Don't Trade Vinny

The Lightning as Super Mario World

2012-01-23T14:34:00.000-06:00

Well, the Lightning are turning in another season of thoroughly disappointing hockey that has seen them write the book on shotty defense and goaltending, amass a terrible record, and plummet to the Conference cellar. All of which are long-standing traditions of the Bolts, dating back to the early 90’s.

Speaking of the early 90’s, it seems that the Lightning have a lot of similarities to Super Mario World. They both have long-tenured heroes, long-tenured villains, were started by some weird Asian dude that no one is sure really exists, and they both have the ability to drive you absolutely fucking insane, no matter what version you’re dealing with.

Beyond that, it turns out they both have some characters that are similar too.

Super Mario: Steven Stamkos

The first thing anyone thinks of when you mention Super Mario is Mario. The first thing anyone thinks of when you mention the Lightning is Steven Stamkos.

Luigi: Vinny Lecavalier

Even though he can do everything just as well as Mario, no one ever wants to be Luigi.

Goombas: Oren Koules and Len Barrie

Stumbling around, slowing everyone else down, stepping on each other, and not really accomplishing a damn thing.

Bowser: Rick Tocchet

The evil arch nemesis of all Lightning fans, and reason to be bitter for years. And they both look ridiculous.

Lakitu: Dominic Moore

Just kind of throws things anywhere, not really caring where it goes, or who it hits in the face.

Princess Toadstool: Eric Brewer

Seem pretty awesome the first time you encounter them, but then they quickly lose their charm when they keep making the same mistake every freaking time you turn on the game.

Dry Bones: Dwayne Roloson

Slow, brittle, old, and usually nowhere close to where he should be.

Koopas: The Lightning defense

Not all that bright, easy to get around, and generally only move in one direction.

The Big Boo: Steve Downie

Likes to come at you when you aren’t looking.

Yoshi: Marty St. Louis

Capable of the most unbelievable of feats, cute, and known for long streaks of carrying the entire team on his back, Marty is Yoshi. Besides, after that stick to the face in the series against Pittsburgh last season, it’s obvious that he can eat damn near anything.

Mattias Ohlund

Mattias Ohlund isn’t actually a character from the game, but plays the role of that annoying cousin you’re forced to play with who dies on the same part of the same damn level every damn time you play, and usually because a koopa shell comes out of nowhere with his back turned and hits him squarely in the ass.

If any of the original pictures belong to you, and you want me to take them down just email me, don't be a dick.

Happy Belated Birthday... to myself

2012-01-12T15:08:00.000-06:00

Blowing. We've seen a lot of that this season.

Well, here we are, another January, which means DTV is another year old.

It's been a different kind of year around here. This past year saw me make the worst cosmetic decision of my life, cultivate a new Ms. DTV despite it, make new friends at ~~Versus~~ NBC Sports, piss off a whole bunch of Penguins fans (which isn't any different, I guess), break into quadruple digits on Twitter, witness a rare Lightning playoff run, and completely fall off the face of the planet. Oops.

I never imagined it would last this long, and the only reason it has is because of all of you. And ya know, since the Lightning are getting things back to normal this season, I'm going to get back to normal too. So, as you all wish DTV and the Investigation Team a big Happy Second Birthday, we're going to thank you by promising to get back to being DTV, both here and on Twitter.

So thanks from the bottom of our hearts, DTV-ers, we can't do it without you. Keep an eye out for more ridiculousness very soon. And if you're bored in the meantime, check out the "Best of" section and follow me on Twitter.

-DTV

Lightning New Year’s Resolutions

2011-12-30T15:15:00.001-06:00

Dropping the ball and the Lightning: Going hand in hand since '92.

Well, 2012 is rapidly approaching, and it’s just about time to make a promise to yourself. A promise that’s about as likely to be kept as the Lightning making the playoffs in any given year.

As you ponder your resolution, you might also be pondering what your favorite Lightning player’s resolution may be. Turns out you’re in luck. I sent the DTV Investigation Team out to do some snooping, and they came up with a comprehensive list or Bolts resolutions.

Vinny Lecavalier: Selflessly promises to continue to give the bored Montreal media something to talk about, such as awesome goal celebrations like last night.

Eric Brewer: Assures everyone that he will never, ever fight again. Or so we hope.

Dominic Moore: Resolves to never, ever take backhands in practice. Or at least until he gets traded back to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Dwayne Roloson: Promises to remember what exactly it is we were talking about.

Steven Stamkos: Resolves to with that fancy shampoo contract and all, make his hair look like it's actually been washed in the last 6 months.

Steve Downie: Resolves to change his name to Sidney Crosby. Ya know, so that he could actually play some hockey and not be sent to the penalty box just because every three and a half minutes.

Mattias Ohlund: Resolves to actually face the urinal whenever he has to pee, instead of having his back turned to it, causing a big mess and everyone to shake their head.

Guy Boucher: Promises to disclose ALL property, homes, cars, children, scars, etc. Who wouldn't do that?

Marty St. Louis: Resolves to burn and torture the puck that hit him in the face in a fiery ritual reminiscent of a Native American sacrificial ceremony. And by Marty St. Louis, I mean me.

Victor Hedman: Had great intentions of making a very significant resolution that would make even his biggest skeptics proud, but waited too long and at the last minute had to give his resolution to someone else, disappointing everyone.

Canadiens, Maple Leafs fans stoked to be in new conference with only five teams

2011-12-14T11:51:00.000-06:00

Yes, clearly they care more about their team than we do.

After news broke last week that the NHL Board of Governers had approved the newest and most wild plan for realignment yet, it was received with varying degrees of excitement.

Fans of teams such as the Detroit Red Wings and Columbus Blue Jackets applaud the restructured alignment as it eliminates lengthy and inconvenient trips to the west coast, and keeps the teams in their own time zones much more often.

However, many fans were disappointed in a return to a format in which the teams making the playoffs – four from each conference – are highly predictable and likely to be the same for several years in a row without much shakeup.

Not all fans, though. In fact, Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs fans have fully embraced the new alignment. The reason for such admiration being that their teams managed to strike gold in ending up the only conference to feature just five teams. Loyal Canadiens fan Harry O’Toole had this to say:

“I absolutely love it. Four of the five teams are going to make the playoffs, ya know, out of us, the Leafs, Ottawa, Buffalo and Boston. Ottawa and Toronto are usually terrible, and if they don’t build a concrete wall around the crease in Buffalo, they’ll never do anything, so I LOVE our chances in this new setup. We’ll be in the playoffs every year!”

Maple Leafs diehard, Richard Face:

“I love how the league trimmed the fat with this. Depending on scheduling, we could spend weeks at a time in Canada, just like it [censored] should be. If you ask me, ‘Conference C’ stands for ‘Conference Canada.’ “

Canadiens apologist, Amanda Blowe:

“It’s just great to be a conference with real, high quality teams that are right around the corner. And Ottawa.”

Loyal, but cynical Maple Leafs season ticket holder, Dixon Hand:

“Well, in that format, we might actually make the playoffs once in a while, so I’m down.”

The Victor Hedman Contract: An Itemized List

2011-12-07T13:14:00.001-06:00

"You mean in games we don't shoot on the same guy we do in practice?"

Well, with things not looking good for the Lightning, it’s time to get back to what we do best around here: making fun of them.

Right now, the Lightning have lost five in a row, seven of ten, and are joyriding around the bottom of the conference. We have no reliable goaltending right now, even less defense, and the secondary scoring of a shitty wingman. Things are bad.

Or as longtime Lightning fan know it: Normal.

So, what better way to attempt to match the level of humor on the ice than by taking a look at just exactly what we’re getting with my new favorite target’s new contract? In case you missed it, he signed an extension for five-years, $20 million. And according to several sources, his agent said he was willing to take as many years as the Lightning were willing to give. And when you look at this list, you’ll understand why.

- $10.00 per inch.

- $2,000,000 per goal, apparently.

- $0.50 per face palm.

- $0.25 per obscenity.

