Hundreds Arrested for Tax Fraud After Trying to Claim Nabokov from Red Wings

I hereby sentence you to one year with the Isles!

Big news out of Washington, DC today.  Days after the Red Wings signed free agent goalie Evgeni Nabokov, the IRS revealed today that they have foiled one of the biggest tax fraud schemes in recent memory.  

Nearly a thousand people were arrested over the weekend for trying to claim Nabokov on their tax returns.  Although the cases seem to be unrelated, the IRS wasn’t taking any chances.  IRS agent Richard Jerkers had this to say:

“Anytime you have this many people with tax problems, the government notices.  That may be the only time we notice, but hey, we notice.”

One of the indicted individuals, a Tom Tomlinson from Buffalo explained his confusion:

“Well, I’m a hockey fan, and every damn article I saw had the headline ‘Who Will Claim Nabokov?’ Eventually, the headlines combined with those incessant Turbo Tax ads… it just all blurred together.  So, I said ‘To hell with it!’ and claimed him as a dependant on my tax return.  I got confused.  I blame the media.  Always forcing the issue.”

Aside from the obvious fact that Evgeni Nabokov is 35 years old, not a dependant, and clearly not related to any of these people, there are several rules that prohibit such a claim.  Non-US citizens cannot be claimed as dependants, at least half the years support of a dependant must come from the person attempting the claim, and technically, Nabokov would’ve had to been put on the 2011 return, not the 2010 that’s being filed now.  Beyond that, senior citizens do fall into a different tax bracket, further negating Nabokov's eligibility. 

Another of those indicted, Amanda Kikenball, explained her side of the story:

“Everyone was talking about where he’d end up.  He obviously had no place to go.  He must’ve felt so alone.  I felt that claiming him was the first step to adopting him.  I wanted to do my civil duty, and provide a home for a helpless kid.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  He must be so scared.”

It’s been mentioned that the IRS intends to go after these individuals to the fullest extent of the law.  Anyone with any previous record of tax offenses will likely see significant jail time. 

Added Jerkers:

“Everyone is looking for a (expletive) handout.  Does Uncle Sam try and claim all of you as dependants? Huh-ho!! I don’t think so.”

The DTV Investigation Team reached out to Nabokov for comment, but was immediately hung up on. 

Big thanks to DTV-er drayna14 for some of the tax information and ideas for this post. Give him a follow. If he doesn’t follow you back, then #BlameSteveDownie. 

This post is in no way an attempt to discredit, slander, or fraudulently represent the IRS, or United States Government in any way.  Any similarity to any events is both coincidental and unintentional.  Seriously.  It's a freakin hockey blog.

DTV Shorts: Aggressive NHL Extends Ban on Hits to the Head to Include Celebratory Goalie Headbutt

DTV Shorts will be a once in a while feature here at DTV, where the post will be just a headline and a picture. Enjoy. 

Haven't seen much of this this year.

 

How This All Happened: Why Dwayne Roloson is Still a Badass at Age 41

I know that many of you, like me, are impressed and a bit mystified when a professional athlete excels at an age at which most of his peers have already been enjoying retirement.  Some for several years. So, needless to say, watching Dwayne Roloson come to the Lightning at age 41 and give up 0, 1, and 0 goals in his starts (we’re going to pretend that anomaly in Pittsburgh didn’t happen)has been jacked up f-ing crazy a little intriguing, if not suspicious.  

As usual, that’s where the DTV Investigation Team comes in.  They did some snooping into Roloson’s records, made some calls to friends and family, and investigated Roloson’s past.  

It turns out: Dwayne went to a carnival in New Jersey in April of 1996 and just like little Josh Baskin, found the fortune telling machine Zoltar Speaks, and wished that he was “big”.  He was 13.  The next morning, he woke up, was 6’1’’, 180 pounds, had long shaggy hair, and looked kind of like that creepy dude who drives the white van in your neighborhood.  He also woke up with a lightning quick glove hand, and the ability to completely dominate the Washington Capitals at anytime.  That fall, he landed a roster spot with the Calgary Flames.  He’s been in the NHL ever since.

That’s right, DTV-ers; Dwayne Roloson is only 28, and just now entering the prime of his career.  All the records he currently owns for being “The Oldest Goaltender to…” have all been erased and changed to “The Youngest Goaltender to…” including the most shutouts by anyone before hitting puberty.  

Upon confirmation of this, GM Steve Yzerman plans to offer Roloson a 5-year contract extension. And then return Dwayne to his mother and best friend. 

DTV Shorts: Penguins Use Police Spike Strips to Foil Stamkos Penalty Shot

DTV Shorts will be a once in a while feature here at DTV, where the post will be just a headline and a picture. Enjoy. 

 For a bigger view, just click on the picture.

A Year of Don't Trade Vinny

Well, today is DTV’s anniversary.  My little blog is a year old.  

When I started this thing, I figured my readership would consist of me, and like eight other guys who hated Rick Tocchet.  As it stands now, my readership has morphed into me, eight other guys, and like two strange women who hated Rick Tocchet too.  Now we’re talking.

When DTV was born, the Lightning were amidst one of the most laughable ownership/management situations in the history of history, and about to embark on a crash course to the bottom of the conference for the third year in a row.  As it stands now, we’ve got a Jedi GM, a coach who still scares the living hell out of me (in the good way), and we’re tied for the most points in the Eastern Conference.  Now we’re talking.

It’s been a crazy year, both personally for me, and for the team, but it’s made for some laughs.  Below you’ll find the links to The Best of DTV.  As for the future: Only time will tell.  Two things are for sure.  One, this blog will very soon turn into DontTradeVinny.com.  Two, we’ve got a new layout in the works that should makes things a little easier to read.  Ya know, like how Brian Lawton skips through the pages of a book until he finds the pictures.  Kind of like that.

Thank you, my handful of readers.  It’s been a fun year.

The Best of Don’t Trade Vinny

Rick Tocchet Apologizes 

An Open Letter to Oren Koules and Len Barrie 

The Rick Tocchet Job Application 

Fun With Numbers: Rick Tocchet's Winning Percentage 

The Steve Yzerman Resume 

Jedi Master Stevie 

Sidney Crosby Wine 

Other Things That Might be Boarding