After Loss to Detroit, Steve Yzerman Says “Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead."

"I signed him for how long?"

With the Lightning having lost six of ten, sitting in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference, a season long inability to win on the road with four of the next five games away from Tampa, and the upsetting realization that we have five more years of continual face palming Victor Hedman turning the puck over and testing the durability of the glass high and wide of the opponent’s net, it doesn’t seem like things could get much worse for Lightning fans right now.  

They might have gotten worse.  

After last night’s 4-2 loss to the Detroit Red Wings – a game that was preceded by an emotional video tribute to Steve Yzerman in his first game back in Detroit – the Lightning GM has announced that he’ll “catch up with us later.”  Yzerman on the decision:

“Well, ya know, I forgot how great it is here in Detroit.  What with the fans, the winning, the tradition, the actual changing of the seasons.  The loss really sealed it, I was talking to the team about how we’re heading home and can right the ship, and that’s when it popped in my head: ‘Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead.  I’m just going to stay here.  I’ll catch up with you later.’  They seemed disappointed, but I think they’ll be all right.”

Yzerman was vague about just exactly when he might be returning to the team, but indicated it could be as soon December 17^th when the Bolts visit nearby Columbus to take on the Blue Jackets.  He added: “Because hell, if we can’t beat them, I don’t know that I’ll ever be back.”

Despite his reassurances of a return, many of the other Lightning personnel were disappointed in the decision.  Captain Vinny Lecavalier had this to say:

“Uh, well, uh, ya know.  Uh, he really likes it there in, um, Detroit.  Spent his whole uh, ya know, um career there I think.  Sooo, we’ll just uh, ya know, take it, um, one, uh, game at a time.  And try, um, to, ya know, uh, win him back.Or something.”

Coach Guy Boucher:

“That son of a bitch!  Well, pretty soon you guys will have a new scar to ask about.”

Injured defenseman Mattias Ohlund seemed to have quite a bit to say about the move, though none of it was picked up by reporters, as he was standing with his back turned to the media, speaking straight into his locker. 

Defenseman Victor Hedman:

“You mean to tell me I even turned over the GM to the other team?  Fuck.”

Star winger Marty St. Louis seemed to take the decision especially hard as, though he didn’t offer a comment, he was seen holding a noose and jumping furiously at the hanger clip in his locker.  Unsuccessfully.