- $2,000,000 per year to Mattias Ohlund for the worst, and yet, most expensive babysitting job in the history of the universe.

- $1.00 per mind-bogglingly stupid neutral zone turnover.

- $5.00 per beautiful end-to-end rush that continues to provide false hope as the beauty comes crashing down like the Hindenburg with a shot that has a better chance of being on our own net than the opponent’s.

- $500,000 per awkwardly adorable commercial where it’s easier to understand what ThunderBug is trying to say than him.

- $4,000,000 per dry hump.

- $20,000,000 per half-assed attempt at making a strip tease for Mattias Ohlund look like a hockey fight.

And finally,

- $20,000,000 per Lightning team bowling outing.

After Loss to Detroit, Steve Yzerman Says “Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead."

2011-12-01T13:44:00.000-06:00

"I signed him for how long?"

With the Lightning having lost six of ten, sitting in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference, a season long inability to win on the road with four of the next five games away from Tampa, and the upsetting realization that we have five more years of ~~continual face palming~~ Victor Hedman turning the puck over and testing the durability of the glass high and wide of the opponent’s net, it doesn’t seem like things could get much worse for Lightning fans right now.

They might have gotten worse.

After last night’s 4-2 loss to the Detroit Red Wings – a game that was preceded by an emotional video tribute to Steve Yzerman in his first game back in Detroit – the Lightning GM has announced that he’ll “catch up with us later.” Yzerman on the decision:

“Well, ya know, I forgot how great it is here in Detroit. What with the fans, the winning, the tradition, the actual changing of the seasons. The loss really sealed it, I was talking to the team about how we’re heading home and can right the ship, and that’s when it popped in my head: ‘Eh, fuck it. You guys go ahead. I’m just going to stay here. I’ll catch up with you later.’ They seemed disappointed, but I think they’ll be all right.”

Yzerman was vague about just exactly when he might be returning to the team, but indicated it could be as soon December 17^th when the Bolts visit nearby Columbus to take on the Blue Jackets. He added: “Because hell, if we can’t beat them, I don’t know that I’ll ever be back.”

Despite his reassurances of a return, many of the other Lightning personnel were disappointed in the decision. Captain Vinny Lecavalier had this to say:

“Uh, well, uh, ya know. Uh, he really likes it there in, um, Detroit. Spent his whole uh, ya know, um career there I think. Sooo, we’ll just uh, ya know, take it, um, one, uh, game at a time. And try, um, to, ya know, uh, win him back.Or something.”

Coach Guy Boucher:

“That son of a bitch! Well, pretty soon you guys will have a new scar to ask about.”

Injured defenseman Mattias Ohlund seemed to have quite a bit to say about the move, though none of it was picked up by reporters, as he was standing with his back turned to the media, speaking straight into his locker.

Defenseman Victor Hedman:

“You mean to tell me I even turned over the GM to the other team? Fuck.”

Star winger Marty St. Louis seemed to take the decision especially hard as, though he didn’t offer a comment, he was seen holding a noose and jumping furiously at the hanger clip in his locker. Unsuccessfully.

Sidney Crosby finally returns, admits the whole thing was just a really bad hangover

2011-11-22T11:23:00.003-06:00

Despite his pleading, the glass of wine was not given a penalty.

What felt like a decade’s worth of non-update updates, medical conjecture, media brown-nosing, and brief retirement talk finally ended last night with the return of Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby who single-handedly beat the New York Islanders last night. Literally. He was the only person who played for the Penguins last night because hockey is no longer a team sport. Or at least that’s what Versus would have you believe.

At any rate, ~~all~~ eyes were on Crosby last night, and everyone hoped they would finally get some definitive information about Crosby’s recovery, and the exact nature of the symptoms that had kept him sidelined since January 5^th. In an under-publicized press conference after the game - in which the DTV Investigation Team was, of course, in attendance - the true nature of Crosby’s injury was revealed:

Sidney Crosby was not sidelined this entire time with a concussion, but with what was actually just a really bad hangover as a result of a belated New Year’s party thrown by Penguins owner Mario Lemieux.

Crosby:

“Well, ya know, we couldn’t have a New Year’s party on New Year’s Eve because of the Winter Classic, so we had it after the game. I tried to play that next game against Tampa, but I mean, I just had too much to drink at that party. I was dizzy, my stomach hurt, headache, and then we scored eight damn goals against them, really lit the Lightning up, so the bright lights and goal horns didn’t help. It was one mean hangover, but I’m finally rehydrated and out of bed, so I think I’m good to go.”

Evgeni Malkin (while drinking a Gatorade bottle full of Russian vodka):

“киска.”

Matt Cooke:

“But seriously guys, I’m a changed player. I know how to play within the rules no… who? Number 87? Who’s that? I only see the numbers on the back of the other team’s jerseys. What about him?”

Coach Dan Bylsma:

“We’ve been doing the normal things. Lots of water and juice, frequent naps, a half a dose of Tylenol when he could handle it. Same stuff that everyone does. It’s just one of those things, when you do everything as great as he does, I guess you literally do everything that big. I told Mario not to let him drink that night, but he didn’t listen.”

As the press conference waned on and on, the media began to paint a picture of an extravagant party with vivid scenes of call girls, kegs, and hard alcohol; mayhem and madness with Max Talbot doing body shots off of Crosby to Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA. Finally, as Mario Lemieux stepped up to speak at the presser, the question was finally asked: What in God’s name did Crosby have to drink that would knock him off the ice for nearly a year?

Mario had this to offer:

“I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. All he had to drink was one glass of wine.”

Flyers Team Memo Leaked

2011-11-10T11:21:00.000-06:00

The big story from last night's ~~gong show~~ game against the Philadelphia Flyers was that not only did Chris Pronger play in the game, but, having sustained a scary eye injury earlier this season, he now plays with a visor. Let me repeat that: He now plays with a visor. And in case you didn't get it: He now plays with a visor. The last thing I'll say about it: He now plays with a visor.

Beyond that, the Flyers employed a bizarre approach to handling the Lightning's vaunted 1-3-1 system in which they putzed around in their own zone commiserating about Mike Richards, exchanging casserole recipes, and listening to World War II stories from Jaromir Jagr instead of trying to enter the neutral zone. Stories that we all know could've been told much better by Dwayne Roloson.

While all of that is somewhat of an exaggeration, the Flyers did indeed toy with the puck for up to 45 seconds before the officials were forced to blow the whistle and stop play.

As it turns out, Flyers head coach Peter Laviolette had planned on this approach for weeks leading up to the game, even releasing a team-wide memo before practice this week. The DTV Investigation Team was able to sneak into Flyers Headquarters and obtain a copy of the memo. It's featured below. I've also been told this particular copy of the memo was taped to Pronger's visor at the time of the raid.

The Lightning as Monty Python and the Holy Grail

2011-10-19T15:26:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed that we’ve been in kind of a slump here at DTV. The long playoff run, combined with and expanded teaching role, combined with the conclusion of #DTVDateWatch over the past few months will do that.

And just like athletes, when I get into a slump, I get back to the basics. So, I’m going back to my roots here, and bringing you the next chapter in “The Lightning as…” Series: The Lightning as Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Those responsible for the fault in subtitles who have been sacked - OK Hockey.

King Arthur – Vinny Lecavalier.

Noble, intelligent, a great leader. Vinny is King Arthur.

Knights who say ‘Ni.’ – Dave Mishkin.

“SCCCOOOORRRRREEEEEE!!!!” = “Ni!”

Plus, the facial hair kind of matches.

The Witch – Rick Tocchet.

BURN HER!!

Throw her into the pond!!

Sir Lancelot – Guy Boucher.

Obviously the most cosmetically similar. Like Lancelot, Boucher knows his stuff, is a valiant fighter and strategist, and has a penchant for saving his fellow soldiers from almost certain peril.

With that scar, he must've saved someone from some peril.

French Taunter – Steve Downie.

Unless he’s on your side, he drives you freaking nuts. Plus, you know if there was anyone in the Lightning dressing room that would hype on farting on someone, it would be him.

