Late last night, a wire came in to DTV Headquarters that the St. Louis Cardinals were filing a tampering grievance against Lightning goalie Dan Ellis for his involvement and persuasion in the Albert Pujols contract negotiations. The Cardinals claim Dan Ellis had the final say in almost every decision along the way, and, as a professional athlete in another sport, had no right to be involved in the discussions.
After the success of Tuesday’s post, I had already sent the DTV Investigation Team out to take the night off and celebrate. This meant one thing: for the first time in months, I was on my own. After some spirited discussion, I was able to convince Ellis to let me come and do an interview. Here’s a transcription of the interview….
I pull up to Dan’s castle, cross the moat, and ring the doorbell. I’m instantly greeted by his butler Jeeves, his butler’s butler Geoffrey, and his maid Florence. Florence had an English accent, and a skirt shorter than Ellis’ stint in Montreal. I’m taken through several corridors, many rooms, a cathedral, and finally see Dan in his master solarium. He tells me to have a seat, and pulls out a cask of Charcoal-Filtered Siberian Tiger Urine.
DE: “Tiger piss?”
DTV: “No thanks.”
DE: “Let me know if you change your mind.”
DTV: “Will do.”
DE: “Alright, look man, you seem like a cool dude, and Lecavalier says you’re pretty funny, but I’ve got the stock ticker going on DVR right now, so, let’s try and make this quick.”
DTV: “Fair enough. Look man, I just wanted to know if the accusations were true, that you were involved in the Pujols contract talks, and if so, what you said.”
DE: *takes a sip* “Yeah, it’s true. Albert actually reached out to me for help.”
DTV: “Really? Why was that?”
DE: “What does anyone ask for my help about? Money. He was completely up arms… Something about being torn between enjoying a city and being happy there or some bullshit or getting the most money.”
At this point, a miniature giraffe walks across the room, past Dan and I, and lays down on a bed with a cashmere pillow case. Ellis lets out an enormous sneeze, sending spit all over me, his pure diamond coffee table, a stack of Wall Street Journals, and the giraffe itself.
DE: “Damnit! That always happens! I must be allergic to giraffes. Can you hand me a Kleenex? The box is behind you.”
Behind me is a 24k gold end table. I grab the box, and notice it’s full of five-dollar bills. Ellis takes out two and blows his nose. At that point he wads them up, and beckons for Jeeves.
DE: “Sorry about that, where were we?”
DTV: “Um, well, Pujols had asked you for money advice.”
DE: “Oh right, yeah. Ya know, at first I actually told him to be careful.”
DTV: “What do you mean?”
DE: “Well, I told him what I was trying to tell everyone before; ya know when all those derelicts got so mad at me on Twitter.”
DTV: “Yeah, I remember. What exactly was your point? No one was really sure where you were going with that.”
DE: “Well, money is a lot like kids.”
DTV: “How so?”
DE: “The more you got, the more you have to keep track of. It’s a bitch, really.”
DTV: “Um, right… and that’s what you told Albert?”
DE: *laughs hysterically* “Vinny was right; you’re a damn funny guy.”
DTV: “Uh, k, so what did you tell him then?”
DE: “To go for the money!!!!! To go for the pimped out cars, castles, giraffes, and tiger piss! This lifestyle is amazing. I told him to go for every last damn cent he possibly could. To hell with a city, in the end, a city is just some place to enjoy your riches for an extended period of time.”
DTV: “What about the fans? Fans tend to develop strong connections with certain players.”
DE: “Fans? Hell, if he gets that contract, he can buy any type of fan he wants. I invited him over here just to show him the life I live, and he was hooked. That’s the power of money.”
DTV: “Yeah, but wait a minute. Pujols is one of the best baseball players to ever play the game. Doesn’t he already have more money than you?”
I ask this in the middle of Dan taking a big drink of tiger urine. He spits the urine all over me, his pure diamond coffee table, a stack of Wall Street Journals, and the giraffe.
DE: “NO one has more money than me. This interview is over.”
No giraffes were injured in the production of this post.