Lightning New Year’s Resolutions

Dropping the ball and the Lightning: Going hand in hand since '92.

Well, 2012 is rapidly approaching, and it’s just about time to make a promise to yourself.  A promise that’s about as likely to be kept as the Lightning making the playoffs in any given year.  

As you ponder your resolution, you might also be pondering what your favorite Lightning player’s resolution may be.  Turns out you’re in luck.  I sent the DTV Investigation Team out to do some snooping, and they came up with a comprehensive list or Bolts resolutions.  

Vinny Lecavalier:  Selflessly promises to continue to give the bored Montreal media something to talk about, such as awesome goal celebrations like last night. 

Eric Brewer: Assures everyone that he will never, ever fight again.  Or so we hope. 

Dominic Moore: Resolves to never, ever take backhands in practice.  Or at least until he gets traded back to the Pittsburgh Penguins.  

Dwayne Roloson:  Promises to remember what exactly it is we were talking about.  

Steven Stamkos:  Resolves to with that fancy shampoo contract and all, make his hair look like it's actually been washed in the last 6 months. 

Steve Downie:  Resolves to change his name to Sidney Crosby.  Ya know, so that he could actually play some hockey and not be sent to the penalty box just because every three and a half minutes. 

Mattias Ohlund: Resolves to actually face the urinal whenever he has to pee, instead of having his back turned to it, causing a big mess and everyone to shake their head. 

Guy Boucher:  Promises to disclose ALL property, homes, cars, children, scars, etc.  Who wouldn't do that?

Marty St. Louis: Resolves to burn and torture the puck that hit him in the face in a fiery ritual reminiscent of a Native American sacrificial ceremony.  And by Marty St. Louis, I mean me.  

Victor Hedman: Had great intentions of making a very significant resolution that would make even his biggest skeptics proud, but waited too long and at the last minute had to give his resolution to someone else, disappointing everyone.  

Canadiens, Maple Leafs fans stoked to be in new conference with only five teams

Yes, clearly they care more about their team than we do.

After news broke last week that the NHL Board of Governers had approved the newest and most wild plan for realignment yet, it was received with varying degrees of excitement. 

Fans of teams such as the Detroit Red Wings and Columbus Blue Jackets applaud the restructured alignment as it eliminates lengthy and inconvenient trips to the west coast, and keeps the teams in their own time zones much more often.  

However, many fans were disappointed in a return to a format in which the teams making the playoffs – four from each conference – are highly predictable and likely to be the same for several years in a row without much shakeup.  

Not all fans, though.  In fact, Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs fans have fully embraced the new alignment.  The reason for such admiration being that their teams managed to strike gold in ending up the only conference to feature just five teams.  Loyal Canadiens fan Harry O’Toole had this to say:

“I absolutely love it.  Four of the five teams are going to make the playoffs, ya know, out of us, the Leafs, Ottawa, Buffalo and Boston.  Ottawa and Toronto are usually terrible, and if they don’t build a concrete wall around the crease in Buffalo, they’ll never do anything, so I LOVE our chances in this new setup.  We’ll be in the playoffs every year!”

Maple Leafs diehard, Richard Face:

“I love how the league trimmed the fat with this.  Depending on scheduling, we could spend weeks at a time in Canada, just like it [censored] should be.  If you ask me, ‘Conference C’ stands for ‘Conference Canada.’ “

Canadiens apologist, Amanda Blowe:

“It’s just great to be a conference with real, high quality teams that are right around the corner.  And Ottawa.”

Loyal, but cynical Maple Leafs season ticket holder, Dixon Hand:

“Well, in that format, we might actually make the playoffs once in a while, so I’m down.”

The Victor Hedman Contract: An Itemized List

"You mean in games we don't shoot on the same guy we do in practice?"

Well, with things not looking good for the Lightning, it’s time to get back to what we do best around here: making fun of them.  

Right now, the Lightning have lost five in a row, seven of ten, and are joyriding around the bottom of the conference.  We have no reliable goaltending right now, even less defense, and the secondary scoring of a shitty wingman.  Things are bad.

Or as longtime Lightning fan know it: Normal. 

So, what better way to attempt to match the level of humor on the ice than by taking a look at just exactly what we’re getting with my new favorite target’s new contract?  In case you missed it, he signed an extension for five-years, $20 million.  And according to several sources, his agent said he was willing to take as many years as the Lightning were willing to give.  And when you look at this list, you’ll understand why.  

- $10.00 per inch. 

- $2,000,000 per goal, apparently.  

- $0.50 per face palm.

- $0.25 per obscenity. 

- $2,000,000 per year to Mattias Ohlund for the worst, and yet, most expensive babysitting job in the history of the universe.  

- $1.00 per mind-bogglingly stupid neutral zone turnover.

- $5.00 per beautiful end-to-end rush that continues to provide false hope as the beauty comes crashing down like the Hindenburg with a shot that has a better chance of being on our own net than the opponent’s. 

- $500,000 per awkwardly adorable commercial where it’s easier to understand what ThunderBug is trying to say than him.

- $4,000,000 per dry hump.   

 

-  $20,000,000 per half-assed attempt at making a strip tease for Mattias Ohlund look like a hockey fight. 

And finally,

- $20,000,000 per Lightning team bowling outing.  

After Loss to Detroit, Steve Yzerman Says “Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead."

"I signed him for how long?"

With the Lightning having lost six of ten, sitting in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference, a season long inability to win on the road with four of the next five games away from Tampa, and the upsetting realization that we have five more years of continual face palming Victor Hedman turning the puck over and testing the durability of the glass high and wide of the opponent’s net, it doesn’t seem like things could get much worse for Lightning fans right now.  

They might have gotten worse.  

After last night’s 4-2 loss to the Detroit Red Wings – a game that was preceded by an emotional video tribute to Steve Yzerman in his first game back in Detroit – the Lightning GM has announced that he’ll “catch up with us later.”  Yzerman on the decision:

“Well, ya know, I forgot how great it is here in Detroit.  What with the fans, the winning, the tradition, the actual changing of the seasons.  The loss really sealed it, I was talking to the team about how we’re heading home and can right the ship, and that’s when it popped in my head: ‘Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead.  I’m just going to stay here.  I’ll catch up with you later.’  They seemed disappointed, but I think they’ll be all right.”

Yzerman was vague about just exactly when he might be returning to the team, but indicated it could be as soon December 17^th when the Bolts visit nearby Columbus to take on the Blue Jackets.  He added: “Because hell, if we can’t beat them, I don’t know that I’ll ever be back.”

Despite his reassurances of a return, many of the other Lightning personnel were disappointed in the decision.  Captain Vinny Lecavalier had this to say:

“Uh, well, uh, ya know.  Uh, he really likes it there in, um, Detroit.  Spent his whole uh, ya know, um career there I think.  Sooo, we’ll just uh, ya know, take it, um, one, uh, game at a time.  And try, um, to, ya know, uh, win him back.Or something.”

Coach Guy Boucher:

“That son of a bitch!  Well, pretty soon you guys will have a new scar to ask about.”

Injured defenseman Mattias Ohlund seemed to have quite a bit to say about the move, though none of it was picked up by reporters, as he was standing with his back turned to the media, speaking straight into his locker. 

Defenseman Victor Hedman:

“You mean to tell me I even turned over the GM to the other team?  Fuck.”

Star winger Marty St. Louis seemed to take the decision especially hard as, though he didn’t offer a comment, he was seen holding a noose and jumping furiously at the hanger clip in his locker.  Unsuccessfully.