boy, you’re right. Sounds like a legal hockey play to me! All right, so now that we’ve established that common, basic, league-wide hockey tasks are now apparently boarding, let’s take a look at what else the league might consider boarding.

- Winning a faceoff
- Losing a faceoff
- Icing
- Blocking a shot
- Scoring
- Fighting
- Breaking your stick in the middle of a slap shot
- Wearing a hat as a backup goalie
- Having a game shown on Versus
- A poke-check
- Celebrating a goal
- Celebrating a win
- Jumping over the boards for a line change
- Calling a time-out
- Chewing your mouthguard
- Getting pulled after giving up too many goals
- Looking at the scoreboard to see how much time is left in the period
- Telling your goalie “nice save”
- Talking to the officials after a penalty
- Calling for the puck by yelling “Slot! Slot!”
- Goalies clearing the excess ice out of their crease
- Growing a mustache
- Hitting the post
- Hitting the crossbar
- Not playing for the Penguins or Capitals
- Giving interviews during the intermissions
- Chasing Sidney Crosby in the scoring race


Big thanks to Katie B for some ideas on this. She calls herself my wingman.  Give her a follow.  

DTV Shorts: Jacques Lemaire Comes Back.... Again

DTV Shorts will be a once in a while feature here at DTV, where the post will be just a headline and a picture. Enjoy.

Other Things NHL Fans Should Throw on the Ice

"I ain't throwing shit."

The story really needs no introduction; a few Toronto Maple Leafs fans threw waffles on the ice after watching the Leafs lose 4-1 to the Flyers Thursday. 

Why they chose waffles (or if Chris Pronger stole them), I have no idea. I'm assuming it's some sort of loose reference to maple syrup, or something similar. But that got me thinking: What could fans of other NHL teams throw on the ice to show their displeasure for the on-ice product, while making some sort of vague connection to the team?

- Tampa Bay Lightning fans should throw nothing, evidently, since if you ask anyone in Canada, we don't exist.

- Los Angeles fans would be wise to throw Whoppers. Or possibly chicken fries.  Those were a disaster.

- Nashville fans should throw local criminals.

- New Jersey fans. You know what to do. Jam.

- Dallas fans should throw telescopes.

- Minnesota fans should throw telescopes.

- Sharks fans should throw the May and June pages from their calendars.  Or if that doesn't work, just throw Joe Thornton. Under the bus. Again.

- Phoenix fans should throw... guys? You there? Bueller? Actually, speaking of former Canadian franchises, it's a good thing blogs didn't exist back in the day, because I don't know what the hell a nordique is either.

- Islanders fans should throw all their sticks in the middle, pick sides, and just play their own game.

- Atlanta fans should throw... what the fuck is a thrasher anyway?

- Montreal fans should throw... I guess each other.

- If I was an Oilers fan, I'd probably throw myself. Off a building.

- Calgary fans should probably throw back a few. It's gonna be a long one.

- Capitals fans should probably throw something, but given that most of them have only been fans since like 2007, they probably don't know that that's a hockey tradition.

-Vancouver fans, if you throw a whale, I'll personally drive there, shake all of your hands, and adopt your team as my new Western Conference favorite.* **


*Offer only valid on real whales. Orcas. Like from Free Willy. Not stuffed animals. A real whale. 
**DTV is not responsible for possible action taken by Vancouver authorities, PETA, that little actor kid, Michael Jackson, or the Canucks.

An Open Letter to Dan Ellis

Dan,

Check it out man… We need to talk.

"Guys! Help! Lost a quarter!"

This is pretty simple, actually. Get back on Twitter. Now. Reopen your account, and start tweeting. About anything.. Money, politics, infidelity, gun control, interest rates, global warming, off shore bank accounts, abortion, you name it. Why? Easy: It was a hell of lot easier to watch you piss people off complaining about money than it is to watch your play in net lately. 

What’s that? The defense hasn’t helped? Maybe that’s because they’re not neurosurgeons. 

Seriously, get back on Twitter. 

-Fans of Goals Against Averages Below 3.20

An Open Letter to Marty St. Louis

Marty,

So, um.. Your hair looks great today! Uh…Oh geez...

*Shuffles feet*

I was wondering if.. 

Sigh…

Look, I know you have kids, and a wife (Yeah.. Give that time) and all, but um, I was wondering if, ya know, you wanted to go to dinner some time? My treat? I uh, think you’re pretty great, and I’d just really like to get to know you. 

Maybe if it goes well, we could see a movie? 

-DTV