Tim the Enchanter – Phil Esposito.

Much like Tim, Espo breathes fire, rarely makes sense, and yet seems to know it all.

Not pictured: The fire shooting across the room.

Sir Not Appearing in this Film – Paul Ranger.

The tenants of the Castle Anthrax – The Lightning Ice Girls.

Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking.

Sir Robin – Brett Clark.

Dude hasn’t been in a fight in years.

Sir Bedevere – Eric Brewer.

Seems like a brilliant acquisition at first, but then starts doing a bunch of dumb stuff and then you kind of start to wonder….

Nu!!

Dead Collector – Matt Gilroy.

Ya know, tries to do the right thing, but then just ends up killing our goaltender anyway.

Old Man who isn’t dead – Dwayne Roloson.

Pretty self-explanatory.

I feel happy! I feel happy!!

Sir Galahad – Steven Stamkos.

Much like Stamkos’ late playoff slump, Galahad just couldn’t bring himself to score.

There's nothing wrong with 'that.'

Swamp Castle Guards – Pavel Kubina and Victor Hedman.

An opposing forward swoops past at full speed, taking the puck with him. These two respond: “Hey…”

Chanting Monks – Lightning Fans.

No matter how much we chant and cheer, everything always ends with a facepalm.

And sometimes we facepalm at each other instead of the defense.

The Rabbit of Caerbannog – Marty St. Louis.

Indestructible, ferocious, small. Marty is that psycho rabbit they had to blow up with a grenade. And don’t act like you aren’t chuckling at the mental image of Marty jumping up and taking a bite out of Zdeno Chara’s neck. Exactly.

Black Knight – Mattias Ohlund.

Let’s be honest here; Ohlund has no fucking legs anymore, and he pretty much lets everyone past him anyway.

None shall pass.

Companies That Other Teams Would be Presented By

2011-09-12T12:10:00.000-05:00

DTV: Brought to you by some asshole.

News came out this past weekend that Amway, the controversial direct-selling corporation, would be a presenting sponsor of the Detroit Red Wings.

Immediately, there was a line drawn in the sand, and you were either a Serena Williams level of infuriated, or completely apathetic.

Personally, I don’t think it’s a terribly big deal, as long as the corporate ‘ads’ stop there. However, it got me thinking, what companies would be fitting sponsors for other NHL teams?

The Phoenix Coyotes: Brought to you by the National Hockey League.

The Winnipeg Jets: Brought to you by Great American Van Lines.

The Boston Bruins: Brought to you by Trojan.

The Florida Panthers: Brought to you by Del Boca Vista Retirement Community.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Brought to you by Hooked on Phonics.

The Pittsburgh Penguins: Brought to you by Summer’s Eve.

The New York Rangers: Brought to you by Bernie Madoff.

The Minnesota Wild: Brought to you by the San Jose Sharks.

The Vancouver Canucks: Brought to you by Disaster Recovery Services.

The New Jersey Devils: Brought to you by Free Credit Report dot com.

Harold Camping Forced to Apologize to Lightning Fans After Stamkos Re-signs, World Doesn't End

2011-07-20T17:19:00.000-05:00

Raise your hand if you don't know what you're talking about.

The Lightning re-signed Steven Stamkos yesterday to a five-year deal worth an ~~awful damn similar amount to what Stevie said it would be~~ estimated $37.5 million, sending fans into an outrage over yet another incorrect doomsday prediction from controversial Christian radio ~~dumbass~~ prognosticator Harold Camping.

Unbeknownst to many, Camping, after ~~bonering up~~ failing with his prediction for a May 21st Rapture, set his sights on a new July 1st day of Armageddon. With that date in mind, he noticed that negotiations had stalled with budding superstar Stamkos, and the team.

As Camping began to form his prediction for the apocalyptic situation, a climate of fear and devastation began a stranglehold on the Lightning fan base. Fans became desolate as rumors of their beloved Stamkos joining the Maple Leafs, or even the hated Philadelphia Flyers.

The levels of fear and despair amongst the fans reached completely unnecessarily insufferable levels despite the fact that the Flyers just spent like half the National deficit on Ilya Bryzgalov, this is Brian Burke's semi-annual-sign-only-American-born-players-year, and the largest single factor in this entire drama: the fact that Steve Yzerman is a God.

Despite failing health, and another embarrassing miscalculation on his part, Camping seemed upbeat about things, having this to offer:

"I think we can all take comfort in the fact that we now know without utmost certainty what day those of us Rapturians live for. July 1st, 2016 will be the most Rapturiest, Rapturtastic, Rap-rapturey Rapture of all Rapturing time. Mark my words."

Tampa Bay Lightning First Tweets

2011-06-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

New Lightning 3rd Logo?

The Lightning this past year have had a few players join the world of Twitter. Most notably Nate Thompson, Steven Stamkos, and Vinny Lecavalier. Which, speaking of, Vinny, you’re not following me yet, and I think we can all agree that that’s just not acceptable. Not to mention, you haven’t tweeted anything since like May.

Oh, right, this post.

Anyway, it was brought to my attention that Victor Hedman (or at least someone claiming to be him) has become the most recent Bolt to hop on Twitter. Now, if you’re a regular DTV-er, then you, like me, were probably thinking “A guy that turns the puck over that much has time for Twitter? Shouldn’t he be working on his puckhandling?” But, it did get me thinking, if all the Lightning players had Twitter accounts, what would their first tweets be? I got together with my DTV Investigation Team, and put together a list for you guys.

@Bugsy: I think I’m going to get the #FailWhale tattooed on my ankle. What do you guys think?

@SteveF-ingDownie: I tried Twitter a few years ago, and everyone blocked me. Maybe they’ve gotten over by now. #dontcountonit

@pranger:

@Roli35: Damn kids playing in my lawn making a bunch of noise. Can’t hear the TV. When the hell is Matlock on, anyway?

@BergenHulk: $$$$$$$$

@EBrew2: Well, now that I fooled em into to resigning me, back to mediocrity! #TakinHerEasy

@GuyBouch: Got a Twitter so that I can finally tell everyone about the scar. (12:34:13PM)

@GuyBouch: Hahaha, just kidding! (12:34:18PM)

@DOHLUND: Actually hasn’t tweeted anything yet, but it ‘s weird, his only follower is Victor Hedman, but he’s following every player in the NHL, except for his teammates.

@StevieYzerman: Just signed up for Twitter so I could tell everyone to CALM THE FUCK DOWN ABOUT STEVEN STAMKOS.

@MightyMouse26: Ya know, jumping from letter to letter to type these tweets is actually a pretty good workout.

Big goalie headbutt to loyal DTV-er @AbbySmink for a lot of the ideas for this. Give her a follow.

Father’s Day in the Lightning Locker Room

2011-06-20T10:50:00.001-05:00

I'll give you a hint: He plays Right Wing.

It’s well known that Father’s Day is a big deal in Major League Baseball. Players wear blue arm bands and hit home runs to donate money to Prostate research. Father/son duos in the crowd are spontaneously interviewed. The commentators boast about their favorite trip to the ball park with dad.

Despite the NHL’s hardest attempts to make the playoffs last not only until Father’s Day, but until the Fourth of July, the Cup Finals came up a few days short, leaving the NHL just shy of a great marketing opportunity. Never the less, Father’s Day is a big deal to NHL players, especially those of the Lightning. My DTV Investigation Team was sent out to the various homes of the Lightning’s players, and got the scoop on what gifts they gave their dads this year, or what presents their kids got them.

Steven Stamkos: In an odd exchange, Stamkos gets nothing for his dad, and instead, his father buys him a brand new face.

Steve Downie: Continues to get his girlfriend's dad really solid Father's Day gifts, despite that one God awful, terrible, despicable time he forgot like 13 years ago.

Guy Boucher: Didn’t say where his gift was from, but did say he would tell everyone when he felt the time was right.

Marty St. Louis: Gets frustrated when, after having bought his dad the most valuable watch on the entire planet, has to return it because the wrist band is too small.

