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| "You mean in games we don't shoot on the same guy we do in practice?" |
Well, with things not looking good for the Lightning, it’s time to get back to what we do best around here: making fun of them.
Right now, the Lightning have lost five in a row, seven of ten, and are joyriding around the bottom of the conference. We have no reliable goaltending right now, even less defense, and the secondary scoring of a shitty wingman. Things are bad.
Or as longtime Lightning fan know it: Normal.
So, what better way to attempt to match the level of humor on the ice than by taking a look at just exactly what we’re getting with my new favorite target’s new contract? In case you missed it, he signed an extension for five-years, $20 million. And according to several sources, his agent said he was willing to take as many years as the Lightning were willing to give. And when you look at this list, you’ll understand why.
- $10.00 per inch.
- $2,000,000 per goal, apparently.
- $0.50 per face palm.
- $0.25 per obscenity.
- $2,000,000 per year to Mattias Ohlund for the worst, and yet, most expensive babysitting job in the history of the universe.
- $1.00 per mind-bogglingly stupid neutral zone turnover.
- $5.00 per beautiful end-to-end rush that continues to provide false hope as the beauty comes crashing down like the Hindenburg with a shot that has a better chance of being on our own net than the opponent’s.
- $500,000 per awkwardly adorable commercial where it’s easier to understand what ThunderBug is trying to say than him.
- $4,000,000 per dry hump.
- $20,000,000 per half-assed attempt at making a strip tease for Mattias Ohlund look like a hockey fight.
And finally,
- $20,000,000 per Lightning team bowling outing.
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