Bad Decision Making: A Conclusion

Well, this incredible, surprising, dream of a season is over.  For me, that means a little bit of time off.  Unless something completely ridiculous, and ridicule worthy happens.  Which is surely inevitable. 

Not quite two months ago, I had the terrible idea to grow a beard for as long as the Lightning lasted.  Had I known that two of our series would go seven games, and the NHL would give us 40 days and 40 nights (presumably to celebrate The Rapture) in between rounds two and three, I wouldn't have brought it up.  Live and learn, I guess.  Next time, I'll definitely be coming up with some other gimmick for the playoffs, because this was ridiculous.  Before the pictures, a few stats on the first shave in two months:

-One full bottle of shaving cream
-Empty hot water heater
-Three different razor blades
-A bathroom that looks like I just gave my black lab a bath, which would be fine, except that I don't have a black lab.
-More time spent shaving today than it took to mow my lawn.  Not kidding.

Somehow though, I endured the shave without injury, and without much irritation.  Thanks a million, Gillette Fushion. 

Looks worse than Stamkos' nose.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful... because I'm not.

At any rate, I want to thank a lot of people.  Rubes, Versus, that dude from Sports Illustrated that emailed me, the Raw Charge gang, my boss for not firing my ass, my daughter for not thinking I'm a stranger, and all of you out there, my lovely DTV-ers.  It's been a long strange trip.  We'll share some more laughs at the expense of the clowns in the NHL real soon.  Thanks again.

-DTV

P.S. If you want to watch the evolution of that hideousness, and I have no idea why you would, here ya go.
Week One
Week Two
Week Three
Week 5.1
Week Six
Week 7.2

Another Video: Bite Sized History

The Lightning forced several things with their win on Wednesday.  Game 7, fan idiocy, and Versus to send me another video.  It features a personal favorite of mine, Marty St. Louis. 



Be sure to watch Game 7 tonight on Versus.  I wouldn't want you to miss the inevitable fan retaliation, as if we are involved in the outcome of the game what so ever. 

Bad Decision Making: Week 7.2 Let's Ease the Pain with this Picture of the Abominable Snowman

The Lightning once again find themselves on the brink of elimination.  It's tough to watch what might be the end.  Kind of like how it's getting tough for me to look in the mirror each day. 

If the Lightning pull it off, can my beard get an assist too?

But if there's anything I know about this team, it's that they don't give up.  To punctuate that, let's reminisce on Game Four, and hope they can rekindle some of that magic.  Video courtesy of my new pals over at Versus.  You've probably seen it by now.



Bring it boys, my beard isn't ready to go down the sink just yet.  Be sure to watch the game on Versus, tomorrow night.  Thanks again to Rubes and Versus for the sweet videos. 

Breaking News: Victor Hedman Underwent Minor Procedure Between Games 4 and 5

"They found this up there too."

The Tampa Bay Lightning disclosed today that Victor Hedman had a successful surgical procedure yesterday morning and is currently resting in preparation for tonight’s game.  

The procedure, referred to by team officials as a Head Removal from Ass operation was finished in just over an hour, and Hedman was cleared to fly with the team to Boston.  The team was mum on the cause of the operation, but did concede the point that it is a fairly common procedure with little risk and minimal lingering effects.  

Teammate Mattias Ohlund had this to say:

“Oh, yeah, that.  I’ve had that done several times.  I referred Victor to my doctor in fact.  He’s a pro.  Done it for me, Victor now, Smitty, just about everyone on the team.  The only time he’s ever had a failed operation was when Tocchet tried to have it done last year.  Still, pretty good success rate.”

The Bruins were aware of the procedure but remained largely indifferent, with only Mark Recchi weighing in:

“Well, obviously I really wanted to help with the operation, seeing as this is dealing with the head, but I got wrapped up in ensuring the NHL that the refs made the right call; that Downie over-emphasized his face bouncing off the glass.  As you can tell, everyone is always looking for a doctor.  Glad to hear it went well though.  Next time.”

Hedman is not expected to miss any time and was not wearing a no-contact jersey during the skate today. 

Big goalie headbutt to long time DTV-er Batgirl for the idea for this post.  Give her a follow.

Afraid of Antagonizing Anyone Else, Bruins Remove All Signs from Arena

"They know those signs were a joke, right?"

