Predicting the Second Round in the East

Reminds me of NHL '96. I've been told that was Marty Brodeur's retirement gift.

The Conference Semifinals get underway today in the Eastern Conference, so it's time for some prognostications. 

Now, while I did pretty well in the first round in the West, I only got 50% right in the East.  Unless of course you thought I was serious about the Penguins winning, in which case you're a complete idiot and I never want you to read my blog ever again. 

At any rate, let's take a look at what's in store for this round in the East, shall we?

1: New York Rangers – 7: Washington Capitals

Offense

New York: Provide some of the most offensive footage in the playoffs.  That is, if you’re watching Larry Brooks interview John Tortorella. 

Washington: Have a pissed off Alex Ovechkin, which means their third line should really come out attacking. 

Advantage: Washington.

Defense

New York: Block more shots than any team left in the playoffs.  Which is a damn shame, because if they let Torts take a couple, he might chill the hell out. 

Washington: Are finally buying in to the defense-first mindset that was first instilled by former scapegoat coach Bruce Boudreau. 

Advantage: Washington.  

Goaltending

New York: Have the Vezina front runner and Hart finalist in Henrik Lundqvist who seems to be buying in to absolutely everything his coach does, including offering helpful tips for the officials during interviews.  Which everyone knows always helps get you a call or two. 

Washington: Have put their faith in a rookie goalie, which is such a great story, blah blah blah blah, murmur the Philadelphia Flyers under their breath. 

Advantage: New York.

Coaching

New York: Has an experienced coach that never gives away team concepts or strategies by only ever offering the media a friendly hello during interviews.

Washington: Has a coach that really likes to bring it when the other team is least expecting it. 

Advantage: Push.  

Intangibles

New York: Will be focused and free of any first round hangover, seeing as their celebration ended before most players even got out of the shower.

Washington: Have the benefit of having everyone on their side since we now don’t have to hear about Boston anymore.  

Advantage: Push. 

Prediction: Listen, you fucking asshole, the Rangers are going to win.  Got it, shitwagon?  Says John Tortorella, standing right behind me.  

5: Philadelphia Flyers – 6: New Jersey Devils

Offense

Philadelphia: Have the hottest player in the game right now in playoff point leader, Claude Giroux.  He has an unbelievable statline of 6G, 8A, 14P, and +6 through six games.  But, Sidney Crosby at 3G, 5A, 8P, and -3 is clearly much better, bemoans the NHL and NBC.

New Jersey: Have the highest paid forward in the league, which judging by his contract length is only about 22, so he should be full of energy, despite having played a seven game series in the first round. 

Advantage: New Jersey.

Defense

Philadelphia: Andrej Meszaros is evidently among the top six defensemen in their system, so obviously, they’re terrible. 

New Jersey: Don’t have any “Cowboys” era former Lightning players. 

Advantage: New Jersey.  

Goaltending

Philadelphia: Look, he’s pretty much a nutcase. 

New Jersey: Look, he’s pretty much a casketcase.  #SeeWhatIDidThere

Advantage: Push. 

Coaching

Philadelphia: Have a coach who put all his time and energy into humiliating the Penguins (God bless him), and may be a little spent this round.

New Jersey: Have a coach who put all his time and energy into humiliating his former team, which didn’t exactly go as planned, and may be a little spent this round.

Advantage: Push.

Intangibles

Philadelphia: Certainly won’t encounter any travel fatigue this series. 

New Jersey: Certainly won’t encounter any travel fatigue this series.

Advantage: Push. 

Prediction: Ilya Bryzgalov notices that his leg pads are the same color as outer space, which causes him to begin pondering the universe again, which gives him a renewed confidence.  Flyers in 5. Although, it will be difficult to tell if this prediction is correct, as all of the broadcasts will just be a bunch of highlights from the Penguins in the first round. 

Predicting the Second Round in the West

This logo might be the only thing worse than Kevin Klein's haircut. 

The first round is over, half the teams are golfing, and the others licking their wounds awaiting their next victims.  And for places like this, it’s time to review our first round predictions, and make some more.  

 

Huh, yeah, you’re right, I did pretty much nail it right on the head.  Even the Roberto Luongo thing.  Which is another story all together that we’ll get to eventually around here.  

At any rate, let’s get down to the Conference Semifinals, yeah?

2: St. Louis Blues – 8: Los Angeles Kings

Offense

St. Louis: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in quintuple overtime. 

Los Angeles: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in sextuple overtime. 

Advantage: Push.

Defense

St. Louis: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in quintuple overtime. 

Los Angeles: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in sextuple overtime. 

