League Stunned After Pissed Off Lemieux Takes His Sidney Crosby and Goes Home

Just days after saying he’d need to re-evaluate his interest in being a part of the NHL, Mario Lemieux called it quits today, saying “I’m taking my Sidney Crosby and going home,” leaving the league after a spectacular career as a player, and successful run as owner.

When pressed about what had been the final straw that pressed him into this decision, an increasingly irritable Lemieux had this to add:

“Look, I got to come out of retirement when I wanted, I got to own my team when I wanted, I got the best player to ever play ever when I wanted, so when all these doo-doo-heads said that I was acting like a spoiled brat, just because I said I wanted something done my way, I knew what I had to do.  Take my Crosby and go home.  That’ll show em.”

When asked about the decision, Crosby had this to say:

“Well, Da… uh, he just said I was grounded.  I don’t have much choice, ya know? I learned a long time ago just not to question.  So, I guess I’ll see ya later.”

The hastiness and weight of Lemieux’s decision obviously caused quite a stir among some of the league’s personalities.  Many were candid in their comments:

Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau: “Good (expletive) riddance.  I (expletive) never (expletive) liked either one of those (expletive) (expletive) (expletive).  And if you (expletive) ask me, all this (expletive) hoopla over all this (expletive) is over the (expletive)top, and just (expletive) ridiculous. (Expletive)!”

Penguins Coach Dan Bylsma: “Eh, whatever.  I was tired of listening to Crosby bitch and moan over and over and over again about a little headache anyway.  You take the good with the bad.”

Analyst Mike Milbury: “What a bunch of (expletives).”

ESPN President George Bodenheimer: “Oh good, that clears up another three solid minutes of Sportscenter for basketball.  Sweet.”

While others seemed distraught by the severity of the decision:

New Versus President Jon Litner: “Crosby too? Oh (expletive).  Even I can’t handle any more PBR.  Who the (expletive) is this Lemieux guy anyway?”

Analyst Pierre McGuire was able to mutter: “I just can’t believe he’s ..sniffle.. really… gone..” before running away sobbing.  

The DTV Investigation Team tried to get a comment from Commissioner Gary Bettman, but was told by David Stern a representative that he’s been placed on suicide watch and was unable to come to the phone.