|Despite his pleading, the glass of wine was not given a penalty.|
What felt like a decade’s worth of non-update updates, medical conjecture, media brown-nosing, and brief retirement talk finally ended last night with the return of Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby who single-handedly beat the New York Islanders last night. Literally. He was the only person who played for the Penguins last night because hockey is no longer a team sport. Or at least that’s what Versus would have you believe.
At any rate,
all eyes were on Crosby last night, and everyone hoped they would finally get some definitive information about Crosby’s recovery, and the exact nature of the symptoms that had kept him sidelined since January 5th. In an under-publicized press conference after the game - in which the DTV Investigation Team was, of course, in attendance - the true nature of Crosby’s injury was revealed:
Sidney Crosby was not sidelined this entire time with a concussion, but with what was actually just a really bad hangover as a result of a belated New Year’s party thrown by Penguins owner Mario Lemieux.
“Well, ya know, we couldn’t have a New Year’s party on New Year’s Eve because of the Winter Classic, so we had it after the game. I tried to play that next game against Tampa, but I mean, I just had too much to drink at that party. I was dizzy, my stomach hurt, headache, and then we scored eight damn goals against them, really lit the Lightning up, so the bright lights and goal horns didn’t help. It was one mean hangover, but I’m finally rehydrated and out of bed, so I think I’m good to go.”
Evgeni Malkin (while drinking a Gatorade bottle full of Russian vodka):
“But seriously guys, I’m a changed player. I know how to play within the rules no… who? Number 87? Who’s that? I only see the numbers on the back of the other team’s jerseys. What about him?”
Coach Dan Bylsma:
“We’ve been doing the normal things. Lots of water and juice, frequent naps, a half a dose of Tylenol when he could handle it. Same stuff that everyone does. It’s just one of those things, when you do everything as great as he does, I guess you literally do everything that big. I told Mario not to let him drink that night, but he didn’t listen.”
As the press conference waned on and on, the media began to paint a picture of an extravagant party with vivid scenes of call girls, kegs, and hard alcohol; mayhem and madness with Max Talbot doing body shots off of Crosby to Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA. Finally, as Mario Lemieux stepped up to speak at the presser, the question was finally asked: What in God’s name did Crosby have to drink that would knock him off the ice for nearly a year?
Mario had this to offer:
“I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. All he had to drink was one glass of wine.”