Massive renovations are currently underway at the TD Gardens – the home arena of the Boston Bruins – after team and arena officials decided to remove absolutely all signage from the building.  The decision was evidently called down after a recent uproar over the team’s popular “Bear Ads” and the subsequent decision to remove those ads.  The decision to remove the Bear Ads was fueled largely by a Tampa area radio host’s campaign asking callers to call the Bruins marketing department and complain.

A team official had this to say:

“Well, first we got the calls about the Bear signs, then we got calls about the calls about the Bear signs, and then we got calls about the calls about the calls about the Bear signs, and frankly we’re just fucking sick of all it, so we’re getting rid of everything.  The signs on the boards, the placard on the front of the building, the Stanley Cup banners, everything.  Even the God damn bathroom signs.  All of it.  Of course, when some dumbass walks into the women’s bathroom, I’m sure we’ll get fucking calls about that too.”

As it stands, the team believes the arena will be ready to go for Monday’s Game Five, and the game is not currently in risk of being rescheduled.  

When asked about what effect this might have on the Lightning, Coach Guy Boucher had this response:

“Well good.  We should try that.  Maybe then our fucking defense wouldn’t be so distracted and might actually play some defense.  Maybe that’s what they were looking at last game.”

Rejected Bruins Signs

The Boston area is renowned for its unique personality, and the poignant manner in which the natives interact with each other and outsiders.  The sports world is no exception, and the Boston Bruins have long had some of the more aggressive and entertaining advertisements.  Many of which have taken aim at a particular opponent.  

The Lightning are no exception, and the Bruins have gotten their jabs in ads offering shuffle board during the intermission to Lightning fans, and another intimating that Lightning fans simply don’t exist.  While the two ads are quite obviously counter intuitive, the real funny part is that the last time I checked I do still exist.  That means there’s at least one of us, making the whole thing a complete failure.  A failure that could’ve been avoided with a little internet research.  

But it got me thinking, what other failed signage is there?  So, I sent my DTV Investigation Team out on the call, and as it turns out, there are several rejected Bruins signs.  

Bad Decision Making: Week Six and History Does Not Sound Very Enthused

The Lightning won a game Saturday, which is notable for a lot of reasons.  Mainly because even though the Lightning had won seven straight before the game, and had come into the Conference Finals with plenty of rest, they apparently had no chance of winning what so ever. 

But aside from evidently breaking the laws of probability, logic, and philosophy, the game was also notable because the Lightning scored three goals in a 85 second window which, as it turns out, is pretty helpful in trying to win a hockey game.  So much so, that Versus sent me another video to show you guys, my great DTV-ers. 

It turns out the video is pretty notable as well, mainly because of the completely transparent, feigned excitement by Doc Emrick.  I haven't heard such fake enthusiasm since I opened that sweater on Christmas morning last year.  And as with the other two videos, blogger sucks and closes down my post area so that like a quarter of the video is out of the frame.  Sorry about that, you can still see the important stuff though.



To hear more of Doc Emrick pretending to be happy the Lightning scored and to hear Jeremy Roenick actually give us some credit for being pretty good at playing hockey, tune in to Game Two. 

Game 2: May 17th 8PM on VERSUS

For more information about the NHL Playoffs on VERSUS and NBC please check out:
http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/3032803/ns/sports-nhl/

NHL On NBC and VERSUS Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/NHLonNBCandVersus

Twitter:
http://twitter.com/NHLonNBC_VS

Also, I have another beard update for you.  And continuing this post of unnotable notable things, I should point out that my mustache now has a mustache.  

Pretty Ted Kaczynski-ish, eh?

Anyway, thanks again to Versus for the sweet vids, thanks to my upper lip for not leaving me for someone else's face, and thanks to all of you guys for everything. 

P.S. Okay, okay, so Emrick doesn't sound like he's faking it that much.

P.P.S  Yeah he does.  

Tips for beating the Bruins: A Guest Post from The Active Stick

Doing his best Rick Tocchet impression, evidently

Every so often, you find yourself in a situation where you realize you really don't know what the hell you're doing.  Ya know, like how Rick Tocchet felt when he was promoted to head coach instead of mascot.  Or how Newt Gingrich feels when he's asked to say something nice.  Or when a silly, sarcastic blogger gets emailed by some of the most important hockey outlets in the world.

