I know that many of you, like me, are impressed and a bit mystified when a professional athlete excels at an age at which most of his peers have already been enjoying retirement. Some for several years. So, needless to say, watching Dwayne Roloson come to the Lightning at age 41 and give up 0, 1, and 0 goals in his starts (we’re going to pretend that anomaly in Pittsburgh didn’t happen)has been
jacked up f-ing crazy a little intriguing, if not suspicious.
As usual, that’s where the DTV Investigation Team comes in. They did some snooping into Roloson’s records, made some calls to friends and family, and investigated Roloson’s past.
It turns out: Dwayne went to a carnival in New Jersey in April of 1996 and just like little Josh Baskin, found the fortune telling machine Zoltar Speaks, and wished that he was “big”. He was 13. The next morning, he woke up, was 6’1’’, 180 pounds, had long shaggy hair, and looked kind of like that creepy dude who drives the white van in your neighborhood. He also woke up with a lightning quick glove hand, and the ability to completely dominate the Washington Capitals at anytime. That fall, he landed a roster spot with the Calgary Flames. He’s been in the NHL ever since.
That’s right, DTV-ers; Dwayne Roloson is only 28, and just now entering the prime of his career. All the records he currently owns for being “The Oldest Goaltender to…” have all been erased and changed to “The Youngest Goaltender to…” including the most shutouts by anyone before hitting puberty.
Upon confirmation of this, GM Steve Yzerman plans to offer Roloson a 5-year contract extension. And then return Dwayne to his mother and best friend.