|I hereby sentence you to one year with the Isles!|
Big news out of Washington, DC today. Days after the Red Wings signed free agent goalie Evgeni Nabokov, the IRS revealed today that they have foiled one of the biggest tax fraud schemes in recent memory.
Nearly a thousand people were arrested over the weekend for trying to claim Nabokov on their tax returns. Although the cases seem to be unrelated, the IRS wasn’t taking any chances. IRS agent Richard Jerkers had this to say:
“Anytime you have this many people with tax problems, the government notices. That may be the only time we notice, but hey, we notice.”
One of the indicted individuals, a Tom Tomlinson from Buffalo explained his confusion:
“Well, I’m a hockey fan, and every damn article I saw had the headline ‘Who Will Claim Nabokov?’ Eventually, the headlines combined with those incessant Turbo Tax ads… it just all blurred together. So, I said ‘To hell with it!’ and claimed him as a dependant on my tax return. I got confused. I blame the media. Always forcing the issue.”
Aside from the obvious fact that Evgeni Nabokov is 35 years old, not a dependant, and clearly not related to any of these people, there are several rules that prohibit such a claim. Non-US citizens cannot be claimed as dependants, at least half the years support of a dependant must come from the person attempting the claim, and technically, Nabokov would’ve had to been put on the 2011 return, not the 2010 that’s being filed now. Beyond that, senior citizens do fall into a different tax bracket, further negating Nabokov's eligibility.
Another of those indicted, Amanda Kikenball, explained her side of the story:
“Everyone was talking about where he’d end up. He obviously had no place to go. He must’ve felt so alone. I felt that claiming him was the first step to adopting him. I wanted to do my civil duty, and provide a home for a helpless kid. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. He must be so scared.”
It’s been mentioned that the IRS intends to go after these individuals to the fullest extent of the law. Anyone with any previous record of tax offenses will likely see significant jail time.
“Everyone is looking for a (expletive) handout. Does Uncle Sam try and claim all of you as dependants? Huh-ho!! I don’t think so.”
The DTV Investigation Team reached out to Nabokov for comment, but was immediately hung up on.
Big thanks to DTV-er drayna14 for some of the tax information and ideas for this post. Give him a follow. If he doesn’t follow you back, then #BlameSteveDownie.
This post is in no way an attempt to discredit, slander, or fraudulently represent the IRS, or United States Government in any way. Any similarity to any events is both coincidental and unintentional. Seriously. It's a freakin hockey blog.