Ya know the feeling?  Well, that's likely how the Lightning feel being in the Eastern Conference finals.  Even more so, playing the team they probably did the worst against this year, the Bruins.  Well, being the team player I am, I asked around for some advice from teams that actually had some success against the Bruins this year.  Sadly, none of them offered it, so I went with the next best thing, and got some advice from the team that hates them the most, the Montreal Canadiens.  So here you are Lightning and DTV-ers, tips for beating the Boston Bruins, care of the lovely Laura from The Active Stick. 

The keys to beating the Boston Bruins, as learned from their two previous playoff series:

• The Flyers asked me to tell you it is imperative that you have a goaltender in net.
• Don't go to overtime unless you know how to complete line changes.
• Don't make any comments about Brad Marchand's nose, despite the fact that it really is longer than every game will seem thanks to the 1-3-1.
• Oh, about that. Expect Claude Julien to copy everything your coach comes up with, and for luck to be on his side, not yours.
• Don't turn your back to any Boston Bruins. Ever. Not only does this help your chances of winning the series, it also helps if you're into staying alive and stuff.
• The Boston Bruins power play is beyond atrocious. If you think your teammates are looking a little tired, go ahead and flip the puck over the glass and enjoy a two-minute break.
• This series is going to be a huge adjustment for you compared to your last series, because the Bruins will occasionally actually try to win.
• Kaberle on the ice? One less shooting lane you have to worry about.
• Kaberle not on the ice? None of their remaining D can catch up to you even if you attach a bag of sand to your skates.
• Don't touch Gregory Campbell.
• Or any of his teammates.
• Watch out for Zdeno Chara's shot. The one with his stick, too.
• Expect to spend a lot of time dislodging Brad Marchand's ass from Dwayne Roloson's face.
• Expect to spend a lot of time dislodging Milan Lucic's face from your nightmares.
• Please tell me you're good at the faceoff thing.
• Scratch that. You don't need to do any of the above if you can figure out how to get a goddamn puck past Tim Thomas.

Bad Decision Making: Week 5.1 and Boucher Scarring the Pages of SI

Once again, I find myself stumbling around in the presence of legitimacy, as a rep from Sports Illustrated wanted me to alert you guys to a piece about Guy Boucher that will be featured in the issue hitting newsstands tomorrow.  Here's a teaser.  And by teaser, I mean the only thing I'm allowed to show you without that same dude from SI showing up on my doorstep with a baseball bat.

And also, it's been a while since I've updated you on my beard.  While I'll never be able to bring myself to root against the Lightning - and believe me, when Rick Tocchet was still around, I came damn close - I'm ready for this thing to go. Of course, with the NHL being pissed off at us, what with eliminating the Penguins and Capitals and all, they've decided to schedule the first games of round three for next February.  Which will actually work out pretty good since there won't be a Super Bowl going on or anything.

Roughly the same look I had when I heard Rick Tocchet was taking over.

At any rate, thanks to SI for sending the scoop on the story over, and thanks to you all you out there, DTV-ers.  We're growing stronger and larger by the day.  Stay tuned, back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.  Sort of.  I'll leave it at that.

-DTV

The Pros and Cons of Playing the Boston Bruins

Given the fair popularity and overall success of the first version, I’ve decided to do this piece again for our Conference Finals matchup against the Boston Bruins.  Enjoy. 

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

You might not have heard about it, but there was actually a team that played against the Capitals last round.  That was us.  We beat them.  In four games.

Our next test?  The tough Boston Bruins.  Despite the Bruins owning us throughout the regular season, this isn’t a terribly unfavorable matchup for the Lightning.  I’ve gone ahead and hashed out a list of the Pros and Cons of facing the Bruins in round three.

Pro:  The Bruins also swept their second round matchup, and the league has generously given both teams 47 days to rest.

Con:  Several key players in the series will be either retired or dead by the time it finally starts.

Con:  Boston seems to have finally lived down their 3-0 collapse to the Flyers last year.

Pro:  They did so by sweeping the Flyers who thought it might be a good idea to hire the Beach Boys.  Not to sing the National Anthem.  To take turns playing in net.

Con:  The Bruins have far more personnel in their organization from Canada.

