The DTV Boner of the Week Award: Rich Peverley

The DTV Boner of the Week Award will be a weekly feature highlighting the dumbest, most comical play of the week and the wreckage that ensues after it.  Basically, it’s something to get me freaking writing each week again.  It’ll appear on Mondays or Tuesdays throughout the regular season and the playoffs. Enjoy.  

We’re back after a one-week hiatus.  And boy, let me tell you, there were lots of candidates this week.  But, top to bottom, there was one situation that was truly more bonerish than the rest: Rich Peverley, and his tough guy act on Washington Capitals rookie goalie Braden Holtby.  

There’s a lot to get to here.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Doc Emrick LOVES the Boston Bruins.  

You know a sequence is going to be bonerific when less than two seconds in, we’ve got someone being an idiot, and it’s not even the award winner.  

Nope, it’s good ole Doc, and his inability to contain his boner for the Boston Bruins.  Unable to contain his excitement for anything that could be mildly construed as positive for the B’s, Emrick screams “SHOT!!!” lustily as Dennis Seidenberg fires the puck.  Even though the puck goes so far wide that it isn’t even in the picture and rattles around the boards and nearly out of the zone, completely killing any offensive pressure the Bruins had. 

   

Now, if you’re a regular to these parts, then NBC’s uncontrollable hard on for the Bruins is nothing new, but while that is going on and Emrick is giving us a brief synopsis of what went down behind the play, it pans over to…

Peverley, who is in complete disbelief and also looks to have just ran the Boston Marathon in about 15 minutes.  

I mean, seriously dude.  I’ve seen guys take 10 minute shifts at drop-in that aren’t that out of breath.  What exactly is it you think you did?  You camped in front of the net for 25 seconds and took a couple of shoves.  Oh, and that check swing you took.  

It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t play baseball then.  If he was ever asked to lay down a sacrifice bunt, it would almost surely be a double play, because Peverley would be far too winded to run the bases.  Take note, Red Sox.  

But then, just when you think we’re finally going to see what went on behind the play…

Eddie Olczyk takes the boner thing to a whole new level, and breaks it down as if he’s doing play by play for a porno.  

“Peverley was getting it from all sides.  First he was getting it from John Carlsson, and then he was getting it from Braden Holtby, and then he was getting it from Peter North…..”

And then to make matters even worse, the first thing it shows is Peverley doing something on his knees from behind Holtby.  

Good lord.  

And just when everyone is almost completely creeped out…

We finally see just what the hell happened.

After a couple love taps from Carlsson and Holtby, the latter of which inexplicably knocks him down, Peverley takes a two-handed swing at Holtby, only to bring it up short.  To which Holtby reacts like any NHL goaltender with 50 pounds of padding on would…

By doing absolutely nothing. 

Holtby just stands there, and presumably gives him the same spiel as the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  “I move.  For no man.”

And, even though he just put on his big tough guy costume, Peverley is apparently scared shitless by Holtby muttering this, because…

Despite being more out of breath than a fat kid at recess, Peverley skates faster than he has all shift to get away from Holtby and back to his security blanket on the bench.  

For real.  Had he entered that time into the NHL Skills Competition, he would’ve won the fastest skater award by a mile.  

And all that would be embarrassing enough, except that then…

Doc Emrick calls him out.  

You read that right.  Friendly, loveable, impartial Mike Emrick called him out. 

   

“He got to the bench pretty fast, didn’t he.”

Now, NBC Sports has its moments, that’s for sure.  But even the reddest haired stepchildren of teams in the NHL get marginally benefit-of-the-doubt-ish coverage.  

You know you’ve really pulled some ridiculous shit when Doc Emrick calls you out.  WHEN YOU PLAY FOR THE BOSTON BRUINS.  

So there you have it, Bruins fans.  The dream of back-to-back Cups is over, but at least one of your guys will win some hardware this season.  

A huge thanks to ClareAustin who will be scouring days hours of video clips to come up with the DTV Boner of the Week.