The DTV Boner of the Week Award: Ilya Kovalchuk

The DTV Boner of the Week Award will be a weekly feature highlighting the dumbest, most comical play of the week and the wreckage that ensues after it.  Basically, it’s something to get me freaking writing each week again.  It’ll appear on Mondays or Tuesdays (and apparently Wednesdays) throughout the regular season and the playoffs. Enjoy.  

Well, while the playoffs have not gotten anything close to dull, the players are playing as if every little mistake could cost them.  Don’t know why they would do that…

But at any rate, the general boner level has significantly gone down.  The good news however, is that it hasn’t completely vanished.  

Pretty bonerlicious, eh? 

Right off the bat, Kovalchuk tries to keep the puck in the zone with his head, looking just like, well…

I don’t even want to get too far into this, but I mean, he just thrusts himself forward.

Which, is it just me, or does that puck seem to just stay in the air for like 30 seconds?  And that, of course, is just the right amount of time for this feature.  Which all seems to…

Just tickle the absolute hell out of Pierre.

He starts with this kind of creepy amateur-comedian-laughing-at-his-own-joke sort of high pitched giggle, which then in way too short of an amount of time seems to turn into a deeper, awkward uncle type laugh.  And just when everyone is about to turn the game off…

David Clarkson skates by with one of the greatest faces a player has made in this year’s playoffs.

And he’s so confused in fact, that he evidently asks “what was that” to no one in particular.  Either that or he’s asking for a tip. 

And as per the norm with NBC’s coverage this year, instead of showing fans what they really want and following Clarkson is his journey to discover what happened, they pan to a replay of the header with a Pierre McGuire monologue.  Which would be thoroughly disappointing, except for the fact that…

During the replay, it shows the linesman do his best impression of the Freddie Mercury meme. 

Which is awesome.  And almost makes everything okay, except that…

Pierre McGuire really, really thought it was great and is pissed off that Kenny Albert won’t acknowledge it. 

P: “That’s pretty good creativity, Kenny!”

K: “The Red Bulls, the professional soccer team in the area play about five minutes away.”

P: (dejectedly) “Yes they do…….”

Boy, it’s sure been a good couple of months for hockey personalities and feigned exuberance, hasn’t it? 

And by the way, leave it to New Jersey to name a team after an energy drink.  I’m sure that trademark nightmare doesn’t add to the city’s strained sports finances at all.  

At any rate, there you have it, Devils fans.   Not only did you get to the Eastern Conference Finals, you have a nice shiny piece of hardware to go with it.  

And I don’t normally do this, but I’m going to go ahead and give a second award to Kenny Albert for doing what we’ve all wanted to do for years now in completely ignoring the point that Pierre McGuire was trying to shove down his throat.  So, kudos and congrats Kenny.  Not that you’re listening. 

A huge thanks to ClareAustin who will be scouring days hours of video clips to come up with the DTV Boner of the Week.