Well, this post comes
to you a day late (and yesterday’s did too) because someone is a dumbass and
didn’t bother to look at the schedule.My b.
As was mentioned yesterday, I got my predictions half right last round.Let’s see if we can nail
it this round, eh?
1: New York Rangers –
6: New Jersey Devils
Offense
New York: Are
looking to become the first team in NHL history to block a shot that then
scores on the opponent, one can only assume.
New Jersey: Are
beginning to wonder if spending their entire salary cap on two forwards may
have something to do with their increase in being shutout this season.
Advantage: Rangers.
Defense
New York: Are
looking to become the first team in NHL history to block a shot that then
scores on the opponent, one can only assume.
New Jersey: Are
beginning to wonder if spending their entire salary cap on two forwards may
have something to do with the increase in goals being scored on them this
season.
Advantage: Push.
Goaltending
New York: Have a
goalie that goes by the nickname “King Henrik” in the sense that he owns
everything he sees.
New Jersey: Have
a goalie that goes by the nickname “King Martin” in the sense that he’s older
than everything he sees.
Advantage: Rangers.
Coaching
New York: No
update.
New Jersey: Have
a coach that looks strangely like Kevin Spacey, which can’t hurt.
Advantage: Devils.
Intangibles
New York: Has
everyone rooting against them since, even though everyone agrees John
Tortorella is a great coach, the Rangers really shouldn’t have been the first
team in the entire history of organized sport to hire a coach that doesn’t like
dealing with the media.
New Jersey: Have some
extremely well rounded athletes, one of which may bring back the trend of the
two-sport professional athlete by playing soccer.
Advantage: Devils.
Prediction: A
bitter member of the media finally snaps and takes Torts out, providing the
final spark of inspiration the Rangers need to get to the Stanley Cup.Rangers in 5.
Well, this post comes
to you a day late (and tomorrow’s will too) because someone is a dumbass and
didn’t bother to look at the schedule.My b.
Why no, I was always awesome and deserve no criticism whatsoever.
Well, things are down the final four now, and there
certainly have been some surprises along the way.Last round, I got it half right, all across the board, which is fitting because that closely resembles the Lightning’s team
Goals Against Average this season.
At any rate, let’s get down to brass tacks, yeah?
3: Phoenix Coyotes –
8: Los Angeles Kings
Offense
Phoenix: Have an
offense that’s really starting to heat up, because let’s be honest; everything
in Phoenix is this time of year.
Los Angeles: Jeff
Carter is finally starting to pick up the pace and pull his weight.Either that, or all that bleach is finally
starting to wear off his hair and not weighing him down as much.
Advantage: Kings.
Defense
Phoenix: Have a
defense that likes to get involved in the offense, take risks, and evidently
take the phrase “It’s never a bad play to put the puck on net” very seriously.
Los Angeles: Have
Drew Doughty.And also, Drew
Doughty.And don’t forget, they have
Drew Doughty.
Advantage: Doughty.
Goaltending
Phoenix: Mike
Smith is able to fire the puck pretty much anywhere he wants with extreme
accuracy from behind the red line.
Los Angeles: Which,
apparently, should scare the hell out of Jonathan Quick.
Advantage: Phoenix.
Coaching
Phoenix: Have a
chick in the crowd right behind their bench during home games that would make any
guy nervous.Also, 100% of guys that
read this will get this joke.
Los Angeles: Last
round, some guy named Suter didn’t have too good of a time against the
Coyotes.We’ll see if the extra ‘t’ puts
him over the edge.
Advantage: Los Angeles.
Intangibles
Phoenix: No
longer have a messy ownership situation hanging over their heads.
Los Angeles: Never
had a messy ownership situation, given that Drew Doughty has owned the team
since like September.
Advantage: Push.
Prediction: This
series never comes to an end, as in the second period of game three, the
linesmen just start kicking people out of the faceoff dot and never stop.Including themselves, Pierre McGuire, the fans,
and the concessions people, and the league is forced to cancel the Stanley
Cup.
The DTV Boner of the
Week Award will be a weekly feature highlighting the dumbest, most comical play
of the week and the wreckage that ensues after it.Basically, it’s something to get me freaking
writing each week again.It’ll appear on
Mondays or Tuesdays (and apparently Wednesdays) throughout the regular season
and the playoffs. Enjoy.
Well, while the playoffs have not gotten anything close to
dull, the players are playing as if every little mistake could cost them.Don’t know why they would do that…
But at any rate, the general boner level has significantly
gone down.The good news however, is
that it hasn’t completely vanished.
Pretty bonerlicious, eh?
Right off the bat,
Kovalchuk tries to keep the puck in the zone with his head, looking just like,
well…
I don’t even want to get too far into this, but I mean, he
just thrusts himself forward.
Which, is it just me, or does that puck seem to just stay in
the air for like 30 seconds?And that, of
course, is just the right amount of time for this feature.Which all seems to…
Just tickle the
absolute hell out of Pierre.
He starts with this kind of creepy
amateur-comedian-laughing-at-his-own-joke sort of high pitched giggle, which
then in way too short of an amount of time seems to turn into a deeper, awkward
uncle type laugh.And just when everyone
is about to turn the game off…
David Clarkson skates
by with one of the greatest faces a player has made in this year’s playoffs.
