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| "Why don't you have a party, Stamkos?" "A party? What for?" |
As the great Down Goes Brown has shown us over the years, NHL personalities can throw some pretty outrageous parties. It turns out the Lightning are no different. Despite a devastating soul-crushing season-ending pretty standard loss to a non-Conference opponent last night, the team took the time to help celebrate Steven Stamkos’ 22nd birthday last night. Of course, having gotten word of the party, I sent out the DTV Investigation Team to note some of the highlights of the party last night.
In Stamkos’ living room, Stamkos and Steve Downie are sitting on the couch having a beverage and watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Then there’s a knock on the door.
Stamkos: Hedman! What’s up man?
Hedman blurts right past Stamkos and up to Downie with a big wrapped box.
Hedman: Happy birthday, Downs!
Downie: Uh, dude, wrong guy.
Hedman: Shit! Again? Sorry, happy birthday, Steven.
Stamkos: No problem man, it ha….
Marty St. Louis: Hey dudes!
Stamkos: Dude, how’d you get in here? I didn’t hear the doorbell….
Marty: Doggy door.
All: Ohhhh.
At this point, Tom Pyatt shows up which wouldn’t be notable except for the fact that as he walks up to the porch, he sees Mattias Ohlund with his back turned to the door poking at thin air.
Pyatt: What are you doing, man?
Ohlund: What does it look like? I’m trying to get involved in the party. I’m ringing the doorbell, but no one is answering.
Pyatt: Christ. Come on.
Pyatt rings the doorbell, and the two of them are let in. Ohlund immediately walks over to Hedman, and the two of them begin doing shots of Svedka. Every other shot that Hedman takes however, misses his mouth and hits the wall above and to the right of him. Stamkos sees this and walks over.
Stamkos: Guys? Do you have to make a mess of everything?
Hedman and Ohlund: Skål!
Vinny Lecavalier, having been let in by Downie walks up wearing the exact same shirt as Stamkos.
Vinny Lecavalier: Hey guys.
Stamkos: Oh, hey man, uh… nice shirt.
Lecavalier: Um, yeah, you, uh, too.
At this point, several members of the team show up, as well as a few members from the NHL media. In one corner, Lecavalier and Stamkos are having a conversation, and Pierre McGuire walks up to the two of them.
McGuire: My goodness, Stammer, that really is a fantastic shirt you’ve got on. I mean, seriously, you’re the only guy on this Lightning team that could pull off that shirt. Maybe in the whole league.
Lecavalier: Fuck this. I’m out.
After a series of very quiet, widely spaced knocks at the door, Stamkos opens it to find Dwayne Roloson.
Stamkos: Dawyne, what the hell happened? The party started hours ago. You’re way late.
Roloson: I know. I’m sorry. I somehow ended up on the complete opposite side of town. Like totally on the wrong side of the tracks. It was weird. Mind if I come in?
Stamkos: Sure man. Drinks are in the kitchen.
Roloson makes his way through the door, and begins his trek to the kitchen. Stamkos stands in his doorway, admiring the chaos and starts to smile.
Brian Engblom: Steven!! Come away from there!! You just CAN’T be left alone like that. It just CAN’T happen.
Just then, there is some loud commotion as Dominic Moore tries to do a Jager bomb, chokes, and spills his drink all over Marty’s face. The glass breaks and a sliver flies up, and causes a v-shaped gash on Guy Boucher’s left cheek.
All: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.
Stamkos: What a disaster.
Roloson, having finally made it to the kitchen, slips on the spilled drink, falls, and breaks his hip. With Dwayne Roloson, Marty St. Louis, and Guy Boucher all in desperate need of some help, Victor Hedman runs out of the kitchen, tackles Teddy Purcell and begins giving him CPR.
Downie: DUDE!! WRONG GUY!!!
Stamkos: What a freaking disaster.
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