Advantage: Push.

Goaltending

St. Louis: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in quintuple overtime. 

Los Angeles: Let’s be honest, this has a chance to be the first series in the history of hockey to go seven games, all of which are 1-0 finals in sextuple overtime. 

Advantage: Push.

Coaching

St. Louis: Ken Hitchcock is a bigger guy, who you wouldn’t expect to make such a good hockey coach.

Los Angeles: Darryl Sutter looks kind of like your lit up, alcoholic uncle.  Kind of talks like him too.  And you wouldn’t expect your uncle to make such a good hockey coach.

Advantage: Push.

Intangibles:

St. Louis: Has a passionate fan base that has grown considerably with the “Cinderella” story that’s unfolded since Hitchcock took over as coach. 

Los Angeles: Established a continent-wide fan base just as soon as they knocked the Canucks out of the playoffs. 

Advantage: Los Angeles.

Prediction: After NBC is forced to show twelve straight hours of hockey, none of which involves the Capitals, Flyers, or Rangers, the series is cancelled at the conclusion of game 1.  Blues move on.  

3: Phoenix Coyotes – 4: Nashville Predators

Offense

Phoenix: Has about as much offense as it does potential buyers.

Nashville: Has an offense, presumably, given that they’ve gotten this far.

Advantage: Push. 

Defense

Phoenix: Have a relatively unknown, but solid group of defensemen.

Nashville: Have Kevin Klein’s haircut.

Advantage: Nashville.

Goaltending

Phoenix: Have Napoleon Dynamite in net.

Nashville: Have the Jolly Green Giant in net.

Advantage: Push.

Coaching

Phoenix: Have a respected, quiet coach that has coached his entire career in Western Conference.

Nashville: Have respected, quiet coach that has coached his entire career in Nashville. 

Advantage: Push. 

Intangibles

Phoenix: Are missing a player due to a lengthy suspension on a flagrant violation of the rules.

Nashville: Apparently, will never have a player missing due to a lengthy suspension because of a flagrant violation of the rules.

Advantage: Nashville.

Prediction: Mike Smith remembers that he’s Mike Smith and comes crashing back down to Earth.  But, Pekka Rinne actually stands up, causing the arena rafters to come crashing down to Earth, forcing the rest of the series to be played outdoors.  Phoenix in 7. 

The DTV Boner of the Week Award: The Officiating Crew in New York

The DTV Boner of the Week Award will be a weekly feature highlighting the dumbest, most comical play of the week and the wreckage that ensues after it.  Basically, it’s something to get me freaking writing each week again.  It’ll appear on Mondays or Tuesdays throughout the regular season and the playoffs. Enjoy.  

In all reality, I could make everyone involved in the NHL Playoffs the boners of the week this week, I really could.  

But, there were four individuals who really stood out in terms of bonerism this week: The officiating crew for Game Two of the Rangers-Senators series.  I don’t even know where to begin here, oh, yes I do.  About three minutes into the first period, Matt Carkner attacks Brian Boyle.

Which doesn’t seem to bother any one of the officials. 

You’ll notice that Ian Walsh – Referee # 29 – just stands there as Carkner pummels Brian Boyle, who clearly has no interest in fighting.  In fact, he’s standing there like the guards at Swamp Castle in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  *Innocently* “Hey..”

Which, speaking of Brian Boyle, is he trying to win a retirement job as the next model for the Three Muskateers bar?  

At this point with all hell breaking loose, Walsh decides to go for a little joy ride, before taking a break to trade soup recipes with fellow referee Stephen Walkom.  

And that leaves the linesmen to jump in. 

As Carkner gets to the point where he starts to dig Boyle’s grave, the linesmen finally enter the picture, but not before Brandon Dubinsky can get there first.  

This laziness causes Walsh and Walkom to call Dubinsky for Third Man In, ending his night.  And that would be bad enough, but then…

Walsh and Walkom don’t even go tell him. 

No, Ian and Stephen sheepishly send over a linesman to inform Dubinsky that his evening is over.  Brave souls, those NHL referees.  

Dubinsky is beyond pissed – rightfully so – which leads to…

A Gatorade cooler to be needlessly murdered at the hands of Dubinsky.

So, perhaps feeling guilty, Walsh finally decides to do something, and strolls over to give John Tortorella the bad news.  Maybe he’s braver than I first assumed.  

Now, all of that is embarrassing enough, but then, inexplicably, something even dumber happens. 

The teams end up playing with two different pucks.

In another beautiful instance of being nowhere near where they should’ve been, none of the officials seem to notice an extra puck on, oh, I don’t know, one of the two most important places on the ice: THE NET.  

