DTV Shorts: Scott Clemmensen to Enter NHL Substance Abuse Program with Drinking Problem

DTV Shorts will be a once in a while feature here at DTV, where the post will be just a headline and a picture. Enjoy.

 HUGE goalie headbutt to Derek at Copper and Blue for sending this screen cap to Raw Charge.  All credit for the photo goes to him. 

After Lightning Win, Fans Struggling to Continue Negativity

"They fucking won?"

The Lightning recorded a decisive victory last night, deflating the Hurricanes' playoff hopes, and putting together a full 60 minutes of hockey for the first time in years weeks.  The win provides a springboard into the playoffs for the team, and allowed for some much needed relief in the locker room. 

Not everyone is happy about it, though.  Tampa Bay Lightning fans, long known for their incredible fair-weatherness, are not happy about the win, as they are finding it difficult to continue their weeks-long stream of negativity and outrage. 

The DTV Investigation Team was sent out into the field, and came back with these fan testimonials.

Thomas McDouchie:

"This is ridiculous.  I had this longwinded, profanity-laced rant all typed up and ready to post on the internet about how Steve Yzerman is a complete bust as a GM, and then they play like that.  WTF mate?"

Sharon Peniston:

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.  I had already given up and started paying attention to the Rays.  Then they win.  Back and forth with these guys."

Richard Large:

"I mean, not only did they win, but Mike Smith played well too.  What were they thinking?"

Joey Suckerson:

"I don't know what to get mad about now.  I had such a good thing going, ya know, seeing the box score the next day in the paper and making sarcastic comments about the Lightning to my boss.  I guess I could get pissed off about the new logo again.  That usually works for a couple weeks."

Janet Dumass:

"I'm not too worried about it.  There's always the fail safe: Vinny's contract."

Upon completion of the interviews, most fans admitted they had no real plan for what to do if the Lightning achieve any success in the playoffs. 

2010-2011 Lightning Season Review

As was widely mentioned by fans on Twitter last night, the Lightning's season has ended. 

It was somewhat of a wild season with a brand new coach, a brand new GM, a mostly brand new roster, a nice stretch of time in first place in the Southeast, and then a slump that watched the team spiral out of first place, out of the playoffs, and then out of the NHL altogether.  Being accentuated by a devastating, humiliating, soul-crushing overtime loss to a hot team who the Lightning never beat.  Ever.  To add insult to injury, the winning goalie in the game was 18-time Vezina Trophy winner Curtis McElhinney, who the Lightning had lost on waivers earlier in the year. 

With another season in the books, the Lightning players firming up their tee-times, and fans left to watch the teams still left in the Stanley Cup playoffs, we'll take a look at some of the highlights from the year.

Sep. 06, 2010: Dan Ellis embarrasses himself, the Lightning, and pretty much the entire universe by going on Twitter and complaining about money as a millionaire.  Hockey fans everywhere are completely baffled asking: He plays for who?

Oct. 14th, 2010: The Lightning beat the Flyers to start the season 5-0-0.  Attendance at Lightning home games, and visitation to Lightning blogs doubles. 

Oct. 16th, 2010:  The Lightning lose 6-0 to the Panthers, recording their first loss of the year.  Attendance at Lightning home games, and visitation to Lightning blogs dwindles down to nothing.

Dec. 2nd, 2010: The Lightning get completely obliterated by the Bruins, 8-1.  Goalie Mike Smith says after the game that the goalies have to "hold the fort" and immediately drops the pen he was holding.

Jan. 1st, 2011: The Lightning trade for goalie Dwayne Roloson.  Defenseman Mattias Ohlund becomes overwhelmed with relief as now there is someone who might possibly stop the opposing player who he gift wraps the puck to.

Jan. 5th, 2011:  Victor Hedman dry humps Sidney Crosby, and in the days following is accused of giving Crosby a concussion.

Feb. 24th, 2011: The Lightning trade Dan Ellis.  Lightning fans are ecstatic.  Lightning satire bloggers are pissed as the last 'easy' target (other than Ohlund) has just left town.

Mar. 17th, 2011: Lightning center Vincent Lecavalier swats a housefly off of PK Subban, and is kicked out of the game.  For the first time since 1992, Canadian hockey fans are pissed at the Lightning, and not simply because they exist. 