Steve Yzerman: As usual, Yzerman manages to get his dad something better than he did last year. Dad’s response: “It’s nice, but I won’t know the true value of this gift for another three to five years, really.”

Eric Brewer: After developing a reputation of being an extremely mediocre gift-giver over the years, came out of nowhere and gave his dad a Ferrari.

Vinny Lecavalier: Selflessly gave his dad the 450 airfare vouchers to Toronto and Montreal he’s racked up over the years.

Dave Mishkin: The DTV Investigation Team showed up about twenty minutes late, and thus didn’t catch what Mishkin’s kids actually got for him, but it must’ve been really awesome, because he was still yelling about it.

Dwayne Roloson: Given that his father was a casualty of the Revolutionary War, Roloson hasn’t been on the hook for a Dad’s Day gift for many years; however, his kids did chip in and get him a new walker.

Victor Hedman and Mattias Ohlund: Continuing a long trend of gift wrapping presents to the wrong people, are just now getting around to sending out their Mother’s Day gifts.

An Update Less Vague Than a Playoff Injury

2011-06-09T11:48:00.000-05:00

This is not a picture of me.

The Stanley Cup is in full blast. If you're a long time reader of my blog, you're probably thinking "so fucking what?"

Well, for us that means that we've got the draft, free agency, and more Stevie Y Jedi Mind Tricks to look forward to. And you know what that means! Your loyal DTV Investigation Team exploiting them to their fullest extent!

However, the real reason for this update is to just inform you guys of all the current DTV social media outlets.

Many of you know that I have a Facebook page. I originally was trying to create a fan page, but, I Toccheted it up and it was created as a normal friend page. At the time I didn't think much of it, and actually enjoyed FB chatting with some of my readers. Then started a trend that hasn't waned, that I truly don't understand.

An overwhelming amount of people started friending me and sending me messages as if I were the real Vincent Lecavalier. Many of them in French. I'm serious.

Now, aside from the fact that it takes all of about 10 seconds to look at someone's info on Facebook, and my info is clearly labeled as a blog and makes no intent whatsoever to be confused for Vinny, I have some questions about this.

Why would Vinny have a Facebook?

Why wouldn't you start to wonder if it was really him when status updates, posts, and pictures were being posted DURING THE GAME?

Why the hell would he refer to himself in third person? Most normal people, if they were to do it, would make the username 'Don't Trade Me.'

I digress. And I'm sure there will still be some confusion, but the actual Fan Page is finally up. The old friend page will be slowly dismantled and eventually deleted. Like Brian Lawton. You can find it on the left hand side there, or the link is here.

And, as always, you can catch post updates, general disdain, and often times funny tweets by following me on Twitter. As you can see, I'm getting close to 1,000 ~~crazies~~ followers on Twitter, so feel free to not do anything towards that.

All this duck-in-a-rowing media wise has me feeling somewhat renewed creatively, and if Tim Thomas keeps it up, I'm bound to have a new post for you all very soon.

Thanks as always, DTV-ers,
-DTV

Bad Decision Making: A Conclusion

2011-05-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

Well, this incredible, surprising, dream of a season is over. For me, that means a little bit of time off. Unless something completely ridiculous, and ridicule worthy happens. Which is surely inevitable.

Not quite two months ago, I had the terrible idea to grow a beard for as long as the Lightning lasted. Had I known that two of our series would go seven games, and the NHL would give us 40 days and 40 nights (presumably to celebrate The Rapture) in between rounds two and three, I wouldn't have brought it up. Live and learn, I guess. Next time, I'll definitely be coming up with some other gimmick for the playoffs, because this was ridiculous. Before the pictures, a few stats on the first shave in two months:

-One full bottle of shaving cream
-Empty hot water heater
-Three different razor blades
-A bathroom that looks like I just gave my black lab a bath, which would be fine, except that I don't have a black lab.
-More time spent shaving today than it took to mow my lawn. Not kidding.

Somehow though, I endured the shave without injury, and without much irritation. Thanks a million, Gillette Fushion.

Looks worse than Stamkos' nose.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful... because I'm not.

At any rate, I want to thank a lot of people. Rubes, Versus, that dude from Sports Illustrated that emailed me, the Raw Charge gang, my boss for not firing my ass, my daughter for not thinking I'm a stranger, and all of you out there, my lovely DTV-ers. It's been a long strange trip. We'll share some more laughs at the expense of the clowns in the NHL real soon. Thanks again.

-DTV

P.S. If you want to watch the evolution of that hideousness, and I have no idea why you would, here ya go.
Week One
Week Two
Week Three
Week 5.1
Week Six
Week 7.2

Another Video: Bite Sized History

2011-05-27T16:51:00.000-05:00

The Lightning forced several things with their win on Wednesday. Game 7, fan idiocy, and Versus to send me another video. It features a personal favorite of mine, Marty St. Louis.

Be sure to watch Game 7 tonight on Versus. I wouldn't want you to miss the inevitable fan retaliation, as if we are involved in the outcome of the game what so ever.

Bad Decision Making: Week 7.2 Let's Ease the Pain with this Picture of the Abominable Snowman

2011-05-24T13:57:00.001-05:00

The Lightning once again find themselves on the brink of elimination. It's tough to watch what might be the end. Kind of like how it's getting tough for me to look in the mirror each day.

If the Lightning pull it off, can my beard get an assist too?

But if there's anything I know about this team, it's that they don't give up. To punctuate that, let's reminisce on Game Four, and hope they can rekindle some of that magic. Video courtesy of my new pals over at Versus. You've probably seen it by now.

Bring it boys, my beard isn't ready to go down the sink just yet. Be sure to watch the game on Versus, tomorrow night. Thanks again to Rubes and Versus for the sweet videos.

Breaking News: Victor Hedman Underwent Minor Procedure Between Games 4 and 5

2011-05-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

"They found this up there too."

The Tampa Bay Lightning disclosed today that Victor Hedman had a successful surgical procedure yesterday morning and is currently resting in preparation for tonight’s game.

The procedure, referred to by team officials as a Head Removal from Ass operation was finished in just over an hour, and Hedman was cleared to fly with the team to Boston. The team was mum on the cause of the operation, but did concede the point that it is a fairly common procedure with little risk and minimal lingering effects.

Teammate Mattias Ohlund had this to say:

“Oh, yeah, that. I’ve had that done several times. I referred Victor to my doctor in fact. He’s a pro. Done it for me, Victor now, Smitty, just about everyone on the team. The only time he’s ever had a failed operation was when Tocchet tried to have it done last year. Still, pretty good success rate.”

The Bruins were aware of the procedure but remained largely indifferent, with only Mark Recchi weighing in:

“Well, obviously I really wanted to help with the operation, seeing as this is dealing with the head, but I got wrapped up in ensuring the NHL that the refs made the right call; that Downie over-emphasized his face bouncing off the glass. As you can tell, everyone is always looking for a doctor. Glad to hear it went well though. Next time.”

Hedman is not expected to miss any time and was not wearing a no-contact jersey during the skate today.

Big goalie headbutt to long time DTV-er Batgirl for the idea for this post. Give her a follow.

Afraid of Antagonizing Anyone Else, Bruins Remove All Signs from Arena

2011-05-19T14:52:00.000-05:00

"They know those signs were a joke, right?"

Massive renovations are currently underway at the TD Gardens – the home arena of the Boston Bruins – after team and arena officials decided to remove absolutely all signage from the building. The decision was evidently called down after a recent uproar over the team’s popular “Bear Ads” and the subsequent decision to remove those ads. The decision to remove the Bear Ads was fueled largely by a Tampa area radio host’s campaign asking callers to call the Bruins marketing department and complain.

A team official had this to say:

“Well, first we got the calls about the Bear signs, then we got calls about the calls about the Bear signs, and then we got calls about the calls about the calls about the Bear signs, and frankly we’re just fucking sick of all it, so we’re getting rid of everything. The signs on the boards, the placard on the front of the building, the Stanley Cup banners, everything. Even the God damn bathroom signs. All of it. Of course, when some dumbass walks into the women’s bathroom, I’m sure we’ll get fucking calls about that too.”

