Guess I'm Legit Now: Dwayne Roloson History Looks Like An Old Fart

So, keeping up with the recent trends of having DTV pop up in places usually associated with people who actually know what they're doing, yesterday I got an email from Versus asking me to post this video for my wonderful DTV-ers out there. 

Two things strike me about this:

A.) How the hell did Versus find my dumb ass?
B.) They're not mad we knocked the Posterboys out?

And yes, I went ahead with my normal content ahead of Versus because I love you guys that much.  That, or I got the email after I already posted my Pros and Cons piece.  I'll let you decide which.


 
They also wanted me to tell you about a sweet contest where you can possibly go to one of the games in the Stanley Cup Finals.  But you have to get in on that by tomorrow, so you should probably try and get there quicker than Mattias Ohlund would.  Just sayin'.

Grand Prize includes:
2 Tickets to a Stanley Cup Final Game
Round-trip Airfare
Ground Transportation
Hotel Accommodations
$250 Gift Card
 
http://www.facebook.com/NHLonNBCandVersus?sk=app_215009725176853
 

A huge thanks to Rubes at Versus, Versus, and whoever in their marketing department decided it would be a good idea to contact me.  We should get together sometime.  Call me.

The Pros and Cons of Playing the Washington Capitals

"I need three hot dogs!"

Wow.  What a series.  The Lightning won Game 7 last night, ridding ourselves of those OH so loveable Penguins, maintaining a perfect franchise record in Game 7’s, and raising my blood pressure to extremely unhealthy levels in the process.  Thanks a lot, Nate Thompson.  

Now what?  Well, for those of us on this side of things, we’re forced to buy an umbrella and some ear plugs to fend off all the Penguins fans sobbing and moaning that it would’ve been different with Wonder Boy and the Russian.  

Beyond that? We’ve got more golf hockey to play! Sorry, habit for this time of year. 

And wouldn’t you know it, we’ve got our best buds the Capitals this round.  This growing rivalry gained some traction during the regular season, highlighted by Versus showing the Lightning for the first time ever and Bruce Boudreau spitting out, amongst the crumbs, that Stamkos and Downie dive every 20 seconds.  

With all this in mind, I’ve put together a list of the Pros and Cons of meeting the Capitals in the second round.

Pro: You’ll learn everything you could possibly want to know about Alex Ovechkin. 

Con: You already knew everything you wanted to know about Alex Ovechkin from every other Versus broadcast the last five years.

Pro: Washington doesn’t have an experienced veteran goalie currently playing some of the best hockey of his career.

Con: They do have like 14 other young dudes who can play goalie at any time.  

Pro: Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau is likely to add fuel to the fire with lively, pointed commentary aimed at the Lightning.

Con: Unless you subscribe to the Playboy Channel, you won’t be able to hear a single word of it.

Pro: Alex Ovechkin has had a down year compared to his normal pace, outright slumping at times. 

Con: Steven Stamkos has had a down playoffs compared to his normal pace, outright not existing at times.

Con: While I never like to see someone hurt - especially with a head injury – talented defenseman Mike Green will play after his recent re-injury scare blocking a shot with his head.

Pro: That’s the first shot the Capitals have blocked in about five years. 

Con: The Caps have an All-Star capable of end to end rushes and scoring from anywhere every time he’s on the ice.

Pro: He’s supposed to be a defenseman.

Pro: The possible line combination of “The Green Wideman Laich Ovechkin Semin” is guaranteed to make you giggle.

Con: The possible line combination of “The Green Wideman Laich Ovechkin Semin” making Mattias Ohlund look like a big dumb oaf is guaranteed not to make you giggle.

Pro: The Capitals have a fan base constructed of extremely knowledgeable fans who boast about their loyalty dating all the way back to 2007.

Con: The Lightning have a fan base constructed of extremely knowledgeable fans who boast about their loyalty dating all the way back to March 7.

Con: The Capitals have qualified for the postseason the past four seasons in a row, largely with their current core of players.

Pro: They’ve got about as much experience playing in the second round as we do.

Bad Decision Making: Week Three

Well, we're through the third week of this nonsense.  And, it's become apparent that my beard knows the reason for it's existence and has fully adopted the traits only appropriate of a Lightning beard: Looks great one day, and shitty the next. 

The next 'Hungry Man' spokesman.

 

 

 

You can thank me later for Stamkos showing up finally.  Somehow he got tangled up in that area where my beard has now joined forces with my chest hair.  Sorry about that. 

BREAKING: Stamkos Announced as a Missing Person

Bad Decision Making: Week Two and DTV Shorts: Ohlund Goal Leads to Blizzard in Hell

Well, we just finished the second week of beardage.  I still think it was a terrible idea, and I hate you all for holding me to my word.  Not really.

Anyway, it's really started to get itchy and annoying.  Ya know, like how you feel when you watch Max Talbot.  Itchy, and annoyed.  Here's week one for comparison.

Beard steroids needed.  I think Mark McGwire is in town.

And also. Mattias Ohlund score a goal Friday.

Thanks to 1funny.com for the picture.

Annoyed With Suspension, Matt Cooke to Bring Sniper Rifle to Game Two

"The 'A' stands for 'assassin.' "

Pittsburgh Penguins dirty man and all-around despicable left winger Matt Cooke is growing tired of his suspension, and he plans on letting everyone know about it tonight during game two tonight.

Always looking for two things – to make a difference in every game the Penguins play and new ways to strike unsuspecting players when they aren’t looking – Cooke has found a way to do both during his current NHL ban: to bring a sniper rifle to the game and just start plucking the Lightning players one by one from the stands.

