As I mentioned yesterday, it’s that time for everyone on the planet to make asinine predictions that everyone can look back on and laugh. Yesterday, I did that with the West.
Today, I’ll do it with the East. And even pretend I didn’t watch that glorious, beautiful, choke job the first game of the Penguins-Flyers series. Without further adieu…
1: New York Rangers – 8: Ottawa Senators
Offense
New York: Have four productive lines capable of scoring at any time.
Ottawa: Have four lines.
Advantage: Rangers.
Defense
New York: Have a group of defensemen so versatile that they’re sometimes asked to take faceoffs.
Ottawa: Have two defensemen that used to play for the Lightning.
Advantage: Rangers.
Goaltending
New York: Have one of the best goalies in the league that, despite a rough stretch of late, has looked good for the majority of the games he’s played this season.
Ottawa: Have several goalies that looked good for the majority of at least one game they played in this season.
Advantage: Rangers.
Prediction: Ottawa manages a game three win, when after the game two press conference, Rangers coach John Tortorella stubs his toe on his desk and exclaims “Ow! Damnit!” and is suspended by the League. Rangers take the series though, 4-1.
2: Boston Bruins – 7: Washington Capitals
Offense
Boston: Have been forced to shut Nathan Horton down for the playoffs due to a concussion, which will force Milan Lucic to play more minutes in order to reach the team’s strictly enforced quota of douchey penalties.
Washington: Have several speedy forwards that like to zoom past the benches through the neutral zone, which means none of them are likely to survive.
Advantage: Push.
Defense
Boston: Have the Norris Candidate Zdeno Chara on their blueline, which may turn out to be a bad thing when all of the Capitals “pitchfork” dump-ins hit him in the face.
Washington: lol.
Advantage: Boston.
Goaltending
Boston: Have no starting goaltenders willing to step foot in Washington.
Washington: Have no starting goaltenders.
Advantage: Push.
Prediction: Zdeno Chara has the easiest series of his career, as he systematically takes out all of the midget goalies the Capitals are forced to dress with one shot. Boston in four.
3: Florida Panthers – 6: New Jersey Devils
Offense
Florida: Had the fewest goals of any division winner in the league with just 203 all season.
New Jersey: Ilya Kovalchuk has scored 203 goals in one game, or so his paycheck would lead you to believe.
Advantage: New Jersey.
Defense
Florida: Have the benefit of being led by Ed Jovanovski who, between Phoenix and Florida, knows how to skate on water.
New Jersey: Have the benefit of playing in front of Martin Brodeur. Because volunteering to help the elderly looks great on their resumes.
Advantage: Push.
Goaltending
Florida: Have a two goalie tandem system that keeps both guys fresh and ready to go at any time.
New Jersey: Have the winningest goalie of all-time, blah blah blah blah blah. Mutters Johan Hedberg, rolling his eyes.
Advantage: New Jersey.
Prediction: The Devils have a tough time getting on the same page in terms of chemistry as Brodeur continues to skip the team meal in order to catch the early bird special at Denny’s. Florida in seven.
4: Pittsburgh Penguins – 5: Philadelphia Flyers
Offense
Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game. Like of all time. Ever. He’s the best.
Philadelphia: Traded away everyone on their team capable of scoring a goal in order to sign a team philosopher/goalie.
Advantage: Pittsburgh.
Defense
Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game. Like of all time. Ever. No seriously, we’ve got to keep talking about it. He’s really good.
Philadelphia: Have Andrej Meszaros.
Advantage: Pittsburgh.
Goaltending
Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game. Like of all time. Ever. Do you hear me? He’s fucking incredible. Best ever. What's that? You're sick of hearing about him? Tough shit.
Philadelphia: Due to a sub par offense, will need a goalie to come up humongous big for them to have a chance.
Advantage: Pittsburgh.
Prediction: Listen dude, there’s no way the Penguins will lose this series with him in their lineup. Hell, they won’t even lose a single game!
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