As it stands, the team believes the arena will be ready to go for Monday’s Game Five, and the game is not currently in risk of being rescheduled.

When asked about what effect this might have on the Lightning, Coach Guy Boucher had this response:

“Well good. We should try that. Maybe then our fucking defense wouldn’t be so distracted and might actually play some defense. Maybe that’s what they were looking at last game.”

Rejected Bruins Signs

2011-05-17T13:23:00.000-05:00

The Boston area is renowned for its unique personality, and the poignant manner in which the natives interact with each other and outsiders. The sports world is no exception, and the Boston Bruins have long had some of the more aggressive and entertaining advertisements. Many of which have taken aim at a particular opponent.

The Lightning are no exception, and the Bruins have gotten their jabs in ads offering shuffle board during the intermission to Lightning fans, and another intimating that Lightning fans simply don’t exist. While the two ads are quite obviously counter intuitive, the real funny part is that the last time I checked I do still exist. That means there’s at least one of us, making the whole thing a complete failure. A failure that could’ve been avoided with a little internet research.

But it got me thinking, what other failed signage is there? So, I sent my DTV Investigation Team out on the call, and as it turns out, there are several rejected Bruins signs.

Bad Decision Making: Week Six and History Does Not Sound Very Enthused

2011-05-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

The Lightning won a game Saturday, which is notable for a lot of reasons. Mainly because even though the Lightning had won seven straight before the game, and had come into the Conference Finals with plenty of rest, they apparently had no chance of winning what so ever.

But aside from evidently breaking the laws of probability, logic, and philosophy, the game was also notable because the Lightning scored three goals in a 85 second window which, as it turns out, is pretty helpful in trying to win a hockey game. So much so, that Versus sent me another video to show you guys, my great DTV-ers.

It turns out the video is pretty notable as well, mainly because of the completely transparent, feigned excitement by Doc Emrick. I haven't heard such fake enthusiasm since I opened that sweater on Christmas morning last year. And as with the other two videos, blogger sucks and closes down my post area so that like a quarter of the video is out of the frame. Sorry about that, you can still see the important stuff though.

To hear more of Doc Emrick pretending to be happy the Lightning scored and to hear Jeremy Roenick actually give us some credit for being pretty good at playing hockey, tune in to Game Two.

Game 2: May 17th 8PM on VERSUS

For more information about the NHL Playoffs on VERSUS and NBC please check out:
http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/3032803/ns/sports-nhl/

NHL On NBC and VERSUS Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/NHLonNBCandVersus

Twitter:
http://twitter.com/NHLonNBC_VS

Also, I have another beard update for you. And continuing this post of unnotable notable things, I should point out that my mustache now has a mustache.

Pretty Ted Kaczynski-ish, eh?

Anyway, thanks again to Versus for the sweet vids, thanks to my upper lip for not leaving me for someone else's face, and thanks to all of you guys for everything.

P.S. Okay, okay, so Emrick doesn't sound like he's faking it that much.

P.P.S Yeah he does.

Tips for beating the Bruins: A Guest Post from The Active Stick

2011-05-13T11:50:00.000-05:00

Doing his best Rick Tocchet impression, evidently

Every so often, you find yourself in a situation where you realize you really don't know what the hell you're doing. Ya know, like how Rick Tocchet felt when he was promoted to head coach instead of mascot. Or how Newt Gingrich feels when he's asked to say something nice. Or when a silly, sarcastic blogger gets emailed by some of the most important hockey outlets in the world.

Ya know the feeling? Well, that's likely how the Lightning feel being in the Eastern Conference finals. Even more so, playing the team they probably did the worst against this year, the Bruins. Well, being the team player I am, I asked around for some advice from teams that actually had some success against the Bruins this year. Sadly, none of them offered it, so I went with the next best thing, and got some advice from the team that hates them the most, the Montreal Canadiens. So here you are Lightning and DTV-ers, tips for beating the Boston Bruins, care of the lovely Laura from The Active Stick.

The keys to beating the Boston Bruins, as learned from their two previous playoff series:

The Flyers asked me to tell you it is imperative that you have a goaltender in net.
Don't go to overtime unless you know how to complete line changes.
Don't make any comments about Brad Marchand's nose, despite the fact that it really is longer than every game will seem thanks to the 1-3-1.
Oh, about that. Expect Claude Julien to copy everything your coach comes up with, and for luck to be on his side, not yours.
Don't turn your back to any Boston Bruins. Ever. Not only does this help your chances of winning the series, it also helps if you're into staying alive and stuff.
The Boston Bruins power play is beyond atrocious. If you think your teammates are looking a little tired, go ahead and flip the puck over the glass and enjoy a two-minute break.
This series is going to be a huge adjustment for you compared to your last series, because the Bruins will occasionally actually try to win.
Kaberle on the ice? One less shooting lane you have to worry about.
Kaberle not on the ice? None of their remaining D can catch up to you even if you attach a bag of sand to your skates.
Don't touch Gregory Campbell.
Or any of his teammates.
Watch out for Zdeno Chara's shot. The one with his stick, too.
Expect to spend a lot of time dislodging Brad Marchand's ass from Dwayne Roloson's face.
Expect to spend a lot of time dislodging Milan Lucic's face from your nightmares.
Please tell me you're good at the faceoff thing.
Scratch that. You don't need to do any of the above if you can figure out how to get a goddamn puck past Tim Thomas.

Bad Decision Making: Week 5.1 and Boucher Scarring the Pages of SI

2011-05-10T14:08:00.002-05:00

Once again, I find myself stumbling around in the presence of legitimacy, as a rep from Sports Illustrated wanted me to alert you guys to a piece about Guy Boucher that will be featured in the issue hitting newsstands tomorrow. Here's a teaser. And by teaser, I mean the only thing I'm allowed to show you without that same dude from SI showing up on my doorstep with a baseball bat.

And also, it's been a while since I've updated you on my beard. While I'll never be able to bring myself to root against the Lightning - and believe me, when Rick Tocchet was still around, I came damn close - I'm ready for this thing to go. Of course, with the NHL being pissed off at us, what with eliminating the Penguins and Capitals and all, they've decided to schedule the first games of round three for next February. Which will actually work out pretty good since there won't be a Super Bowl going on or anything.


Roughly the same look I had when I heard Rick Tocchet was taking over.

At any rate, thanks to SI for sending the scoop on the story over, and thanks to you all you out there, DTV-ers. We're growing stronger and larger by the day. Stay tuned, back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Sort of. I'll leave it at that.

-DTV

The Pros and Cons of Playing the Boston Bruins

2011-05-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

Given the fair popularity and overall success of the first version, I’ve decided to do this piece again for our Conference Finals matchup against the Boston Bruins. Enjoy.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

You might not have heard about it, but there was actually a team that played against the Capitals last round. That was us. We beat them. In four games.

Our next test? The tough Boston Bruins. Despite the Bruins owning us throughout the regular season, this isn’t a terribly unfavorable matchup for the Lightning. I’ve gone ahead and hashed out a list of the Pros and Cons of facing the Bruins in round three.

Pro: The Bruins also swept their second round matchup, and the league has generously given both teams 47 days to rest.

Con: Several key players in the series will be either retired or dead by the time it finally starts.

Con: Boston seems to have finally lived down their 3-0 collapse to the Flyers last year.

Pro: They did so by sweeping the Flyers who thought it might be a good idea to hire the Beach Boys. Not to sing the National Anthem. To take turns playing in net.

Con: The Bruins have far more personnel in their organization from Canada.

Pro: The Lightning have far more personnel in their organization named Steve.

Pro: Speaking of, Steven Stamkos has finally learned his lesson about taking untimely boarding calls.

Con: No one seems to know what the hell the rules for boarding are anyway.

Pro: Marty St. Louis will finally have someone around to get things off the top shelf of his locker for him.