There's the 2010-2011 season in a nutshell.  Lightning fans everywhere sit and wait, and once again hope that next year is our year.  The DTV Investigation team was able to conjure up one final player interview, and that was with Lightning heart-and-soul Martin St. Louis.  St. Louis had this to offer:

"It's funny how quickly the worst year in franchise history can develop.  Seems like just yesterday that, ya know, we were sitting firmly in the middle of the playoff pack, had a couple days to rest, and then a nice, long, 10-game tune-up heading into the playoffs.  Maybe next year."

Lightning Become First Sports Team in the History of the Universe to do Something They Complained About

"I get my own History Will be Made commercial now, right?"

They’re celebrating history today in Tampa, after the Lightning became the first sports team ever in the history of the universe to imitate an action they had previously complained about.   The hero of the day being Right Winger Marty St. Louis, who scored the game winning goal.  This previously never before seen act of similarity caused various emotions from fans around the league, mostly outrage. 

The breaking of history occurred when the 35 year old, 12-year NHL Veteran St. Louis swooped in during the shootout and pulled off the same move – to the exact inch – that 23 year old, first year NHL rookie (that of 20-something games at the time) Linus Omark performed in his first career NHL shootout attempt back in December. 

The absolute exactness of the similarity of the situations can be seen below:

Some experts on Twitter have called the moves “identical” and “exactly the same.”  When asked about the move, St. Louis had this to offer:

“Well, ya know, I’ve done pretty much everything else in hockey, ya know, won a Cup, the Hart, Lady Byng, broken 100 points in a season.  So, I figured ‘what the hell’, no one else in sports has ever copied another team, ever.  So I decided I’d try it.  I’m just happy it worked out, and we got a win.”

St. Louis’ teammates were equally as jovial.  Star Steven Stamkos had this to say:

“Ya know, I’ve been around the league for a few years now, and kind of established myself, so I thought I’d try a similar move and flirt with history, but then Marty did it EXACTLY like Omark.  I mean, exactly the freaking same.  They are so identical, the videos are even called the same on YouTube!  That’s why he’s the best.  It’s an unreal feeling to be a part of history tonight. YES!”

Lightning Coach Guy Boucher, while smiling, seemed unwilling to get wrapped up in the celebration:

“Look, I’m damn pleased to get two points tonight, but let’s be honest, complaining or even talking about the shootout is like bitching about having too much money, I mean really, who does that??”

Around the league, it appears the Lightning are set to be trendsetters.  Other NHL teams will now begin trying to replicate feats accomplished against them, in which they had some sort of beef or complaint.  The DTV Investigation team spoke with representatives of various teams, and here are some of the acts of imitation we can expect around the league:

The Pittsburgh Penguins have decided to attempt goal and victory celebrations they have witnessed. 

The Boston Bruins will apparently start trying to decapitate players of other teams.

The Philadelphia Flyers will now start trying to attract fans that are respectful of other teams’ players and fans.  

The Atlanta Thrashers will now start trying to attract fans.

The Washington Capitals have a plan to have at least one player dive once in a while.

And lastly, the Ottawa Senators will try and be worth a damn at hockey.

New NHL Products: Mattias Ohlund Turnovers

The original idea was for this feature to run every week or every other week.  It ran once.  So, New NHL Products will now be a feature that runs evidently once every few months.  The first installment, Sidney Crosby Wine can be found here.

The newest product from the NHL has just been introduced!  It turns out that Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Mattias Ohlund has come out with an exciting new line of Turnovers.  Features of the new dessert line include:

"For me, there's never a bad time for a turnover."

- While most turnovers are usually baked or fried, Mattias Ohlund Turnovers are always torched.  SLOW cooked for the ultimate taste!

- Taste so distinctive, it makes the rest of your meal look better!

- Specially designed recipe leaves you thinking about Mattias Ohlund turnovers for hours!

- So tender, Mattias Ohlund Turnovers have been known to just fall apart!

- May cost a little more, but are packaged by the thousands.  One package will give you turnovers for the next seven years!

- Packaged for long term storage!  Our packaging is so durable it can handle temperatures up to -16!

- Are great for on the go.  Whether you’re at home or on the road, you can always enjoy a Mattias Ohlund Turnover!