Cooke says he plans to wait until the second period to initiate the shooting, citing the fact that by then, he should have a pretty good idea of which Lightning players are really making a difference in the game.  Cooke had this to offer when asked of the plan:

“Well, ya know, it’ll probably be when the Lightning are in the opposite end of the ice.  Ya know, with their backs turned.  That’s usually when I like to go, when they can’t see me.”

Lightning marathon man and little tough guy Marty St. Louis seemed un-phased by the news:

“I took three bullets to the chest one game in college.  One of em even hit my heart.  Didn’t miss a shift.  I’m not worried.”

After Controversial Officiating, NHL Admits Crosby was Assigned as Booth Official

"Excute Order 66."

The playoffs are only a day old, and already the NHL has a controversy on its hands that could potentially derail the entire post season.

As was noticed and mentioned by several fans and media types on Twitter last night, Sidney Crosby was at last night’s game wearing a headset and microphone.  The early speculation was the Crosby would be making suggestions and observations on the game to the coaching staff of the Penguins at ice level.  

However, after an onslaught of questionable penalty calls against the Lightning and several non-calls for the Penguins, including a blatant high-stick on Martin St. Louis that required double root canal to fix, speculation arose that Crosby may have been on a different assignment for the game.  

A League official speaking on the condition of anonymity (Look, it was Bettman) admitted this morning to the DTV Investigation Team that Crosby was indeed assigned to the game by the League to act as Chief of Officiating, Head Goal Judge, and Video Review Officer.  The official also acquiesced that the league would likely extend the assignment for the duration of Crosby’s injury.

“I can’t say a whole lot about this, but we need him involved in these games.  Whatever it takes to make that happen we’ll do.  He makes the world go ‘round!”

The official then left the interview rapidly, apparently singing the chorus to “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.”

At the time of this publication, the Lightning management was deciding whether to protest the series.  No word on how this will affect the other teams involved in the NHL playoffs. 

Out of Habit Lecavalier Schedules Golf Outing, is Late to First Playoff Game

The first games haven’t even started yet, and we’ve already got our first drama of the 2011 NHL Playoffs.

Lightning Captain Vinny Lecavalier was late to tonight’s series opening game against the Penguins.  The reason?  Golf.  That’s right, the 30 year-old center was roughly 25 minutes late for the team’s scheduled arrival time at the CONSOL Energy Center, and showed up wearing Dockers, a red nike polo, golf spikes, and a Titliest hat.  When asked about the goof, Lecavalier had this to say:

“Look, cut me some slack.  I’ve played for the Lightning my entire career.  I schedule these things years in advance.  First day of the playoffs, nothing going on, I golf, that’s just the way it’s always been.  Some habits are hard to break.”

Lightning head coach Guy Boucher was not reserved in his comments about the tardiness:

“Ya know, shit like that probably would’ve flown under (former dumbass coach Rick) Tocchet, but not on my watch.  He’ll probably sit for the first period.  At least.”

Lecavalier, often a target of angst of the Tampa Bay fan base, may have added fuel to the fire with the gaff.  Moreover, the incident may have been the final nail in the coffin for the long-standing trade rumors.  Lightning GM Steve Yzerman:

“Well, he’s really an irreplaceable kind of guy and he had a second half as good as any in the NHL, but this may be the final straw that forces us to deal him.  It’s certainly something we’ll have to look in to this summer.”

However, not all the feedback on the late arrival was negative.  Lecavalier again:

“Well, I did shoot a 68; so actually, I feel pretty damn good going into the game tonight.  All in all, it’s not that bad of a thing, ya know?”

And Pittsburgh Penguins head coach Dan Bylsma:

(Wiping away several tears) “Good! It’s freaking karma if you ask me!  Sid (Penguins captain Sidney Crosby) is for sure not playing today.  Sniffle.  He (Lecavalier) should sit!  It’s a joke that it might only be for one period, but I’m glad to see it.  Sniffle sniffle.  I can’t believe the NHL is going to let us endure this without him (Crosby).”

Bad Decision Making: Week One

We've all been there.  You instantly regret something the minute it leaves your mouth.  Ya know, like when you try and pick up a chick and then realize she has a laugh that sounds like Woody the Woodpecker after a Red Bull.  Or how Paul Holmgren surely felt after trading for Andrej Meszaros.  Moments that make you question your sanity. 

Well, I haven't worn facial hair since high school, and typically it grows slow enough that I only shave every other day, sometimes every third day.  So, what does any logical person under those circumstances do?  Allows himself to get caught up in the hype of his team making the playoffs for the first time in like 85 (four) years, and asks his Twitter friends if he should grow a playoff beard.  Good call, dumbass.

At any rate, I'm a man of my word.  And it's been a week now which means my beard is already four times fuller than Sidney Crosby's Stanley Cup 'stache from whenever it was they won, and still a full lifetime away from being as thick as Scott Hartnell's five o'clock shadow. 

"So easy a blogger can do it"

As you can tell, it's starting to come in.  Still a long way to go before I lose any small creatures in it though. 

Speaking of small creatures, there's somebody I'd like you all to meet.  I know many of you wanted to see pictures of him like a month and a half ago when I got him, but, to be honest I wanted to wait at least a few weeks to make sure I didn't kill the damn thing.  Had that happened I would've pretended he never existed and acted like you all are crazy.  Without further ado, I introduce you to Newt Thompson.

He's about two and half inches long, and has a 68.5% faceoff percentage.  Damn skippy.

It's playoff time, and we're playing my most favorite team ever in the first round.  I'll have plenty of new stuff the next couple weeks, promise.