Con: Zdeno Chara isn’t allowed in our locker room.

Con: Boston has chiseled veterans who know how to win championships such as Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Shaq.

Pro: Wait a minute…

Pro: The Bruins have a goaltender born in the crustaceous period just like us.

Con: He’s about eight feet wider than our goalie.

Con: The further along the Lightning get in the playoffs, the more likely their general inexperience may come into play.

Pro: Tomas Kaberle spent most of his career in Toronto, so it’s not like he knows what the hell he’s doing right now either.

Pro: The Bruins have Gregory Campbell on their team, ensuring interest in the series by the NHL front offices and the series will serve as a nice answer to their usual question of “Tampa Bay who?”

Con: Guy Boucher may get frustrated constantly answering why penalty killers Nate Thompson and Adam Hall are suddenly averaging 35 minutes a game.

Pro: Tim Thomas has been known to have a temper, doing crazy things like slamming his stick, pushing the net over, and throwing waterbottles, all of which are guaranteed to make you giggle.

Con: Zdeno Chara has been known to have a temper, doing crazy things like taking 108mph slapshots, pushing buildings over, and throwing opposing forwards into stanchions, all of which are guaranteed not to make you giggle.

Pro: The Bruins may have the only defense in the league capable of turning the puck over as much as Tampa Bay’s does.

Con: The Lightning may have the only defense in the league capable of turning the puck over as much as Boston’s does.

Pro: Fans with hearing impairments may have develop a new interest in the sport now that Andrew Ference has established himself as an absolute master of sign language.

Con: They may be immediately turned off when they see what he has to say.

Pro: The Bruins have a certified neurologist with the team at all times, and have him available to diagnose any and all head injuries that occur during the game.

Con: I work with some of the best neurologists on the planet and none of them have ever heard of a “Dr. Recchi.”

Possible Reasons the Lightning are Up 3-0

2011-05-04T11:44:00.000-05:00

Doesn't hurt.

To the surprise of pretty much everyone, the Lightning have a commanding 3-0 series lead with a chance to sweep the Washington Capitals right out of the playoffs tonight.

While there have been times where the Caps have outright controlled play, it’s been a hard fought series, and the Bolts have shown great resiliency. I’ve gone back and dissected the series up to this point, and came up with a list of possible reasons the Lightning control the series.

- The Lightning caught wind of my playoff beard, and decided it would be funny to try and get me in trouble with my employer.

- The Capitals are content with their progress, having made it past the first round, and consider it a successful year and are really just ready to go back to Russia and relax for the summer.

- Both teams got together before the series started and all agreed it would be pretty damn funny to watch Canada get all pissed off if the Lightning made it to the Conference Finals again.

- The Capitals, in an unfortunate moment of forgetfulness, did not recall that John Tortorella used to coach for the Lightning, which is relevant since he’s the only coach they can seem to beat in the playoffs.

- Hey, not everyone can have a 41-year old 31-year old in net. I don't know how that works either, but it's got to be an advantage.

- Vinny Lecavalier has stepped up and taken over, playing a solid two-way game comparable to Steve Yzerman, and at times scoring at will, like the Vinny of old. (I told you so, dicks.)

- The Lightning have an unfair advantage, what with Marty St. Louis skating in between everybody’s legs and all.

- Which speaking of, guys tend to be a whole lot better at hockey when they don’t have to continually pick pieces of graphite out of their gums.

- Mattias Ohlund and Victor Hedman have finally sorta figured out that assists only count on the score sheet when they are to the guys in the same jerseys as them.

- Steve Downie and Steven Stamkos are actually pretty good at hockey when they’re not busy doing that annoying ‘diving every two seconds’ thing.

- Bruce Boudreau is reluctant to make any defensive adjustments to counter the Lightning’s 1-3-1 system because it just reminds him too much of his usual order at Burger King.

- I mean, let’s be honest here, goals that are called good on the ice, reviewed for several minutes, and determined legal just shouldn’t count.

What a day

2011-05-02T16:14:00.000-05:00

Was a part of conference calls with Vinny and Coach thanks to my pals at Raw Charge. And Versus sent me another video for you guys to check out.

Almost made me teary, not gonna lie.

I'll have a beard update tomorrow. You guys rock.

What a day.

Guess I'm Legit Now: Dwayne Roloson History Looks Like An Old Fart

2011-04-29T09:25:00.001-05:00

So, keeping up with the recent trends of having DTV pop up in places usually associated with people who actually know what they're doing, yesterday I got an email from Versus asking me to post this video for my wonderful DTV-ers out there.

Two things strike me about this:

A.) How the hell did Versus find my dumb ass?
B.) They're not mad we knocked the Posterboys out?

And yes, I went ahead with my normal content ahead of Versus because I love you guys that much. That, or I got the email after I already posted my Pros and Cons piece. I'll let you decide which.

They also wanted me to tell you about a sweet contest where you can possibly go to one of the games in the Stanley Cup Finals. But you have to get in on that by tomorrow, so you should probably try and get there quicker than Mattias Ohlund would. Just sayin'.

Grand Prize includes:
2 Tickets to a Stanley Cup Final Game
Round-trip Airfare
Ground Transportation
Hotel Accommodations
$250 Gift Card

http://www.facebook.com/NHLonNBCandVersus?sk=app_215009725176853

A huge thanks to Rubes at Versus, Versus, and whoever in their marketing department decided it would be a good idea to contact me. We should get together sometime. Call me.

The Pros and Cons of Playing the Washington Capitals

2011-04-28T15:56:00.000-05:00

"I need three hot dogs!"

Wow. What a series. The Lightning won Game 7 last night, ridding ourselves of those OH so loveable Penguins, maintaining a perfect franchise record in Game 7’s, and raising my blood pressure to extremely unhealthy levels in the process. Thanks a lot, Nate Thompson.

Now what? Well, for those of us on this side of things, we’re forced to buy an umbrella and some ear plugs to fend off all the Penguins fans sobbing and moaning that it would’ve been different with Wonder Boy and the Russian.

Beyond that? We’ve got more ~~golf~~ hockey to play! Sorry, habit for this time of year.

And wouldn’t you know it, we’ve got our best buds the Capitals this round. This growing rivalry gained some traction during the regular season, highlighted by Versus showing the Lightning for the first time ever and Bruce Boudreau spitting out, amongst the crumbs, that Stamkos and Downie dive every 20 seconds.

With all this in mind, I’ve put together a list of the Pros and Cons of meeting the Capitals in the second round.

Pro: You’ll learn everything you could possibly want to know about Alex Ovechkin.

Con: You already knew everything you wanted to know about Alex Ovechkin from every other Versus broadcast the last five years.

Pro: Washington doesn’t have an experienced veteran goalie currently playing some of the best hockey of his career.

Con: They do have like 14 other young dudes who can play goalie at any time.

Pro: Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau is likely to add fuel to the fire with lively, pointed commentary aimed at the Lightning.

Con: Unless you subscribe to the Playboy Channel, you won’t be able to hear a single word of it.

Pro: Alex Ovechkin has had a down year compared to his normal pace, outright slumping at times.

Con: Steven Stamkos has had a down playoffs compared to his normal pace, outright not existing at times.

Con: While I never like to see someone hurt - especially with a head injury – talented defenseman Mike Green will play after his recent re-injury scare blocking a shot with his head.

Pro: That’s the first shot the Capitals have blocked in about five years.

Con: The Caps have an All-Star capable of end to end rushes and scoring from anywhere every time he’s on the ice.

Pro: He’s supposed to be a defenseman.

Pro: The possible line combination of “The Green Wideman Laich Ovechkin Semin” is guaranteed to make you giggle.

Con: The possible line combination of “The Green Wideman Laich Ovechkin Semin” making Mattias Ohlund look like a big dumb oaf is guaranteed not to make you giggle.

Pro: The Capitals have a fan base constructed of extremely knowledgeable fans who boast about their loyalty dating all the way back to 2007.