*Note: Mattias Ohlund Turnovers are loaded with calories and can bind down even the most open arteries.  Mattias Ohlund Turnovers should not be eaten if you have set out to reach any nutritional goals.

*Icings sold separately.

The Different Types of Lightning Fans and How to Handle Them

"Need tickets? I'm thinking of scheduling a colonoscopy that day."

In Part Two of the series, I’ll take a page out of DGB’s book, and we’ll take a look at the different kinds of Lightning Fans you can expect to encounter, and I’ll offer some advice on the best ways to deal with them. 

Most teams in the NHL have a distinctive variety of fans, with each bringing a special contribution to the game experience.  The Lightning are no exception.  As part of my continuing education for you, my new colleagues, I offer you the following list.

The Vinny Hater

Description: This guy is an idiot.  Not only an idiot, but an idiot with the rationale of a squirrel.  He believes that Vinny Lecavalier should be traded at all times, no matter what.  Vinny is leading the team in scoring as of late? “Trade the bastard while he’s still got value!” Vinny is slumping, or injured? “That bastard has NO value! TRADE HIM!”  Yep, that’s right, trade someone who has “no value.”  Because ya know, if someone was offering me something with no value, I’d certainly trade for it.

How to recognize him: He’ll be the guy lobbing obscenities at anyone in the crowd that’s wearing a Lecavalier sweater. 

How to deal with him: Kick him in the nuts and walk away.

  

The Lifetime Fan

Description: There’s only one known instance of this species.  You can find his website here.  Poor bastard.

How to recognize him: When he’s not uttering sentence fragments at himself and meandering the streets, he’s usually on the internet making jokes about feeling more comfortable when the Lightning are terrible.  Or as he calls it: ‘normal.’

How to deal with him: Probably not a good idea to talk about Rick Tocchet.  And feel free to kick him in the nuts too because he made fun of you somewhere later in this post.

The Mostly Loyalist

Description: Loves the Lightning, and has a pretty good grasp of the team's history.  He's not afraid to admit his fanhood, and will stick up for the team through thick and thin. Is usually able to keep things in perspective, unless you want to do something insane like update the logo.

How to recognize him: He's the guy still yelling into the phone at his season ticket representative, threatening to cancel his tickets if they take the lightning bolt off the pants.  

How to deal with him: In these instances, you're better off ignoring him, and instead trying to help the season ticket rep. Who, after trying to explain for 25 minutes that they've actually decided to keep the lightning bolt and put some black on the new sweaters, is now fashioning a noose and climbing on top of her desk trying to reach the sprinkler. 

The Backstabber

Description: This is a tricky bunch, and can be hard to detect at first.  Most days, they are loyal Lightning season ticket holders.  They cheer for the team, and seem like your standard hockey fan.  But then, out of nowhere, the Canadiens, or the Sabres, or the Flyers come to town, and these vile, lowlifes show their true colors, and show up wearing the sweater of the team from which they moved to Tampa from. 

How to recognize him: “Hey, what’s Bob doing in a Sabres jersey?”

How to deal with him: Kick him in the nuts.  Then, next game when the Capitals are in town, buy him a beer.  Fight fire with fire, I say. 

The Snowbird

Description: This is actually a subset of the Backstabber group.  Knowledgeable hockey fan from the North, who has a winter home in Tampa.  Roots for the Lightning most days, until the Bruins are in town. 

How to recognize him: The first game he goes to, he’ll be as pale as the ice.  The next three months he’ll  have third degree burns on most of his body.

How to deal with him: Kick him in the nuts.  Then, come the second week of March, offer to drive him to the airport.  

The RIGHT NOW

Description: This guy wants to make a trade for any and all good players whose name appears on the rumor list, regardless of cost or detriment to organizational depth.  If this guy had his way, we’d have Evgeni Nabakov, Tomas Vokoun, and Ilya Bryzgalov as our goalies.  Tomas Kaberle, PK Subban, Sergei Gonchar, Dustin Byfuglien, Lubomir Visnovsky, and Brian Rafalski would make up our defense.  According to this guy, our offense would be Steven Stamkos, Martin St. Louis, Alex Semin, Vincent Lecavalier, Brad Richards, Jarome Iginla, Henrik Zetterberg, Steve Downie, Simon Gagne, Jeff Carter, John Tavares, and Bobby Ryan.  We’d be about $1 billion over the salary cap, and be the first team in NHL history to have a team plus/minus rating of -1000. 