Pro:  The Lightning have far more personnel in their organization named Steve.  

Pro:  Speaking of, Steven Stamkos has finally learned his lesson about taking untimely boarding calls.

Con:  No one seems to know what the hell the rules for boarding are anyway.

Pro:  Marty St. Louis will finally have someone around to get things off the top shelf of his locker for him.

Con:  Zdeno Chara isn’t allowed in our locker room. 

Con: Boston has chiseled veterans who know how to win championships such as Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Shaq.

Pro: Wait a minute…

Pro:  The Bruins have a goaltender born in the crustaceous period just like us.

Con:  He’s about eight feet wider than our goalie.

Con:  The further along the Lightning get in the playoffs, the more likely their general inexperience may come into play.

Pro:  Tomas Kaberle spent most of his career in Toronto, so it’s not like he knows what the hell he’s doing right now either.

Pro:  The Bruins have Gregory Campbell on their team, ensuring interest in the series by the NHL front offices and the series will serve as a nice answer to their usual question of “Tampa Bay who?”

Con:  Guy Boucher may get frustrated constantly answering why penalty killers Nate Thompson and Adam Hall are suddenly averaging 35 minutes a game.

Pro:  Tim Thomas has been known to have a temper, doing crazy things like slamming his stick, pushing the net over, and throwing waterbottles, all of which are guaranteed to make you giggle.

Con:  Zdeno Chara has been known to have a temper, doing crazy things like taking 108mph slapshots, pushing buildings over, and throwing opposing forwards into stanchions, all of which are guaranteed not to make you giggle. 

Pro:  The Bruins may have the only defense in the league capable of turning the puck over as much as Tampa Bay’s does. 

Con:  The Lightning may have the only defense in the league capable of turning the puck over as much as Boston’s does.

Pro:  Fans with hearing impairments may have develop a new interest in the sport now that Andrew Ference has established himself as an absolute master of sign language.

Con:  They may be immediately turned off when they see what he has to say.  

Pro:  The Bruins have a certified neurologist with the team at all times, and have him available to diagnose any and all head injuries that occur during the game.

Con:  I work with some of the best neurologists on the planet and none of them have ever heard of a “Dr. Recchi.”

Possible Reasons the Lightning are Up 3-0

Doesn't hurt.

To the surprise of pretty much everyone, the Lightning have a commanding 3-0 series lead with a chance to sweep the Washington Capitals right out of the playoffs tonight.  

While there have been times where the Caps have outright controlled play, it’s been a hard fought series, and the Bolts have shown great resiliency.  I’ve gone back and dissected the series up to this point, and came up with a list of possible reasons the Lightning control the series.

- The Lightning caught wind of my playoff beard, and decided it would be funny to try and get me in trouble with my employer.  

- The Capitals are content with their progress, having made it past the first round, and consider it a successful year and are really just ready to go back to Russia and relax for the summer.  

- Both teams got together before the series started and all agreed it would be pretty damn funny to watch Canada get all pissed off if the Lightning made it to the Conference Finals again.

- The Capitals, in an unfortunate moment of forgetfulness, did not recall that John Tortorella used to coach for the Lightning, which is relevant since he’s the only coach they can seem to beat in the playoffs. 

- Hey, not everyone can have a 41-year old 31-year old in net. I don't know how that works either, but it's got to be an advantage.

- Vinny Lecavalier has stepped up and taken over, playing a solid two-way game comparable to Steve Yzerman, and at times scoring at will, like the Vinny of old.  (I told you so, dicks.)

- The Lightning have an unfair advantage, what with Marty St. Louis skating in between everybody’s legs and all.

- Which speaking of, guys tend to be a whole lot better at hockey when they don’t have to continually pick pieces of graphite out of their gums.

- Mattias Ohlund and Victor Hedman have finally sorta figured out that assists only count on the score sheet when they are to the guys in the same jerseys as them.  

- Steve Downie and Steven Stamkos are actually pretty good at hockey when they’re not busy doing that annoying ‘diving every two seconds’ thing.

- Bruce Boudreau is reluctant to make any defensive adjustments to counter the Lightning’s 1-3-1 system because it just reminds him too much of his usual order at Burger King.

- I mean, let’s be honest here, goals that are called good on the ice, reviewed for several minutes, and determined legal just shouldn’t count.