Con: The Lightning have a fan base constructed of extremely knowledgeable fans who boast about their loyalty dating all the way back to March 7.

Con: The Capitals have qualified for the postseason the past four seasons in a row, largely with their current core of players.

Pro: They’ve got about as much experience playing in the second round as we do.

Bad Decision Making: Week Three

2011-04-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, we're through the third week of this nonsense. And, it's become apparent that my beard knows the reason for it's existence and has fully adopted the traits only appropriate of a Lightning beard: Looks great one day, and shitty the next.


The next 'Hungry Man' spokesman.

You can thank me later for Stamkos showing up finally. Somehow he got tangled up in that area where my beard has now joined forces with my chest hair. Sorry about that.

BREAKING: Stamkos Announced as a Missing Person

2011-04-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

Bad Decision Making: Week Two and DTV Shorts: Ohlund Goal Leads to Blizzard in Hell

2011-04-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well, we just finished the second week of beardage. I still think it was a terrible idea, and I hate you all for holding me to my word. Not really.

Anyway, it's really started to get itchy and annoying. Ya know, like how you feel when you watch Max Talbot. Itchy, and annoyed. Here's week one for comparison.

Beard steroids needed. I think Mark McGwire is in town.

And also. Mattias Ohlund score a goal Friday.

Thanks to 1funny.com for the picture.

Annoyed With Suspension, Matt Cooke to Bring Sniper Rifle to Game Two

2011-04-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

"The 'A' stands for 'assassin.' "

Pittsburgh Penguins dirty man and all-around despicable left winger Matt Cooke is growing tired of his suspension, and he plans on letting everyone know about it tonight during game two tonight.

Always looking for two things – to make a difference in every game the Penguins play and new ways to strike unsuspecting players when they aren’t looking – Cooke has found a way to do both during his current NHL ban: to bring a sniper rifle to the game and just start plucking the Lightning players one by one from the stands.

Cooke says he plans to wait until the second period to initiate the shooting, citing the fact that by then, he should have a pretty good idea of which Lightning players are really making a difference in the game. Cooke had this to offer when asked of the plan:

“Well, ya know, it’ll probably be when the Lightning are in the opposite end of the ice. Ya know, with their backs turned. That’s usually when I like to go, when they can’t see me.”

Lightning marathon man and ~~little~~ tough guy Marty St. Louis seemed un-phased by the news:

“I took three bullets to the chest one game in college. One of em even hit my heart. Didn’t miss a shift. I’m not worried.”

After Controversial Officiating, NHL Admits Crosby was Assigned as Booth Official

2011-04-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

"Excute Order 66."

The playoffs are only a day old, and already the NHL has a controversy on its hands that could potentially derail the entire post season.

As was noticed and mentioned by several fans and media types on Twitter last night, Sidney Crosby was at last night’s game wearing a headset and microphone. The early speculation was the Crosby would be making suggestions and observations on the game to the coaching staff of the Penguins at ice level.

However, after an onslaught of questionable penalty calls against the Lightning and several non-calls for the Penguins, including a blatant high-stick on Martin St. Louis that required double root canal to fix, speculation arose that Crosby may have been on a different assignment for the game.

A League official speaking on the condition of anonymity (Look, it was Bettman) admitted this morning to the DTV Investigation Team that Crosby was indeed assigned to the game by the League to act as Chief of Officiating, Head Goal Judge, and Video Review Officer. The official also acquiesced that the league would likely extend the assignment for the duration of Crosby’s injury.

“I can’t say a whole lot about this, but we need him involved in these games. Whatever it takes to make that happen we’ll do. He makes the world go ‘round!”

The official then left the interview rapidly, apparently singing the chorus to “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.”

At the time of this publication, the Lightning management was deciding whether to protest the series. No word on how this will affect the other teams involved in the NHL playoffs.

Out of Habit Lecavalier Schedules Golf Outing, is Late to First Playoff Game

2011-04-13T15:34:00.001-05:00

The first games haven’t even started yet, and we’ve already got our first drama of the 2011 NHL Playoffs.

Lightning Captain Vinny Lecavalier was late to tonight’s series opening game against the Penguins. The reason? Golf. That’s right, the 30 year-old center was roughly 25 minutes late for the team’s scheduled arrival time at the CONSOL Energy Center, and showed up wearing Dockers, a red nike polo, golf spikes, and a Titliest hat. When asked about the goof, Lecavalier had this to say:

“Look, cut me some slack. I’ve played for the Lightning my entire career. I schedule these things years in advance. First day of the playoffs, nothing going on, I golf, that’s just the way it’s always been. Some habits are hard to break.”

Lightning head coach Guy Boucher was not reserved in his comments about the tardiness:

“Ya know, shit like that probably would’ve flown under (former ~~dumbass~~ coach Rick) Tocchet, but not on my watch. He’ll probably sit for the first period. At least.”

Lecavalier, often a target of angst of the Tampa Bay fan base, may have added fuel to the fire with the gaff. Moreover, the incident may have been the final nail in the coffin for the long-standing trade rumors. Lightning GM Steve Yzerman:

“Well, he’s really an irreplaceable kind of guy and he had a second half as good as any in the NHL, but this may be the final straw that forces us to deal him. It’s certainly something we’ll have to look in to this summer.”

However, not all the feedback on the late arrival was negative. Lecavalier again:

“Well, I did shoot a 68; so actually, I feel pretty damn good going into the game tonight. All in all, it’s not that bad of a thing, ya know?”

And Pittsburgh Penguins head coach Dan Bylsma:

(Wiping away several tears) “Good! It’s freaking karma if you ask me! Sid (Penguins captain Sidney Crosby) is for sure not playing today. Sniffle. He (Lecavalier) should sit! It’s a joke that it might only be for one period, but I’m glad to see it. Sniffle sniffle. I can’t believe the NHL is going to let us endure this without him (Crosby).”

Bad Decision Making: Week One

2011-04-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

We've all been there. You instantly regret something the minute it leaves your mouth. Ya know, like when you try and pick up a chick and then realize she has a laugh that sounds like Woody the Woodpecker after a Red Bull. Or how Paul Holmgren surely felt after trading for Andrej Meszaros. Moments that make you question your sanity.

Well, I haven't worn facial hair since high school, and typically it grows slow enough that I only shave every other day, sometimes every third day. So, what does any logical person under those circumstances do? Allows himself to get caught up in the hype of his team making the playoffs for the first time in like 85 (four) years, and asks his Twitter friends if he should grow a playoff beard. Good call, dumbass.

At any rate, I'm a man of my word. And it's been a week now which means my beard is already four times fuller than Sidney Crosby's Stanley Cup 'stache from whenever it was they won, and still a full lifetime away from being as thick as Scott Hartnell's five o'clock shadow.


"So easy a blogger can do it"

As you can tell, it's starting to come in. Still a long way to go before I lose any small creatures in it though.

Speaking of small creatures, there's somebody I'd like you all to meet. I know many of you wanted to see pictures of him like a month and a half ago when I got him, but, to be honest I wanted to wait at least a few weeks to make sure I didn't kill the damn thing. Had that happened I would've pretended he never existed and acted like you all are crazy. Without further ado, I introduce you to Newt Thompson.

He's about two and half inches long, and has a 68.5% faceoff percentage. Damn skippy.

It's playoff time, and we're playing my most favorite team ever in the first round. I'll have plenty of new stuff the next couple weeks, promise.

DTV Shorts: Scott Clemmensen to Enter NHL Substance Abuse Program with Drinking Problem

2011-03-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

DTV Shorts will be a once in a while feature here at DTV, where the post will be just a headline and a picture. Enjoy.

HUGE goalie headbutt to Derek at Copper and Blue for sending this screen cap to Raw Charge. All credit for the photo goes to him.

After Lightning Win, Fans Struggling to Continue Negativity

2011-03-27T15:06:00.000-05:00

"They fucking won?"

The Lightning recorded a decisive victory last night, deflating the Hurricanes' playoff hopes, and putting together a full 60 minutes of hockey for the first time in ~~years~~ weeks. The win provides a springboard into the playoffs for the team, and allowed for some much needed relief in the locker room.