How to recognize him: He’s probably scouring the list of free agents on Cap Geek, trying to figure out a way we can sign Brad Richards, Joe Thornton, and Andrei Markov, while still giving Stamkos an adequate new contract.  He’ll be sidelined with this until July 1^st, missing our playoff run, and losing the two friends he had in the process.

How to deal with him: Let him do his thing, and enjoy a good chuckle.  

The Local

Description: There are several subsets of this group, but by and large, they don’t care about the Lightning, and are only at the game because someone gave them a free ticket.  The three hour ordeal is worth it to this person if the Lightning happen to score three goals and he gets a free movie ticket.

How to recognize him: He’ll either be in a Rays of Buccaneers jersey, or some 15 year old dumbass who thinks he might get lucky with his girlfriend if they end up on the kiss cam.

How to deal with him: Ask him what that last call was, and giggle as he stares blankly ahead, pretending you’re not talking to him. 

The Bandwagoner

Description: Coincidentally fell in love with the team in 2004.  Owns a Brad Richards sweater and a 2004 Stanley Cup Champions hat.  “Moved away for a couple years around 2008, and just moved back.”

How to recognize him: Open up your wallet.  Take out Drivers License.  Look.

How to deal with him: You should probably quit asking where Dan Boyle is. 

A Tampa Bay Lightning Fan’s Guide to Being a Tampa Bay Lightning Fan

Well, it’s been a pretty solid year for the Lightning so far, which means we’ve got a few more fans hanging out than usual.  With that in mind, I’m putting together a two-part series on how to be a Lightning fan. 

To most of you: Welcome! 

To most of the rest of you:  Fuck off. Welcome Back!  Haven’t seen you since like 2006.

To those who are left:  Has the economy gotten any better in Detroit?  Sorry about that.

As with most teams, there are some key ideas, players, and concepts that are crucial to being a fan of the Lightning.  As a convenience to you, I’ve gone ahead and outlined some advice in regards to those concepts just in time for the big playoff push.  They’re all lumped together in a ‘FAQ’ style to make it easier for all of you.  Start familiarizing yourself with these ideas, and you should fit in just fine by the beginning of April.

- No, you can’t have Stevie back.

- Go ahead and take a look at the roster.  We actually don’t play “Stamkos versus all” against other teams. 

- Hockey is actually a little more in depth than ‘soccer on ice.’

- It’s actually pronounced “Gee.”  Yeah, I thought Hebert was the only one too.  Guess not.

- No, Vinny has not been traded.

- Yes, our first star goalie was named Puppa.  And yes, it still makes me giggle.

- No, you can’t have Stevie back.

- No, we haven’t traded Vinny yet.

- Oh, that Vinny.  Yeah, we’ve traded him like 16 times already.  New York.  Rangers.  Torts is there too.  And Fedo.  Yeah, actually it is pretty damn funny to think about Torts and Brooks interacting daily. 

- You should probably look up the term “lazy turnover in his own zone” and start desensitizing yourself to it.

- No, we still haven’t traded Vinny.

- No, that little guy doesn’t have some weird Blues third jersey on, that’s actually his name.

- Why, yes, he has been known to carry a light saber around. 

- We have this super funny blogger.  He’s pretty cute too. 

- It’s probably a good idea to adopt black as one of your favorite colors.  Trust me on that one.

- Look man; I told you, Stevie is staying with us.

- No matter what your intentions, “Puck bunny” is not a flattering term.  Trust me on that one.

- Dude, the trade deadline was Monday.  Quit asking me, we can’t even talk about that again until the summer.

- Dave Mishkin is not a raging lunatic.  Just excitable. 

- Oh that? That stands for “Goals For” and “Goals Against.”  You should probably just start ignoring that part of the standings.  Trust me on that one.

- Yes, we did actually have a team the past two seasons, but all records of that ever happening have been doused in gasoline, torched, and the ashes buried in the deepest pits of the Indian Ocean in a trunk that has 45 of the strongest locks known to man guarding it. We’ve also trained 13 Great White Sharks to constantly circle the area where it’s buried.  No, seriously.

In Part Two tomorrow, we may take a deeper look at some of these concepts when we talk about the different types of Lightning fans, and how to deal with them.  Stay Tuned.