And of course, the puck ‘in play’ ends up right next to the ‘extra.’  After the pucks bounce around, switch places, and then switch places again, one of them is fired down the ice, at which point…

Walkom blows the play dead. 

And, despite never getting close enough to see that there were two pucks in the first place, determines that the puck that was iced was the correct one.  

So, there you go fans of NHL officials.  There may not be a Kerry Fraser Trophy for Official of the Year, but at least you’ll know these four have some hardware on their shelves. 

Predicting the First Round in the East

As I mentioned yesterday, it’s that time for everyone on the planet to make asinine predictions that everyone can look back on and laugh.  Yesterday, I did that with the West. 

Today, I’ll do it with the East.  And even pretend I didn’t watch that glorious, beautiful, choke job the first game of the Penguins-Flyers series.  Without further adieu… 

1: New York Rangers – 8: Ottawa Senators

Offense

New York: Have four productive lines capable of scoring at any time. 

Ottawa: Have four lines. 

Advantage: Rangers.

Defense

New York: Have a group of defensemen so versatile that they’re sometimes asked to take faceoffs.

Ottawa: Have two defensemen that used to play for the Lightning. 

Advantage: Rangers. 

Goaltending

New York: Have one of the best goalies in the league that, despite a rough stretch of late, has looked good for the majority of the games he’s played this season. 

Ottawa: Have several goalies that looked good for the majority of at least one game they played in this season. 

Advantage: Rangers.

Prediction: Ottawa manages a game three win, when after the game two press conference, Rangers coach John Tortorella stubs his toe on his desk and exclaims “Ow! Damnit!” and is suspended by the League.  Rangers take the series though, 4-1.

2: Boston Bruins – 7: Washington Capitals

Offense

Boston: Have been forced to shut Nathan Horton down for the playoffs due to a concussion, which will force Milan Lucic to play more minutes in order to reach the team’s strictly enforced quota of douchey penalties.

Washington: Have several speedy forwards that like to zoom past the benches through the neutral zone, which means none of them are likely to survive. 

Advantage: Push. 

Defense

Boston: Have the Norris Candidate Zdeno Chara on their blueline, which may turn out to be a bad thing when all of the Capitals “pitchfork” dump-ins hit him in the face. 

Washington: lol.

Advantage: Boston.

Goaltending

Boston: Have no starting goaltenders willing to step foot in Washington. 

Washington: Have no starting goaltenders.

Advantage: Push.

Prediction: Zdeno Chara has the easiest series of his career, as he systematically takes out all of the midget goalies the Capitals are forced to dress with one shot.  Boston in four.  

3: Florida Panthers – 6: New Jersey Devils

Offense

Florida: Had the fewest goals of any division winner in the league with just 203 all season. 

New Jersey: Ilya Kovalchuk has scored 203 goals in one game, or so his paycheck would lead you to believe.

Advantage: New Jersey.

Defense

Florida: Have the benefit of being led by Ed Jovanovski who, between Phoenix and Florida, knows how to skate on water. 

New Jersey: Have the benefit of playing in front of Martin Brodeur.  Because volunteering to help the elderly looks great on their resumes.

Advantage: Push. 

Goaltending

Florida: Have a two goalie tandem system that keeps both guys fresh and ready to go at any time.

New Jersey: Have the winningest goalie of all-time, blah blah blah blah blah.  Mutters Johan Hedberg, rolling his eyes. 

Advantage: New Jersey.

Prediction: The Devils have a tough time getting on the same page in terms of chemistry as Brodeur continues to skip the team meal in order to catch the early bird special at Denny’s.  Florida in seven. 

4: Pittsburgh Penguins – 5: Philadelphia Flyers

Offense

Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game.  Like of all time.  Ever.  He’s the best. 

Philadelphia: Traded away everyone on their team capable of scoring a goal in order to sign a team philosopher/goalie. 

Advantage: Pittsburgh. 

Defense

Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game.  Like of all time.  Ever.  No seriously, we’ve got to keep talking about it.  He’s really good. 

Philadelphia: Have Andrej Meszaros. 

Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Goaltending

Pittsburgh: Have the most interesting, awesome, most important player to ever play the game.  Like of all time.  Ever.  Do you hear me?  He’s fucking incredible.  Best ever. What's that? You're sick of hearing about him?  Tough shit. 

Philadelphia: Due to a sub par offense, will need a goalie to come up humongous big for them to have a chance. 

Advantage: Pittsburgh.

Prediction: Listen dude, there’s no way the Penguins will lose this series with him in their lineup.  Hell, they won’t even lose a single game!