And he’s so confused in fact, that he evidently asks “what
was that” to no one in particular.Either that or he’s asking for a tip.
And as per the norm with NBC’s coverage this year, instead of
showing fans what they really want and following Clarkson is his journey to
discover what happened, they pan to a replay of the header with a Pierre
McGuire monologue.Which would be thoroughly
disappointing, except for the fact that…
During the replay, it
shows the linesman do his best impression of the Freddie Mercury meme.
Which is awesome.And
almost makes everything okay, except that…
Pierre McGuire really,
really thought it was great and is pissed off that Kenny Albert won’t
acknowledge it.
P: “That’s pretty
good creativity, Kenny!”
K: “The Red
Bulls, the professional soccer team in the area play about five minutes away.”
And by the way, leave it to New Jersey to name a team after
an energy drink.I’m sure that trademark
nightmare doesn’t add to the city’s strained sports finances at all.
At any rate, there you have it, Devils fans.Not only did you get to the Eastern
Conference Finals, you have a nice shiny piece of hardware to go with it.
And I don’t normally do this, but I’m going to go ahead and
give a second award to Kenny Albert for doing what we’ve all wanted to do for
years now in completely ignoring the point that Pierre McGuire was trying to
shove down his throat.So, kudos and
congrats Kenny.Not that you’re listening.
A huge
thanks to ClareAustin
who will be scouring days hours of video clips to come up with the DTV
Boner of the Week.
The DTV Boner of the
Week Award will be a weekly feature highlighting the dumbest, most comical play
of the week and the wreckage that ensues after it.Basically, it’s something to get me freaking
writing each week again.It’ll appear on
Mondays or Tuesdays throughout the regular season and the playoffs. Enjoy.
We’re back after a one-week hiatus.And boy, let me tell you, there were lots of
candidates this week.But, top to
bottom, there was one situation that was truly more bonerish than the rest:
Rich Peverley, and his tough guy act on Washington Capitals rookie goalie
Braden Holtby.
There’s a lot to get to here.Let’s begin, shall we?
Doc Emrick LOVES the
Boston Bruins.
You know a sequence is going to be bonerific when less than
two seconds in, we’ve got someone being an idiot, and it’s not even the award
winner.
Nope, it’s good ole Doc, and his inability to contain his
boner for the Boston Bruins.Unable to
contain his excitement for anything that could be mildly construed as positive
for the B’s, Emrick screams “SHOT!!!” lustily as Dennis Seidenberg fires the
puck.Even though the puck goes so far
wide that it isn’t even in the picture and rattles around the boards and nearly
out of the zone, completely killing any offensive pressure the Bruins had.
Now, if you’re a regular to these parts, then NBC’s
uncontrollable hard on for the Bruins is nothing new, but while that is going
on and Emrick is giving us a brief synopsis of what went down behind the play,
it pans over to…
Peverley, who is in
complete disbelief and also looks to have just ran the Boston Marathon in about
15 minutes.
I mean, seriously dude.I’ve seen guys take 10 minute shifts at drop-in that aren’t that out of
breath.What exactly is it you think you
did?You camped in front of the net for
25 seconds and took a couple of shoves.Oh, and that check swing you took.
It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t play baseball
then.If he was ever asked to lay down a
sacrifice bunt, it would almost surely be a double play, because Peverley would
be far too winded to run the bases.Take
note, Red Sox.
But then, just when you think we’re finally going to see
what went on behind the play…
Eddie Olczyk takes
the boner thing to a whole new level, and breaks it down as if he’s doing play by
play for a porno.
“Peverley was getting it from all sides.First he was getting it from John Carlsson,
and then he was getting it from Braden Holtby, and then he was getting it from
Peter North…..”
And then to make matters even worse, the first thing it
shows is Peverley doing something on his knees from behind Holtby.
Good lord.
And just when everyone is almost completely creeped out…
We finally see just
what the hell happened.
After a couple love taps from Carlsson and Holtby, the
latter of which inexplicably knocks him down, Peverley takes a two-handed swing
at Holtby, only to bring it up short.To
which Holtby reacts like any NHL goaltender with 50 pounds of padding on would…
By doing absolutely
nothing.
Holtby just stands there, and presumably gives him the same
spiel as the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.“I move.For no man.”
And, even though he just put on his big tough guy costume,
Peverley is apparently scared shitless by Holtby muttering this, because…
Despite being more
out of breath than a fat kid at recess, Peverley skates faster than he has all
shift to get away from Holtby and back to his security blanket on the
bench.
For real.Had he
entered that time into the NHL Skills Competition, he would’ve won the fastest
skater award by a mile.
And all that would be embarrassing enough, except that then…
Doc Emrick calls him
out.
You read that right. Friendly, loveable, impartial Mike Emrick called him out.
“He got to the bench pretty fast, didn’t he.”
Now, NBC Sports has its moments, that’s for sure.But even the reddest haired stepchildren of
teams in the NHL get marginally benefit-of-the-doubt-ish coverage.
You know you’ve really pulled some ridiculous shit when Doc
Emrick calls you out.WHEN YOU PLAY FOR
THE BOSTON BRUINS.
So there you have it, Bruins fans.The dream of back-to-back Cups is over, but at
least one of your guys will win some hardware this season.
A huge
thanks to ClareAustin
who will be scouring days hours of video clips to come up with the DTV
Boner of the Week.