Not everyone is happy about it, though. Tampa Bay Lightning fans, long known for their incredible fair-weatherness, are not happy about the win, as they are finding it difficult to continue their weeks-long stream of negativity and outrage.

The DTV Investigation Team was sent out into the field, and came back with these fan testimonials.

Thomas McDouchie:

"This is ridiculous. I had this longwinded, profanity-laced rant all typed up and ready to post on the internet about how Steve Yzerman is a complete bust as a GM, and then they play like that. WTF mate?"

Sharon Peniston:

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I had already given up and started paying attention to the Rays. Then they win. Back and forth with these guys."

Richard Large:

"I mean, not only did they win, but Mike Smith played well too. What were they thinking?"

Joey Suckerson:

"I don't know what to get mad about now. I had such a good thing going, ya know, seeing the box score the next day in the paper and making sarcastic comments about the Lightning to my boss. I guess I could get pissed off about the new logo again. That usually works for a couple weeks."

Janet Dumass:

"I'm not too worried about it. There's always the fail safe: Vinny's contract."

Upon completion of the interviews, most fans admitted they had no real plan for what to do if the Lightning achieve any success in the playoffs.

2010-2011 Lightning Season Review

2011-03-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

As was widely mentioned by fans on Twitter last night, the Lightning's season has ended.

It was somewhat of a wild season with a brand new coach, a brand new GM, a mostly brand new roster, a nice stretch of time in first place in the Southeast, and then a slump that watched the team spiral out of first place, out of the playoffs, and then out of the NHL altogether. Being accentuated by a devastating, humiliating, soul-crushing overtime loss to a hot team who the Lightning never beat. Ever. To add insult to injury, the winning goalie in the game was 18-time Vezina Trophy winner Curtis McElhinney, who the Lightning had lost on waivers earlier in the year.

With another season in the books, the Lightning players firming up their tee-times, and fans left to watch the teams still left in the Stanley Cup playoffs, we'll take a look at some of the highlights from the year.

Sep. 06, 2010: Dan Ellis embarrasses himself, the Lightning, and pretty much the entire universe by going on Twitter and complaining about money as a millionaire. Hockey fans everywhere are completely baffled asking: He plays for who?

Oct. 14th, 2010: The Lightning beat the Flyers to start the season 5-0-0. Attendance at Lightning home games, and visitation to Lightning blogs doubles.

Oct. 16th, 2010: The Lightning lose 6-0 to the Panthers, recording their first loss of the year. Attendance at Lightning home games, and visitation to Lightning blogs dwindles down to nothing.

Dec. 2nd, 2010: The Lightning get completely obliterated by the Bruins, 8-1. Goalie Mike Smith says after the game that the goalies have to "hold the fort" and immediately drops the pen he was holding.

Jan. 1st, 2011: The Lightning trade for goalie Dwayne Roloson. Defenseman Mattias Ohlund becomes overwhelmed with relief as now there is someone who might possibly stop the opposing player who he gift wraps the puck to.

Jan. 5th, 2011: Victor Hedman dry humps Sidney Crosby, and in the days following is accused of giving Crosby a concussion.

Feb. 24th, 2011: The Lightning trade Dan Ellis. Lightning fans are ecstatic. Lightning satire bloggers are pissed as the last 'easy' target (other than Ohlund) has just left town.

Mar. 17th, 2011: Lightning center Vincent Lecavalier swats a housefly off of PK Subban, and is kicked out of the game. For the first time since 1992, Canadian hockey fans are pissed at the Lightning, and not simply because they exist.

There's the 2010-2011 season in a nutshell. Lightning fans everywhere sit and wait, and once again hope that next year is our year. The DTV Investigation team was able to conjure up one final player interview, and that was with Lightning heart-and-soul Martin St. Louis. St. Louis had this to offer:

"It's funny how quickly the worst year in franchise history can develop. Seems like just yesterday that, ya know, we were sitting firmly in the middle of the playoff pack, had a couple days to rest, and then a nice, long, 10-game tune-up heading into the playoffs. Maybe next year."

Lightning Become First Sports Team in the History of the Universe to do Something They Complained About

2011-03-10T10:20:00.000-06:00

"I get my own History Will be Made commercial now, right?"

They’re celebrating history today in Tampa, after the Lightning became the first sports team ever in the history of the universe to imitate an action they had previously complained about. The hero of the day being Right Winger Marty St. Louis, who scored the game winning goal. This previously never before seen act of similarity caused various emotions from fans around the league, mostly outrage.

The breaking of history occurred when the 35 year old, 12-year NHL Veteran St. Louis swooped in during the shootout and pulled off the same move – to the exact inch – that 23 year old, first year NHL rookie (that of 20-something games at the time) Linus Omark performed in his first career NHL shootout attempt back in December.

The absolute exactness of the similarity of the situations can be seen below:

Some experts on Twitter have called the moves “identical” and “exactly the same.” When asked about the move, St. Louis had this to offer:

“Well, ya know, I’ve done pretty much everything else in hockey, ya know, won a Cup, the Hart, Lady Byng, broken 100 points in a season. So, I figured ‘what the hell’, no one else in sports has ever copied another team, ever. So I decided I’d try it. I’m just happy it worked out, and we got a win.”

St. Louis’ teammates were equally as jovial. Star Steven Stamkos had this to say:

“Ya know, I’ve been around the league for a few years now, and kind of established myself, so I thought I’d try a similar move and flirt with history, but then Marty did it EXACTLY like Omark. I mean, exactly the freaking same. They are so identical, the videos are even called the same on YouTube! That’s why he’s the best. It’s an unreal feeling to be a part of history tonight. YES!”

Lightning Coach Guy Boucher, while smiling, seemed unwilling to get wrapped up in the celebration:

“Look, I’m damn pleased to get two points tonight, but let’s be honest, complaining or even talking about the shootout is like bitching about having too much money, I mean really, who does that??”

Around the league, it appears the Lightning are set to be trendsetters. Other NHL teams will now begin trying to replicate feats accomplished against them, in which they had some sort of beef or complaint. The DTV Investigation team spoke with representatives of various teams, and here are some of the acts of imitation we can expect around the league:

The Pittsburgh Penguins have decided to attempt goal and victory celebrations they have witnessed.

The Boston Bruins will apparently start trying to decapitate players of other teams.

The Philadelphia Flyers will now start trying to attract fans that are respectful of other teams’ players and fans.

The Atlanta Thrashers will now start trying to attract fans.

The Washington Capitals have a plan to have at least one player dive once in a while.

And lastly, the Ottawa Senators will try and be worth a damn at hockey.

New NHL Products: Mattias Ohlund Turnovers

2011-03-09T10:22:00.001-06:00

The original idea was for this feature to run every week or every other week. It ran once. So, New NHL Products will now be a feature that runs evidently once every few months. The first installment, Sidney Crosby Wine can be found here.

The newest product from the NHL has just been introduced! It turns out that Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Mattias Ohlund has come out with an exciting new line of Turnovers. Features of the new dessert line include:

"For me, there's never a bad time for a turnover."

- While most turnovers are usually baked or fried, Mattias Ohlund Turnovers are always torched. SLOW cooked for the ultimate taste!

- Taste so distinctive, it makes the rest of your meal look better!

- Specially designed recipe leaves you thinking about Mattias Ohlund turnovers for hours!

- So tender, Mattias Ohlund Turnovers have been known to just fall apart!

- May cost a little more, but are packaged by the thousands. One package will give you turnovers for the next seven years!

- Packaged for long term storage! Our packaging is so durable it can handle temperatures up to -16!

- Are great for on the go. Whether you’re at home or on the road, you can always enjoy a Mattias Ohlund Turnover!

*Note: Mattias Ohlund Turnovers are loaded with calories and can bind down even the most open arteries. Mattias Ohlund Turnovers should not be eaten if you have set out to reach any nutritional goals.

*Icings sold separately.